Punch (100.1891)

January 31, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARL

57

OUR SPORT AND ART EXHIBITION.

FOR BETTER—OR WORSE.

[At the Anti-Gambling Demonstration recently held in Exeter Hall, Sir
Richard Webster, the Attorney-General, said that it "was supposed by
many that it was impossible to enjoy athletic pursuits without becoming
interesttd in a pecuniary sense. He should therefore like to add, not for the
purpose of holding himself up as an example, that, during his entire interest
in sports of all kinds, he had never made a bet.]

Ah ! these are days when Recklessness, bereft of ready cash,
Will strive to remedy the void by speculative splash ;
It is a salutary sight for Bankruptcy and Debt—
Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet.

His interest in manly sports, an interest immense,

Was ne'er degraded to a mere " pecuniary sense ; "

His boyhood's love of marbles leaves him nothing to regret—

Oar good Attorney-General who never made a bet.

Next, when a youth, the cricket-bat he first began to wield,
And "Heads or Tails?" re-echoed for the Innings through the
field.

He sternly scorned to toss the coin, howe'er his friends might f ret—
Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet.

And when, an Undergraduate, he swiftly skimmed his mile,
And comrades staked with confidence on him their little pile,
He 'd beg them not on his account in gambling ways to get—
This good Attorney-General who never made a bet.

To play for money ruins whist: and seldom can his Club
Persuade him to put counters (coins for Zulus !) on the rub ;
He has been known for lozenges to dabble with piquet;
He wasn't Chief Attorney then, nor was it quite a bet.

His wise profession's ornament, he looks on all such games

Far otherwise than Russell does, than Lockwood, Hall, or James ;

For pure platonic love of play he stands unequalled yet—

Our good Attorney-General who never made a bet.

St. Stephen's, too, thinks much of him; but ah ! his soul it pains
To know that Speculation o'er the lobby sometimes reigns;
He's chided Old Morality and Randolph and the set,
Beseeching them on bended knees to never make a bet.

We all are fond of him, in short, the Boxes with the Gods ;
That he's a first-rate fellow we would gladly lay the odds.
But no !—himself would veto that. We must not wound our pet
Precise Attorney-General who never made a bet.

THE ARISTOTELIAN TREASURE-TROVE.

All have heard of " a Manuscript found in a Bottle,"

But here is a waif with romance yet more fraught:
A newly-found treatise by old Aristotle

Is flotsam indeed from the Ocean of Thought.
Oh, happy discoverer, lucky Museum !

Not this time the foreigner scores off John Bull.
Teuton pundits would lift, for such luck, their Te Deum !

No Shapiea, Punch hopes, such a triumph to dull!
May it all turn out right! Further details won't tire us.
We may get some straight-tips from that Coptic papyrus !

ROBERT ON SKATOT.

Well, I begins to agree with them as says, and says it too as if
they ment it, that noboddy can reelly tell what is reel grand injiy-
ment till they trys it, and trys it farely, and gives it a good chance.
I remembers how I used to try and like Crikkit, when I was much
yunger than I am now, and stuck to it in spite of several black eyes
when I stood pint, and shouts of, "Now then, Butter-Fingers! "
when I stood leg, till a serten werry fast Bowler sent me away from
the wicket with two black and blew legs, and then I guv it up. I
guv up Foot Ball for simler reesuns, and have never attemted not
nothink in the Hathlettick line ewer since, my sumwat rapid increase
in size and wait a hading me in that wise resolooshun.

But sumhow it appened, dooring the hawful whether we has all
bin a shivering threw for this long time, that I found my atenshun
direckted to the strange f ack that, whilst amost ewerybody was busily
engaged in a cussin and swarin at the bitter cold and the dirty
slippery sno, ewerybody else seemed to be injying of theirselves
like wun-a-clock. Now it so appened that when waiting one day
upon the young swell I have before spoken of, at the " Grand 'Otel,"
he was jined by another swell, who told him what a glorius day's
skating he had been avin in Hide Park! and how he ment to go
agen to-raorrer, " if the luvly frost wood but continue! "

So my cureosety was naterally egsited, and nex day off I gos to
Hide Park, and there I seed the xplanation of what had serprised
me so much. For there was hunderds and hunderds of not only
spectably drest Gents, but also of reel-looking Ladys, a skatin
away like fun, and a larfing away and injying theirselves jest as if
it had bin a nice Summer's day. Presently I append to find myself
a standing jest by a nice respectabel looking man, with a
nice, cumferal-looking chair, and seweral pares of Skates; and
presently he says to me, quite permiscus - like, "They all
seems to be a injying theirselves, don't they, Sir?" which
they most suttenly did; and then he says to me, says he, " Do
you skate, Sir ?" to which my natral pride made me reply,
"Not much! " " Will you have a pair on. Sir," says he, "jest for
a trial ? " "Is there any fear of a axident ? " says I. "Oh no, Sir,"
says he, " not if you toilers my hinstrucshuns." So I acshally sets
myself down in his chair, and lets him put me on a pair of Skates !
The first differculty was, how to get up, which I found as I coudn't
manage at all without his. asistance ; for, strange to say, both of my
feet insisted on going quite contrary ways. Howewer, by grarsping
on him quite tite round his waste, I at last manidgea to go along
three or four slides, and then I returned to the chair, and sat down
again ; and he was kind enuff to compliment me, and to say that he
thort I was a gitting on fust-rate, and, if I woud only cum ewery
day for about a week or so, he had no dowt but he shood see me a
skating a figger of hate like the best on 'em !

Hencouraged by his truthfool remarks, I at larst wentured to let
go of him and try a few slides by myself, and shood no dowt have
suckseeded hadmerably, but my bootif al stick to which I was.! a
trustin to elp me from falling, slided rite away from me in a most
unnatral manner, and down I came on my onerabel seat, with such
a smasher as seemed to shake all my foreteen stun into a cocked-hat,
to speak, hallegorically, and there I lay, elpless and opeless, and
wundring how on airth I shood ever get up again. But my trusty
frend and guide was soon at my side, as the Poet says, but all his
united force, with that of too boys who came to his assistance, and
larfed all the wile, as rude boys will, coud not get me on my feet
agen 'till my too skates was taken off, and I agen found myself on
terror fermer on my friend's chair. It took me longer to recover
myself than I shood have thort posserbel, but at larst I was enabled
to crawl away, but not 'till my frend had supplied me with jest a
nice nip of brandy, which he said he kept andy in case of any such
surprisin axidents as had appened to me.

So what with paying for the use of the skates, and the use of the
Brandy, and the use of the too boys, and the use of a handsum Cab to
take me to the "Grand," that was rayther a deer ten minutes
skating, and as it was reelly and trewly my fust attemt at that
poplar and xciting passtime, I think I may safely affirm—as I have
alreddy done to my better harf—whose langwidge, when I related
my hadwentur, is scarcely worth repeating, as it was most certenly
not complementary-that it shall be my larst. Robert.

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"ON THE SCENT."