Punch: Punch (100.1891)

February 28, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 105

DUMAS UP TO ARMY ESTIMATES' DATE.

Part I—The Three Volunteers.

Lieutenant Porthos, Captain Athos, and
Major Aramis were delighted with, the pro-
gress discernible in every detail of the
battalion to which it was their honour to
belong. Not a man that did not appear on
parade conscious of the fact that he had made
himself proficient—the privates were con-
tented, the non-commissioned officers happy.
It was, indeed, a model Regiment. On the
occasion of their inspection by Colonel
D'Artagnan, a man marched from the
ranks, and demanded a hearing.

"And what do you want?" asked the
inspecting officer.

'•We wish the unjust to be made just,"
returned the discontented one. "We ask
for a reform."

Porthos, Athos, and Aramis would have
protested, but Colonel D'Artagnan motioned
them to be silent. "I am here," he mur-
mured, "to listen to complaints. I must
listen to his."

"Sir," said the complainant, "we have
admirable officers—the Lieutenant, the Cap-
tain, and the Major. They are always at
work."

"Yes," returned Colonel D'Artagnan;
" and so are you."

" But we have merely to obey orders, and
not to command. "We feel that although we
pay for everything connected with the bat-
talion, we should do something more. We
ought to subscribe a sum to pay our excellent
officers for commanding us ! "

And Porthos, Athos, and Aramis refused
the suggestion, to the great disappointment
of their subordinates.

Part II.—Twenty Years Afterwards.

Lieutenant Porthos, Captain Athos, and
Major Aramis were once again being inspected
by D'Artagnan, now wearing the gold and
crimson scarf of a general officer.

" Yes, I have a complaint to make," replied
one of the rank and file, in reply to the
customary interrogation. "We have three
officers ; but they have merely to give orders,
while we have to obey them. This is unfair
—unjust. We are always at work."

"Yes," returned General D'Artagnan,
" and so are they."

"True enough. We feel that, although
they pay everything for the battalion, they
should do more. They ought to compensate
their excellent privates for the time we devote
to obeying them."

And Portaos, Athos, and Aramis accepted
the suggestion, to the great delight of their
subordinates.

Part III.—Ten Years Later.

Lieutenant Porthos, Captain Athos, and
Major Aramis were yet again on parade.

"I salute you, my friends," said Field
Mirshal D'Artagnan, the inspecting officer.
"But where is your Regiment ? "

Porthos looked at Athos, and Athos
glanced at Aramis. Then they replied in a
breath, " It has been disbanded."

" Disbanded!" echoed D'Artagnan. "But
where are the accounts of the Corps ? "

Then the three friends replied in a mourn-
ful tone, "Filed in the Court of Bank-
ruptcy !"

'' And what do you call this filing of officers'
accounts in the Court of Bankruptcy P "

" We call it _ the last act of the Volunteer
Movement, which, by the way, however, was
not entirely voluntary ! "

And the four friends having no further
occupation requiring their joint attention,
shook hands warmly, and parted—for ever !

MEN WHO HAVE TAKEN ME IN-
TO DINNER.

(By a Dinner-Belle.)
No. I.—The Oyeb.-cultured Undergraduate.

He stood, as if posed by a column,

Awaiting our hostess' advance ;
Complacently pallid and solemn,

He deigned an Olympian glance.
Icy cool, in a room like a crater,

He silently marched me down-stairs,
And Mont Blanc could not freeze with a
greater

Assurance of grandeur and airs.

I questioned if Balliol was jolly—

" Your epithet," sighed he, "means noise.
Vile noise ! At his age it were folly

To revel with Philistine boys."
Competition, the century's vulture,

Devoured academical fools ;
For himself, utter pilgrim of Culture,

He countenanced none of the Schools.

Exams: were a Brummagem fashion

Of mobs and inferior taste ;
They withered "Translucence" and "Pas-
sion,"

They vulgarised leisure by haste.
Self to realise—that was the question,

Inscrutable still while the cooks
Of our Colleges preached indigestion,

Their Dons indigestible books.

