Punch (100.1891)

January 3, 1891.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

9

"DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE."

"In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I
propose to make a few additions to my usual
forensic costume." — Extract from a Letter of
Mr. Welnown Keivsee, Q.C., to a young Friend.

AT THE END OE THE YEAE.

TO A FftlEND,

Do you remember how we sat,
We two, in this same room together

Last year, and talked of this and that,
And warmed our toes and cursed the
weather ?

And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud
(We both smoked briars, I remember),

And sipped our whiskey hot, and yowed
To do or die ere next December ?

We spoke without respect of Ben-,
Ben who was ploughed, or very nearly;

Now Ben bamboozles jurymen,
And makes his thousand guineas yearly.

We both despised the wretched Joe,
My fag at school, your butt at College.

Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow,
Choked with absurdly useful knowledge.

Yet Joe assists to give us laws,

Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form,
'Midst empty thunders of applause,

Erect on many a Tory platform.

And poor, inconsequential Jack,
His mind a maze, like Mr. Toots's,

Has married money, keeps a hack,
And has a big account at Cotjtts's.

Toil owns a house in Belgrave Square,
And Dick is noted for his dinners—

Life is a race, but was it fair, [winners ?
We asked, that these should be the

We, too, would win ; and Heaven knows

What vows we uttered fiery-hearted,
While '89 drew to its close,

And '90 found us—so we parted.

* * * *

And here, good lack, while '90 wanes,

Our candles flaring in their sockets,
We sit once more and count our gains—

Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets.

Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends;

Men prate of wealth in empty words, I
Sit here content as '90 ends.

And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye.

P

OUR ADVERTISERS.

Seasonable.

ICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating
and explosive Stimulant.

P

ICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal
Restorer.

PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleep-
ing baby instantly Hying out of the
cradle.

PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the in-
valid Grandfather suddenly mount to
the fifth_storey by leaps and bounds.

piCK^ME-UP "PEPPER induceTTmme-
JL diate influenza.

PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache
into delirium.

P

ICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows
up the brain tissues.

P
P

ICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole
household on the sneeze.

ICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever
in the Infant School.

I

JICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the
Hippopotamus.

P

ICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief
Justice off the Bench.

ICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Soli-
citor.

P_

PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the
dentist.

piCK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Arch-
JL bishop dancing a break-down.

piCK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philo-
JL sopher into a Lunatic Asylum.

JpiCK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the ris-

ing Politician.

JJ1CK-ME-UP ^PEPPER causes the resig-

nation of the Prime Minister.

T)ICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a iour-
JT wheeler cab-horse win the Derby.

piCK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-
L anchor for Practical Jokers.

jpiCK-ME-UF^PEPPER may be safely

relied on by Master Tomiiy.

piCK-ME-UP PEPPER, put m the
JL baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery.

piCK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into
JL the Soup at a dinner-party, will lead
to a serious riot in the dining-room.

PICK^ETDTTEPPER, admini8tered~in
a sandwich, will choke an Uncle.

PiOK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general
disorganiser of every Household.

piCK-ME-UP PEPPER.—A Pinch will
JL thoroughly banish sleep for a whole
fortnight. _

PnrCK-ME-UP^EPPER. — "An Octo^
genarian consumer " writes :—" I was
in a comatose condition for twenty years,
when I came across your Pepper. I had
scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my
arm-chair, and have danced a continual fan-
dango ever since. I carry it loose in all my
pockets, and scatter it on all my friends
whenever I meet them. This has got me
kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I
do not in the least mind. I'm as merry and
as mad as a March hare—and your Pepper
has done it."

PICK-ME-UP PEPPER. —The Proprie-
tors beg to inform their Friends and
Patrons that they can supply this highly
combustible and explosive compound in
felt safety cases, carefully packed at their
bomb-proof establishment in Barking Marshes,
at the usual retail prices, viz., Is. l%d.,
2s. 9d., lis., 21s., and 31s. 0>d., &c, &c.

SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY.

Dear Me. Punch,—I venture to address
you on a subject that I feel sure will enlist
your kind attention and sympathy. How am
I to get through Yule Tide ? Ought I to give
up the dispatch of " cards," or ought I to send
them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaint-
ances ? If I drop the custom, people who
like me will think I am cutting them, and
persons with whom I am less popular will

Tossing up for Turkey at Chris'.mas Time.

imagine that economy, not to say meanness,
is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the Post
Office. Suppose that I " hang the expense,"
and do send the cards. Well, I am in this
position; it is a matter of the greatest diffi-
culty to get a suitable greeting to all those
who receive my annual benediction. If I
have " Wishing you and yours every happi-
ness," with my appended name and address
lithographed, the greeting seems cold, and
even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a
favourite Maiden Aunt; and unduly familiar
if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for
the first time in my life the day before
yesterday. Then if I trust to the ordinary
Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at
a loss to select an appropriate recipient for a
nestful of owls, or the picture of a Clown
touching up an elderly gentleman of highly
respectable appearance with a red-hot poker!
If I get a representation of flowers, the chances
are ten to one that the accompanying lines
are of a compromising character. It is
obviously cruel to send to a recently-widowed
Uncle some verses about " Darby and Joan,"
and my Mother-in-law is not likely to feel
complimented if I forward to her a poetically
expressed suggestion that there is no plea-
santer place than her own home—away, of
course, Irom her Son-in-law 1 And yet these
are the problems that meet the would-be Yule
Tide card distributer at every turn ! I remain,
my dear Mr. Punch, yours sincerely,

One who Wishes to avoid a Row.
P.S.—If this arrives late, thank the cards
that have overtaxed the postal arrangements.

Trie United Service Diary for 1891.

January to
Ma rch. — Soldiers
on leave. Sailors
at sea. Civil Ser-
vants reading the
morning paper.

April to June.—
Soldiers at play.
Sailors in harbour.
Civil Servants
reading the morn-
ing paper.

July to Septem-
ber. — Soldiers at
sea (autumn man-
oeuvres). Sailors
Extremes Meet. at play {ditto).

Civil Servants away [ditto).

October to December.—Soldiers on leave.
Sailors at sea. Civil Servants reading the
morning paper.