Punch: Punch (100.1891)

120

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 7, 1891.

Recommended appointment of Royal Commission on relations
between Labour and Capital. To uninstructed mind looks uncom-
monly like as if Ministers, reading this speech on Monday morning:,
had said to each other, " Halloa! here's Randolph in the field again.
Say8 we must have Labour Commission; suppose we must."

Nothing of the kind happened. Cabinet Council met at noon on
Saturday and decided upon Royal Commission. Gbandolph didn't
speak for some hours later. Odd that he should have hit on this
Commission busines; just like his general awkwardness of inter-
ference. Must prevent all possibility of mistake; so Old Morality,
in announcing Commission, innocently, but pointedly, stops by the
way to mention that Ministers had decided upon it "last Saturday."

Wish Gbandolph had been here; would like to have seen the
twinkle in his eye when he heard this little point made. But
G Randolph busy down by the Docks, picking up his outfit. Secret
of the sudden and surprising growth of the beard out now. Gbandolph
off to the gold-diggings, and beard usually worn there. Hardly knew
him when I looked in the other day at Connaught Place ; trying on
his new things ; pair of rough unpolished boots coming over his knees ;
belt round his waist holding up his trousers and conveniently sus-
pending jacknife, tin pannikin, and water-bottle. " For use on the
voyage," he explains. Then a flannel shirt open at the neck ; a wide-
awake cocked on one side of his head ; and a pickaxe on his shoulder.

"I'm tired of civilisation, Toby, and I am off to the diggins.
Leave you and Old Mobality, and the Mabkiss and Jacoby
to look after politics. As for me, I'm going to look for gold.
I'm not rushing blindfold into the matter. I've studied it with the
highest and the deepest authorities—and what do I learn? Native
gold is found crystallised in the forms of the octahedron, the cube,
and the dodecahedron, of which the cube is considered as the
primary form. It also occurs in filiform, capillary, and arborescent
shapes, as likewise in leaves or membranes, and rolled masses. It
offers no indications of internal structure, but, on being separated
by mechanical violence, exhibits a hackly fracture. Its colour com-
prises various shades of gold yellow. Its specific gravity varies from
14'8 to 19'2. It is commonly alloyed by copper, silver, and iron, in
very small proportions. I mean, if I may say so, to unalloy it" •
and, swinging the pick round his head with a dexterity that testified
to matural aptitude combined with diligent practice, Gbaudolph
chipped a fragment out of the marble mantelpiece, and, picking it
up, eagerly examined it, as if in search of a hackly fracture.

I wished him good luck, and went
back to the House, where 1 found Bid-
dulph smiling behind Speaker's chair,
watching Atkinson illustrating the work-
ing of his Duration of Speeches Bill by
ringing a muffin-bell, borrowed from a
Constituent.

Business done.—Miscellaneous.

Thursday,—Should have been at work
to-night on Army Estimates ; but things
getting a little mixed. Nearly 150 Mem-
bers picknicking at Portsmouth ; all the
Colonels, the Bo'suns, the Captains, and
the Admirals.

"Capital opportunity to get on with
the Estimates," Jackson whispered in
Old Mobality's ear.

"No," said that pink of chivalry, "I
will never take mean advantage of a
man, even of an Admiral. Let us put on
the Factories and Workshops Bill; won't
take long; keep us going till they get
back from Portsmouth."

So Home Secretary moved Second
Reading. " Mere formality, you know,"
he explained ; '1 shall refer Bill to Com-
mittee on Trade, and there it will be
thrashed out and shaped." But flood-
gates once opened not easily shut. The
Factories and Workshops mean the

Working-Man ; Working-Man has Vote : „ rilu , „ . „

General Election not far off ; must show That evemI]g bel1!
Working-Man who's his true friend. Everybody his true friend.
Speeches by the dozen; Compton, after lonsr sitting in patient
attitude at last caught Speaker's eye. " A milk-and-water Bill,"
he scornfully characterised Home Secretaby's measure.

"Ah! Compton knows what the Working-Man likes," said
Wilfbid Lawson. " A rum-and-milk Bill is more to Ms taste."

Lyon Playfaib delivered one of his luminous Lectures ; full of
reference to "certifying surgeons," and "half-time children."

