Punch (100.1891)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 17, 1891,

MR. PUNCH'S PRIZE NOVELS.

No. XL—THE BOOK OF KOOKARIE.

By Reader Faghard, Author of 11 Queen Bathsheba's Ewers," " Yawn,"
"Guess," "Me," " My Ma's at Penge," " Smallun Half boy,"
"General Porridge, D.T.," " Me a Kiss" "The Hemisphere's
Wish," <L-c, (fee.

^[In a long communication which accompanied the MS. of this novel, the
Author gives a description of his literary method. We have only room for a
few extracts. "I have been accused of plagiarism, I reply that the accusa-
tion is ridiculous. Nature is the great plagiarist, the sucker of the brains of
authors. There is no situation, however romantic or grotesque, which Nature
does not sooner or later appropriate. Therefore the more natural an author

is, the more liable is he to envious accusations of plagiarism.......

Humour may often be detected in an absence of leg-coverings. A naval

officer is an essentially humorous object......As to literary style, it can

be varied at pleasure, but the romantic Egyptian and the plain South
African are perhaps best. In future my motto will be, ' Ars Lang a Rider
brevis,' and a very good motto too. I like writing in couples. Personally I could
never have bothered myself to learn up all these quaint myths and literary
fairy tales, but Lang likes it."]

Chapter I.

whole a very favourable view of the situation, and by its light I saw
six fine mallard, four teal and three widgeon come hurtling down, as
dead as so many door-nails, and much heavier on the top of my pros-
trate body.

When I recovered Sir Henry was bending over me and pouring
brandy down my throat. Coo-dent was sitting on the ground bind-
ing up his legs. "My dear old friend," said Sir Henry, in his
kindest tone, " this Yorkshire is too dangerous. My mind is made
up. This very night we all start for Mariannakookaland. Thereat
least our lives will be safe,"

Chapter III.

We were in Mariannakookaland. We had been there a 'month
travelling on, ever on, over the parching wastes, under the scorching
African sun which all but burnt us in our treks. Our Veldt slippers
were worn out, and our pace was consequently reduced to the merest
Kraal. At rare intervals during our adventurous march, we had
seen Stars and heard of Echoes, but now not a single Kopje was left,
and we were trudging along mournfully with our blistered tongas
protruding from our mouths.

Suddenly Sir Henry spoke—" Sjialltjn, my old friend," he said,
"do you see anything in the distance ?"
My name is Smalltjn Haleboy, a eurious""name for an old fellow I looked intently in the direction indicated, but could see nothing
like me, who have been battered and knocked about all-over the i but the horizon. "Look again," said Sir Henry. I swept the
world from Yorkshire to South y distance with my glance. It was

Africa. I'm not much of a hand . J/ a sandy, arid distance, and, natu-

at writing, but, bless your heart, I / - ' / i J rally enough, a small cloud of dust

know the Bab Ballads by heart, V -v V 1 W/a . ' ^ appeared. Then a strange thing

and I can tell you it's no end of a ^ \v\f if k/ <M happened. The cloud gTew and

joke quoting them everywhere, ^%xmllf«iift Hm/'/ "- &rew- ^ came rolling towards us

especially when you quote out of <-<~^^\jJmr' 1 \ \W i(''~f'r~x with an unearthly noise. Then it

an entirely different book. I am \ 1 1 j '. j^gST \ i .■ 1 A f i IMatisiazr'' 7'- i * \ seemed to be cleft in two, as by
not a brave man, but nobody ever ijdk r. -: Jw^ffwf-'' -• >>:-'' i'££\\'A '"fWTs V'q> t4® lightning, and from its centre
was a surer shot with an Express )^ * f^WXft®h&/ :f'f*X \#/: 1lQL£^~rS&tf'-^ came marching towards us a

longbow, and no one ever killed |) ,, ^^^yW/ #^^^:t/*^^^\ m^n^y °f Amazonian war-

more Africans, men and elephants, f'|.(\ ^Jf^-^^mW I /|S^7 -V^X/ riors, in battle-array, chanting

than I have in my time. But 1 do •■' ^/ Jpj> ^^SsMbsL ''&£ ' ^vi?*V'^e war-80n? °i ^he Mariannakoo-

love blood. I love it in regular fWAN^f^S' ' ^SnKK?"™* kas. I must confess that my first

rivers all over the place, with , - ^^Ka^^.I'f^^^Ps /^^^ii^^A^^^f^ instinct was to tly, my second to

gashes and slashes and lopped (jf^m^ ' run, my third, and best, to remain

heads and arms and legs rolling ^~-J 3v ^^\\ 'vSlkT^H JU§^m\ '> V ro°ted to the spot. When the

about everywhere. Black blood is ^jffi'rL^ ^i/r^'^'fijilm ^^sP^w**^ army came within ten yards of us,