Two volumes alone were not bathos,

The one by an early Chinese,
The other, that infinite pathos,

Our Nursery Rhymes, if you please.
He was lost, he avowed, in this era ;

His spirit was seared by the West,
But he deemed to be Monk in Madeira

Would probably suit him the best.

"Impressions of Babehood" in plenty

Succeeded, " Hot youth" and its tears,
Till I wondered if ninety or twenty

Summed up his unbearable years.
Great Heavens! I turned to my neighbour,

A Sqtjabson by culture unblest;
And welcomed at length in field-labour

And foxes refreshment and rest.

Question of the Knight.—If it be true, as
was mentioned in the World last week, that
Mr. Justice Wright has " climbed down," only
to be placed upon a higher perch, will any
change of name follow on the Knighthood ?
Will he be known as Sir Robert Rong, late
Mr. Justice Wright ?

OUR ADVERTISERS.

THE JERRYBAND PIANO is a thunder-
ing instrument._

HHHE JERRYBAND PIANO should be in
JL every Lunatic Asylum._

THE JERRYBAND PIANO.—This won-
derful and unique instrument, horizontal
and perpendicular Grand, five octaves, ham-
merless action, including keyboard, pedals,
gong, peal of bells, ophicleide stop, and all
the newest improvements, can be seen at
Messrs. Splitte and Son's Establishment,
High Hoiborn, and purchased On the Fifty
Years' Hire System, by which, at a payment
of 1«. l^d. a week, the piano, or what is left
of it, becomes the property of the purchaser,
or his heirs and executors, at the expiration
of that period._

PECADlLLA is a new after - dinner,
home-grown Sherry, of quite extraordi-
nary vahuea^dstartJinj^e^_

PECADlLLA is a full, fruity, gout-giving,
generous, heady wine, smooth on the
palate, round in the mouth, full of body,
wing, character, and crust._

PECADlLLA. may be safely offered at
funerals.

PECADlLLA is a beverage for Dukes in
distressed circumstances.

PECADlLLA is the wine, par excellence,
for the retrenching.

PECADlLLA, mixed with citrate of soda,
treacle, and soda-water, and drunk in
the dark immediately after a glass of hot
ginger brandy, will be found to possess all
the quality of a low-priced Champagne.

PECADlLLA is the making of an econo-
mical wedding breakfast.

PECADLLLA. A few parcels of this
unique and delicious Wine are still to
be had of the grower, a Sicilian Count,
for the moment resident in Houndsditch, at
the nominal price, inclusive of the bottles,
of five shillings and ninepence the dozen.

TO MR. RUDYARD KIPLING.

{An Explanation.)

[" Every minute of my time during 1891 is
already mortgaged. In 1892 you may count upon
me."—Mr. Jerome K. Jerome, not Mr. Budyard
Kiplino. See " Punch," Feb. 14.]

Oh, Mr. Kipling !—you whose pungent pen
Of pirate publishers has been the terror,

Try hard, I beg you, to forgive me, when
I openly confess I wrote in error.

It was not you by whom the deed was done,
But Mr. Jerome 'twas who wrote and said he

Could not contribute, since his Ninety-One
Was mortgaged to the Editors already.

'Twas rough on you, indeed, in such a way,
By thinking you were he, to dim your glory.

Yet pray believe I really grieve to say
I mixed you up with quite "another story"

Dramatic Illustration of an Adver-
tisement.—In one of the advertising columns
of the Times the paragraph appeared one day
last week. The newspaper containing it lay
on the table of a drawing-room. Elderly
beau was making up (he was accustomed to
making-up in another sense, as his wig and
whiskers could testify) to charming young
lady. Such was the scene. He asked her to
accept him. Her reply was to show him the
heading of this advertisement in the Times :—
"Youth Wanted." Tableau.' Exit Beau.
Curtain.