Punch (100.1891)

12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI._[January 3, 1891.

fast, a railway indignation meeting- or a debate in the
Honse of Lords, it is sure to go with howls not to say-
shrieks. Penn died on the 30 th, and in founding
Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This an-
nouncement is the nearest approach to levity that in
common decency can be tolerated In a mourning coach.

August.—On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770,280
British slaves were freed. You might ask satirically,
how many slaves (be they husbands or be they wives)
now exist? You might offer this to a clergyman to
be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of the
Battle of Creasy. Opportunity for saying (at the break
ing-up of an infant school) that on account of the
extremely warm reception to which the French were
welcomed on that occasion, the victory might be appro-
priately called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy."
This will be found pleasing by a Colonial Briton home
on furlough, and an Honorary Royal Academician living
in retirement.

September.—On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges com-
mences. Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing
off guns without loading, killing dead birds, &c , &c.
On the 3rd, the present Lord Chancellor born in 1825—the
name of Gtfeard entombed in Hals-6wry. A little
obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply
repay time and attention. On the 9 th Thomas Watts
(who may be amusingly called " Watts-his-name"), died
in 1869. Not much in this, but miy possibly fill up an
awkward pause during the reading of a will, or the
arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's
initial hospitality at five o'clock tea.

October.—Fielding, the novelist, bowled out on the
8th in 1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th—an awful
example to habitual drunkards. Pheasant-shooting
commences. Bight time to tell that story about the
Cockney who, dropping his " h's," shot peasants instead!
This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians
who have spent the better part of their lives in the Bush.

November.—Good
joke still to be made
in the quieter sub-
urbs about having
special appoint-
ments for the 5th,
when one has to take
the chair at a meet-
ing which perambu-
lates the streets.
Lord Mayor's Day
on the 9th—oppor-
tunity for letting
off " the Mavor the
merrier," "£10,000
a Mayor's Nest -
egg," &c, &o. Jests
about the fog not
now popular — the
infliction is too
serious for j ocu-
larity !

December.—Holi-
day time for every-
one, inclusive of
that most melan-
choly of persons '' the
funny man." Bob
Lowe (born in 1811)

reaches the age of ALWAYS ENTERTAINING;

eightv, and the „ „ /n N n 1TX. n,

Grand Old Man °R> Vbry much taken cum (Cornby) Grain O!
(born in 1809) eighty-two ! With this ingenious quibble the Amusing
Rattle can wish himself a Merry Christmas, and the remainder of the
world a Happy New Year_

Appropriate.—Sir,—Was there ever a more appropriate Christ-
mas legal case than appeared in the Times Law Report, December
20th, and which was entitled " The Mayor. $c. of Bootle-cum-
Linacre \. The Justices of Lancashire ?" What delightful names
for a comic chorus to a Bab Ballad in a Pantomime.

Solo. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor
Chorus. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee ;
Solo. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare,
Chorus. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee.

Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still be
serviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing."

THE AMUSING BATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891.

January.—-If dining out on the 1st, remember that the Queen"
was created Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although
the Opposition tried to hinder her from assuming the title. Work
this out. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't
be given away if only lent. This entertaining quibble (suitable to
five o'clock teas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note
the colours of the Universities, and bring in somehow " a fit of the
blues." On the 13th Pitt died, on the 14th Fox was born. First
date suggestive of Pitt, the second of pity. Good joke for the
Midlands. Put it down to Sheridan.

February. — On the 3rd Lord Salisbury born on St. Blaise's
festival. Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire.
This said with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radical
luncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentary
missive, say it is less suggestive of Valentine than Orson. This
capital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where they
laugh until the end of the month.

March.—Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801.
If you take care to pronounce the victory A-book-er, you may pos-
sibly get a jest out of it in connection with a welshing: transaction on
the turf, when you can call it " the defeat of A-book-er." Good at
a hunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can
observe " 1801 ?—the year of my birth! "

April.—Remember Bismarck was born on the 1st, so it can't be
" All Fools' Day." Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who
reads the Times,

May.—You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughty
date." If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise and
explain that you meant a " Connaughty date, for it is Prince Arthur's
Birthday." The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint
conceit a right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, Grisi the
celebrated songstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles
from London, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhaps
venture something about the notes of this far-famed artist being
like "lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not
expect any one to laugh.

June.—The name of this month may assist you to a joke here and
there in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen's
Counsel. This will be the more valuable, as the " remarkable days "
are few and far between, according to Whitaker.

July.—Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it
is also the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce
the victory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause
merriment amongst persons who have spent the best years of their
lives on desert islands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On
the 24th the Window Tax was abolished, of which you may say that
although a priceless boon it was only a light relief. If you can only
introduce this really clever bon mot into a speech at a wedding break-

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