Punch: Punch (100.1891)

84

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 14, 1891.

spoil the Ministerial plan, and imperil their arrangements for the
week! It's all Coebtney's fault. Since Gedge tasted Courtney's
blood, on the night he interrupted his speech by chatting in the
Chair with Hebbebt Gabdneb, Gedge has never been the same
man. There's no Snowing to what lengths he may not go."

Business done.—Sydney Gedge broken out again worse than ever.

Tuesday.—Mabjobibanes rather depressed as he rose to move his
Resolution for appointment of Royal Commission on New Magazine
Rifle. Had hoped to appear under very g^r- -

different circumstances. Meant quite to r7 "svj?;^

put in the shade Lyon Playfalb's historic /. ife;/

lecture on Margarine, when he had the (J[ K^M

tables covered with pots of that substance,
with penny loaves and small knives for H>^i
Members to sample withal. For weeks ^iiBL
Mabjobibanes been preparing for occasion. s^t^Mz^^k.
Had possessed himself of quite an armoury L-i&^f. ^311
of rifles : intended to bring them into the Jl^> .>^§s8r
House and illustrate his lecture with

tical experiments. The climax was to be MW/il^^^^
the shooting-off scene. Bobby Spencee #HM||Sa5»
and Anstkctheb on in this. Bobby stand- Mv^fSPp»
ing at the Bar with an apple held on palm 1 ,y* N<V~^5^|fm
of extended right hand; Mabjobibanes, \;y .N- '^^^B,
using Martini-Henry Rifle, was to clear \\\;^^^^p|
the apple off, leaving Bobby's hair un-
singed, and not a wrinkle added to his ^^^^^^^^
collar. Ansteuthee was next to stand in % v^f

the same place, braving the fire of the \j. \\|

Magazine Rifle. But he didn't have an \ x\ '

apple, as it was arranged that the new arm \

"Suppose it doesn't?" Anstetjthee in- 'Iv^^;
quired, when Mabjobibanes first unfolded | J /fjmh

"Oh, th'at'U be all right," said;MAB- 1 J^jF

joeibanks, cheerily. A'LrJL^!U'f

Long practice on the Terrace made the <&&mS§^
arrangements perfect, when they were
suddenly upset by interference from un- _ standing Fire,
expected quarter. The Speakeb, wondering what all this rifle-
popping was, came to hear of the project; at once said it wouldn't
do ; no arms of any kind admitted in House of Commons, except the
sword worn by Sebgeant-at-Abms, and once a year the lethal
weapons carried by the Naval or Military gentlemen who move and
second Address. Bobby Spencee rather glad, I fancy ; Ansteuthee
not inconsolable. But Mabjobibanes distinctly depressed.

"Not often I occupy time of House," he said. " We Whips make
Houses, and you empty them. Duff—and he's not a Whip now—
made all the running with his orations on the herring brand.
Thought I would make a hit this time."

"I was a little afraid of it too," said Anstbhthee.
"Oh, you were all right," said Mabjobibanes; "the New
Magazine Rifle will not fire unless, after first shot, you clean it out
with an oily rag, and I was going to] take precious good care to

forget the rag. You've no
public spirit, Anstbetheb,
since you left us to help
WoLiiEB to whip up Dissen-
tients."

No appeal from Speaker's
ruling. Mabjobibanes had to
make the best of botched busi-
ness. Brought to the table a
spring snap-extractor, a bolt-
head screw, and some other
odds and ends ; poor substitute
for what he had intended. Still
made out admirable case, Go-
vernment mustering majority
of only 34 against Motion.

Just before Midnight, Tithes
Bill reached ; Gedge's Amend-
ment still blocked the way;
Chairman called aloud, " Mr.
Gedge I " no answer; place
empty. Whilst Members whis-
pering inquiry, Bill passed
through Committee, and Minis-
ters triumphed. That's all
very well, but where's Gedge ?
Cobb, who is developing quite
Grandolph's Latest Achievement. unsuspected gifts in the Ama-
... , teur-detective line, intends to

take this matter up when he has settled the affair of the Coroner at

Business done,—Tithe Bill through Committee. Mysterious dis-
appearance of Sydney Gedge.

Thursday Night.—Gbandolph back again, bringing his sheave3
—I mean his beard—with him. Hardly knew him at first. No such
beard been seen in House since Macfabeane left us. Not quite the
same colour; but Gbandolph could give a handful to Macfabeane,
and win.

