Punch: Punch (100.1891)

Mabch 7, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 117

MOST EXTRAORDINARY.

Dismounted Sportsman. ''Now, how the deuce did my Hat manage to get up There?"

THE LATEST IN TELEGRAMS.

(See Daily Papers passim.)
[All from the Razzle-Dazzle Agency.]

Hukiewaukie, February 28.

An extraordinary incident has just stirred the heart of this
populous Western centre to its depths. Some fifteen years ago
Colonel Zachary B. Dibbs, one of the most prominent citizens of
Hukiewaukie (then a mere collection of log-huts), disappeared with-
out leaving any address to which his letters and papers were to be
forwarded. Mrs. Dibbs, who was then about to give birth to the
seventh scion of the house of Dibbs, was inconsolable, and ordered
the fish-ponds in the vicinity to be subjected to a rigorous
scrutiny. All her conjugal efforts proved fruitless, the missing
Colonel was nowhere to be found, and, after a decent interval spent
in the wearing of widow's weeds, Mrs. Dibbs was led to the local
registrar's office by Sheriff's Deputy Orxando T. Struggles. Time
went on, and five flourishing Struggleses were added by the former
Mrs. Dibbs to the population of the town. On Thursday last, however,
Colonel Dibbs was discovered by his eldest, son, Mr. Jerniah N.
Dibbs, the well-known notary public, sitting'in his familiar seat in
the Fifth Street Saloon, drinking rum-shrub out of a tumbler. An
explanation followed. Sheriff's Deputy Struggles, in the hand-
somest manner, offered to resign all claim to the possession of the
Colonel's spouse. The Colonel, however, would not hear of this.
Finally it was decided to spin a five-dollar green-back for the lady.
An inopportune gust of wind, however, carried off the fateful money,
and the momentous question is still undecided. The Colonel has
announced his intention of continuing a bachelor, even if he has to
fight the matter up to the Supreme Court, and a large majority of
the inhabitants of the town are willing to support him, with a view
to making this a test case. Munchausenville, March 2.

Yesterday, as one of the chief tiger-purveyors of this city was
engaged in exercising his troupe of fiery, untamed tigers, in the
main street, two of the ferocious animals escaped from the string
which has usually been found sufficient for their confinement.
A general stampede of the inhabitants immediately followed, the
majority finding refuge in the bar of the recently constructed Hotel
Columbia. Mayor Madderxey and his amiable consort were, how-

ever, not so*fortunate. The Mayor, being shortsighted, mistook the
two denizens of the jungle for a couple of performing poodles, to
whose training he had devoted much of his leisure, and who, as it
happened, were at that precise moment expected on their return
from the post-office, with the Mayor's mail in their mouths—a trick
which had often amused the Mayor's friends. Mr. Madderley
advanced to stroke his supposed pets, and was much surprised to find
himself torn in pieces before he had time to send for the city mace.
Mrs. Madderley, a stout, plethoric lady, would have been the next
victim, had she not, with extraordinary presence of mind, declared
herself dead the moment the animals approached her. This deceit
(which, however, has been the subject of grave censure in many
pulpits,) saved her life. Maddened by the taste of blood, the tigers
next attacked Mr. Lariat's grocery store. Here, however, they met
their match in an army of Gorgonzola cheeses, which broke from
their shelves, attacked the intruders with wonderful fury, and in
ten minutes had so far subdued them that their owner was able to
recapture them, and lead them home. The obsequies of Mr. Madder-
lei's shoes and his umbrella— all that was left of the unhappy Mayor
—have just taken place amidst universal demonstrations of sympathy.
The funeral cortege took an hour to pass a given point. "Widow Mad-
derley proposes to sue.the owner of her late husband's assassins.

Lynchyixle, March 3.
Two brothers, named respectively John and Thomas, quarrelled
here yesterday about the ownership of a clasp-knife. They drew
their revolvers at the same instant, and fired at a distance of two
paces. Strangely enough the two deadly bullets met in the air, and,
their force being exactly equal, they stopped dead and dropped to
the ground, whence they were afterwards picked up and presented
to the trustees of the Lynchville Museum of Fine Art. Nothing
daunted, the fraternal contestants set to work with their bowie-
knives, and were only separated after John had inflicted on Thomas
ten mortal wounds and received from him one less. It is generally
admitted that nothing could have been fairer than the conduct of
the police, who formed a cordon round the duellists, and thus pre-
vented the fussy interference which has so often brought similar affairs
to a premature termination. The two coffins are to be of polished
walnut-wood, and will be provided by the Friendly Society to which
the two deceased belonged, as a last mark of affection and regard.