" What's a half-time child?" I asked Campbell-Banneeman.

"Fancy it's one prematurely born," he whispered back. "But
really don't know; not on in this scene; ask Mtjndella or pleeceman."

Lyon Playfaib knew all about it and much else.

" Wonderful man ! " said the Member for Sabk, gazing admiringly
on his massive brow. "Always reminds me of what Sydney Smith
said about another eminent person. ' Look at my little friend Jef-
frey. He hasn't body enough to
cover his mind decently with. His
intellect is indecently exposed.' "

Business done. — Factory and
Workshops Bill read a Second Time.

Friday. — Provand brought on
Motion raising vexed question of
Taxation of Land. Old Morality
always on look-out to do kind thing;
thought this would be good oppor-
tunity of trotting out Chaplin ;
had no chance of distinguishing
himself since he became Minister.
So Chaplin put up; made melli-
fluous speech. Unfortunately,
Mr. G. present; listened to Chap-
lin with suspicious suavity ; fol-
lowed him, and, as Jemmy Low-
ther puts it, "turned him inside
out, and hung him up to dry."
Played with him like a cat with a
mouse ; drew him out into damag-
ing statements; then danced on
his prostrate body. About the

worst quarter of an hour Chaplin *^^3§|Ss"/' 3

ever had in House, with Jokem on ^g^pf/ ^~?>'y

one side of him, and Old Mora- w*""^
lity on other, tossing about on Waiting for Opportunity,

their seats, exchanging groans and glances, while Chaplin mopped
the massive brow on which stood forth iridescent gleams of moisture.

"Meant it all for the best," said Old Morality; "but who'd
have thought of Mr. G. being here ? Chaplin's a great Minister of
Agriculture; but, when it comes to questions of finance, not quite
on a par with Mr. G." Business done.—House Counted Out.

CHAMBERS IN ST. JAMES'S STREET.
The Idler, by Haddon Chambers, is a real good play, thoroughly
interesting from the rising to the setting of the Curtain. The parts are
artistically adjusted, the dialogue unforced, the acting un-stagey, and
the situations powerfully dramatic. The climax is reached at the
" psychological moment," and the Curtain descends upon all that a
sympathetic audience can possibly desire to know of what must be once
and for all the story of a life-time. " The rest is silence." Through-
out the play there is no parade of false sentimentality, no tawdry
virtue, no copy-book morality, no vicious silliness ; and, so well con-
structed is the plot, that there is no need of a wearisome extra Act,
by way of postscript, to tell us how all the characters met again at the
North Pole or Land's End ; how everybody explained everything to
everybody else ; how the Idler, becoming a busy-body, married the
widow of Sir John Harding, 31.P., who had had the misfortune to be
drowned out shrimping; and how many other matters happened for
which the wearied audience would not care one snap of the finger and
thumb. On another occasion I shall have something to say about the
acting, which, as far as the men are concerned, has certainly not been
equalled since the days of Peril. The St. James's is in for a good
thing with The Idler ; and at this moment I may say, I would be
Alexander were I not, briefly, Diogenes "The Tubman," B.C.L.

Acting—on a Suggestion.— The Woman, always well informed,
tells us on February 26, that, "owing to numerous applications,"
Mr. C. T. Grein is negotiating for the Royalty Theatre, in order to
give another Ibsenian performance. Now this is exactly what we
suggested in our number for February 14. If the date suits, we will
go and see Ghosts, and, if we succeed in keeping up our spirits after
seeing Ghosts, we will give a candid opinion on the performance of
the piece which hitherto we know only in print. Fin attendant, we
shall have something to say about the recent performance of that
piece of Ibsenity A Doll's House—in our next.

What's in a Name?—On the recent occasion of the Queen's
visit to Portsmouth, no one of the officials seems to have been more
on the alert and more generally alive than Mr. Deadm an, the Chief
Constructor of the Yard._

"En iterum Crisplnus!"—Hamlet on the real distinction
between Theatres and Music Halls—

" To B. (and S.) or not to B. (and S.) that is the question ! "

Happy Pbospect.—The Wild Birds, if the Bill for their protec-
tion becomes law, will remember the Session of 1891 as a year of
Pease and Quiet.

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