"Yes," he said, when I complimented him on so magnificent a
result achieved in comparatively short time, "when I do a thing, I
like to do it well. Little awkward at first, you know, specially on
a windy day; tendency to get between your knees, or wrap itself
round your neck. But we 're growing used to each other, and shall
get on nicely by-and-by."

More of Tithes Bill. Drearier than ever, now Gedge's place is
empty. Business done.—Report Stage of Tithes Bill.

Friday.—Conversation as to course of public business. Old
Mobality regrets Tithes [Bill not through Reporting stage yet.
Down on the paper for to-night, hut didn't think there would be
much chance of reaching it. So put it down for Monday. If not
got through then, must be taken on Thursday, and John Mob-
ley's Resolution on Crimes Act shunted along indefinitely. Much
regretted this; duty to Queen and Country, &c.; but no one had
yet discovered the secret of inclosing a quart of fluid matter in a
glass receptacle not exceeding the capacity of one pint.

Members thus informed that Tithes Bill was taken off agenda
for to-night, went off; House emptied; and when, at quarter-past
Seven, Contbeabe rose to discuss Mining Royalties, was Counted Out.

"Why, bless me!" cried Old Mobality, aghast at the news,
"here's a sitting practically wasted, and we might have used it
for the Tithes Bill. Business done.—Motion to abolish Livery
Franchise negatived by 148 votes against 120.

ST. VALENTINE'S EYE.

Scene — The outside of d'small fancy'-stationer''s in a bach-street. The
windows are plastered with highly-coloured caricatures, designed
to convey the anonymous amenities prescribed by poetic tradition
at this Season of the Year. A small crowd is inspecting these
works of Art and Literature with 'hearty approval.
First Artisan. See this'ere, Bill? {He spells out with a slow
relish.) " With yer erawlin,' lick-spittle carneyin' ways,
Yo think very likely bein' a nippererit '11 pay !
Still some day it's certain you '11 be found out at lorst
As a cringin', sloimy, snoike in the grorss! "
Why, it might ha' been wrote a-purpose for that there little cantin'
beggar up at our shop—blowed if it mightn't!

Second Artisan, Young Mealy, yer mean ? But that's cawmpli
mentry—for him—that is!

First A. But yer see the ideer of it. They've drawed im a
snoike, all 'cept 'is 'ed, d'ye see? That's why they've wrote
" Snoike in the Grorss," underneath. Hor-hor ! they must be smart
chaps to think 0' sech things as that 'ere, eh ? [ They move on.

First Servant Girl (reading)—

"Two squintin' boss-heyes, and 'air all foiry-red.
You surely can't ever expect to be wed ?
Yer nose shows plain you've took to gin.
You 're a nice party for a wedding-ring ! "

I ve 'arf a mind to go in and git one 0' them to send Missis.

Second S. G. (in service elsewhere). Oh, I would! Go in, Sally,
quick. I can lend yer a ap'ny towards it.

Sally (meditatively). I'd do it—on'y she'd guess 'ood sent it her !
Second S. G. Let 'er. You can stick 'er out it wasn't you.
Sally, I could, 0' course—but it wouldn't be no use, she'd tell the
'andwriting on the hongvelope! (Gloomily,)

Second S. G. Oh, if that's all, I'll direct it for yer. Come on,
Sally : it will be sech a lark, and then you can tell me all about
what she said arterwards! \_They enter the shop.

First Young Person in hat and feathers (reading) —
" The female 'art you think you'll mash,
By sporting stick-up collars and a la-di-da moustache.
But I tell you straight it '11 be a long time
Before I take you to be my Valentine ! "
I do wonder what Chobley 'Awkins would say if I sent him one of
them.

Second Y. P. But I thought you"|.told 'me Chobley 'Aweins
never took no notice of you ?
First Y. P. No more he does—but p'raps this 'ud make him !
A Young Woman (who has fallen out with her fiance). They ain't
arf Valentines this year. I wish I could come across one with 'orns
and a tail!

Elder Sister (to small Brother—in a moral tone). Now, Jemmy,
you see what comes 0' Book-learnin'. If you 'adn't gone to the

----------»TO axLa.±±jjj. mo vuiuuci au Board School so reg'lar, you wouldn't ha' been able to read all the

the Uedfobd inquest. | potry on the Valentines like you can now, toould yer now ?

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