the best variety ; I mean the blood (.'f'i6 I Mk • it stopped, as if by magic, and a

of black men, because nobody really S'." ' t%\§ ^IfiBli^J Wk ./' / stout Amazon, of forbidding aspect,

cares twopence about them, and \v • 111 vv '■m^M \W (/X ■z^-.^-z^'-r who seemed to be the Commander-

you can massacre several thousands L, ^'• - 4 -V/Mww* m in-Chief, advanced to the front,

of them in half-a-dozen lines and A; - ^^^)^>^lJ^\Mm^ MX />w On her head she wore an immense

offend no single soul. And, after -xz^ f<$sj[ wlV^ / .^81^$^^ native jelibag, tricked out with

all, I am not certain that black Nxj^j||pr ^ ___ ^^L"" feathers; her breast was encased

men have any souls, so that makes v^^^ v, VJ^^^^w^ f' ^ in a huge silver Greene. Her waist

things safe all round, as someone Jm — was encircled with a broad girdle,

says in the Hah Ballads. X3m " Xjg0 ^-^i',:^ • • in which were stuck all manner of

n JT " " ^-=^^S^^fc"'^X^ ? deadly arms, stuhpans, sorspans,

OHArTER 11. -sss^^^00^ —^ spihts, and deeshecloutz. In her

I WAS staying with my old friend ^ -s*^ left hand she carried a deadly-look-

Sir Henry Hurtits last winter at kaster> while in her right she

his ancestral home in Yorkshire. ~~= . _ ,. , , ,, *" brandished a massive rolinpin, a

We had been shooting all day with _ Then a strange thin^ haPPened. frightful weapon, which produces

indifferent results, and were returning home fagged and weary with ; internal wounds of the most awful kind. Her regiments were simi-
our rifles over our shoulders. I ought to have mentioned that | larly armed, save that, in their case, the breast-covering was made
Coodent —of course, you remember Captain Coodent, R.N.—was of j of inferior metal, and they wore no_feathers in their head-dres3.
the party. Ever since he had found his legs so much admired by an
appreciative public, he had worn a kilt without stockings, in order to
show them. This, however, was not done from vanity, I think, but
rather from a high sense of duty, for he felt that those who happened to
be born with personal advantages ought not to be deterred by any sense
of false modesty from gratifying the reading public by their display.
Lord, how we had laughed to see him struggling through the cling-
ing brambles in Sir Henry's coverts with his eye-glass in his eye
and his Express at the trail. At every step his unfortunate legs had
been more and more torn, until there was literally not a scrap of
sound Bkin upon them anywhere. Even the beaters, a stolid lot, had
roared when old Velveteens the secjnd keeper had brought up to
poor Coodent a lump of flesh from his right leg, which he had found
sticking on a thorn-bush in the centre of the high covert. Suddenly
Sir Henry stopped and shaded his eyes with his hand anxiously.
We all imitated him, though for my part, not being a sportsman, I
had no notion what was up. " What's the time of day, Sir
Henry ?" I ventured to whisper. Sir Henry never looked at me,
but took out his massive gold Winchester repeater and consulted it
in a low voice. " Four thirty," I heard him say, " they are about
due." Suddenly there was a whirring noise in the distance. "Duck,
duck!" shouted Sir Henry, now thoroughly aroused. 1 im-
mediately did so, ducked right down in fact, for I did not know
what might be coming, and I am a very timid man. At that moment
I heard a joint report from Sir Henry and Coodent. It gave on the

The Commander held up her hand. Instantly the war-song ceased,
Then the Commander addressed us, and her voice sounded like the
song of them that address the butchaboys in the morning. And this
was the torque she hurled at us,—

Chapter IY.

"Oh, wanderers from a far country, I am She-who-will-never-
Obey, the Queen of the Mariaunakookas. I rule above, and in nether
regions, where there is Eternal Fire. Behold my Word goes forth,
and the Oyens are made hot, and the Kee-chen-boi-lars are filled
with Water. Over me no Mistress holds sway. All whom I meet I
keep in subjection, save only the Weeklibuks : theni I keep not down,
for they delight me. And the land over which I reign is made glad
with fat and much stored up Dripn. Who are ye, and what seek ye
here ? Speak ere it be too late ! " And as she ceased the whole army
broke forth into a chorus, " She-who-will-never-0bey has spoken!
The Word is gone forth! Speak, speak ! " I confess I was alarmed,
and my fears were not diminished when two of the Skulrimehds
(a sort of native camp-follower) came up to Coodent and me, and
actually began to make love to us in the most forward manner.
But Sir Henry maintained his calm demeanour. " She-who-will-
never-Obey," he said, "we are peaceful traders. We bring no

Commission-" how his sentence would have ended will never be

known. Certain it is that what he said roused the Amazons to a
frenzy of passion. They yelled and danced round ut. "He who