DOI Heft:
March 14, 1891
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17691#0133
Maech 14, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 123
A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main;
Aht! give me my native Newmarkit again ;
The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl,
Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than all.
'Ome, 'ome,
Sweet, sweet 'ome,
"With Raises*, Lowther, Chaplin, there's no place
like 'ome.
"Mean to sing that at our next 'Smoker,' Bob.
But till then, Ta—ta! ! "
* Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. Samuel
Smith, " what proportion betting messages bear to the other
telegrams transmitted by the Post-office Department."
Desdernona to the Author of "Dorian Gray."
(A propos of his paragraphic Preface.)
" These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow
i' the Club corner. What miserable praise hast thou
for him that's foul and foolish? "
Something m a Same.—A recent theatrical an-
nouncement informed us that a new comedy would be
produced from the pen of a Mr. Henrt Dam. If suc-
cessful, imagine the audience calling for the Author
by name. If a triumph, the new dramatist will be
known as " The big, big D."
By a Tired and Cynical Critic of Current
Fiction.
A " School for Novelists," they say, has risen.
A School ? What's really wanted is a Prison.
Life-long confinement far from pen and ink
Might cure the crowd of fictionists, I think.
Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight,
Go teach the ISiovelist how not to write !
Athletics.—It is said that the County Council are
resolved to forbid the popular feats of raising heavy
weights, upon the ground that it may lead to shoplifting.
Working Ann Plating Bees.—Lady B-ountiful
first, at the Garrick, and Lady B-arter at the Princess's.
OLD FRIENDS.
Big Ben "On, Flattery *s the Bane of Friendship I Just look at you
and me, old man 1 why, I 've always told you the truth about yourself,
however disagreeable! It 's a way I have. and yet we 've been fast
Friends for Forty Years, and I like you better than any Friend I pos-
sess ! Indeed, you're about the only Friend I've got left i"
Little Dick {dreamily). "Ah, but you must remember that I've never told
you the Truth back aqain!"
THE FIRST ACT—AND THE LAST.
{A Departmental Tragi-Comedy, in active Reh-earsal.)
Act I.— The Scene represents the Lnterior of a Military Lnstruction
Boom. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced
Problems and Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and
various Scientific Charts cover the Walls. Models of mechanical
contrivances and machinery used in the construction of complicated
Small Arms approved by the Authorities, are scattered about
in every direction. Tommy Atkins is discovered, giving his best
attention to the conclusion of a very lengthy but rather abstruse
explanatory Lecture.
Military Lnstructor {who has been for an hour and a half ex-
plaining the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle,
finally approaching the end of his subject). Well, as I have fully
explained before, but may state once more, so as to firmly impress
it on your memory, you will bear in mind that the cylindrical
portion will be shortened in front, the end of the rib being provided
with tooth underneath, and stud on top, both studs on rib to have
undercut grooves, a small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover,
being added, while the cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not
forget that j ammed cases or bullets are removed by two ramrods,
screwed together by the locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again
go over the twenty-four different screws, but, in case of accident, it
will be well to retain their various outside thread diameters in your
memory, specially not forgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring,
the Dial Sight Pivot, and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively
at "1696, "1656, and "11G of an inch. Of course you will remember
the seven pins, and that, if anything should go wrong with the Bolt
Head Cover Pin, as you will practically have to take the whole rifle
to pieces, you should be thoroughly familiar with the 197 different
component items, which, properly adjusted one with the other, make
up the whole weapon. I think I need not refer again to the "sight-
ing," seeing that the Lewes system is abolished, and that the
weapon is now sighted up to 3,500 yards, "dead on," no matter what
the wind may be. With this remark, I have much pleasure in
placing the rifb in your hands {gives him one), at the same time
advising you, if called upon to use it in the heat of action, to be pre-
pared with the knowledge I have endeavoured to impart to you to-
day, and, above all things, to keep your head cool. I don't think I
have anything more to add, Atklns. I have made myself pretty
clear ?
Tommy Atkins {with a grin). 'Ees, Sir !
Military Lnstructor. And there is nothing more you wish to ask
me ?
Tommy Atkins {still grinning). Noa, Sir!
Military Lnstructor. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you
will find it, what they assure me it is,—a most serviceable weapon.
Tommy Atkins {saluting). 'Ees, Sir ! _
[Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends.
Act II.—-The Scene represents a Field of Battle {after the fight) in
the immediate neighbourhood of London. Tommy Atkins and
the Military Instructor discovered lying badly wounded amidst a
heap of the slain. A European War having broken out sud-
denly, from which the Country could not escape, and the Fleet
at the last moment, finding that it had only half its proper supply
of guns, and that the very few of these which did not burst at the
first shot had ammunition provided for them that was two sizes
too large, the Country is invaded, while a Committee of Experts
is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge for the new Maga-
zine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple of pitched battles,
though, in an outburst of popular fury, Mr. Stanhope is lynched
by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London
capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts,
waited on by the Lord Mayor, in the Bank of England.
Military Lnstructor {sitting up and rubbing his eyes). Dear me!
we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all.
{Recognising him.) Halloa, Atkins !
Tommy Atkins {with a grin). 'Ees, Sir !
Military Lnstructor. You remember all I told you f
Tommy A'kins {still grinning). 'Ees, Sir!
Military Lnstructor. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceable
weapon, after all!
Tommy Atkins {still grinning). Noa, Sir !
Military Lnstructor. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of
this I By Jove ! it looks like the last Act!
[Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the Battle-field, the
Military Instructor threatening to write to the " Times,"
and Tommt Atkins still grinning as Curtain falls.
A hexile from Parry, I'm off o'er the main;
Aht! give me my native Newmarkit again ;
The mugs, smiling sweetly, wot come at my bawl,
Give me these, and the "pieces," far dearer than all.
'Ome, 'ome,
Sweet, sweet 'ome,
"With Raises*, Lowther, Chaplin, there's no place
like 'ome.
"Mean to sing that at our next 'Smoker,' Bob.
But till then, Ta—ta! ! "
* Which gentleman declined to find out for Mr. Samuel
Smith, " what proportion betting messages bear to the other
telegrams transmitted by the Post-office Department."
Desdernona to the Author of "Dorian Gray."
(A propos of his paragraphic Preface.)
" These are old fond paradoxes, to make boys crow
i' the Club corner. What miserable praise hast thou
for him that's foul and foolish? "
Something m a Same.—A recent theatrical an-
nouncement informed us that a new comedy would be
produced from the pen of a Mr. Henrt Dam. If suc-
cessful, imagine the audience calling for the Author
by name. If a triumph, the new dramatist will be
known as " The big, big D."
By a Tired and Cynical Critic of Current
Fiction.
A " School for Novelists," they say, has risen.
A School ? What's really wanted is a Prison.
Life-long confinement far from pen and ink
Might cure the crowd of fictionists, I think.
Or, if by Lessons you'd arrest the blight,
Go teach the ISiovelist how not to write !
Athletics.—It is said that the County Council are
resolved to forbid the popular feats of raising heavy
weights, upon the ground that it may lead to shoplifting.
Working Ann Plating Bees.—Lady B-ountiful
first, at the Garrick, and Lady B-arter at the Princess's.
OLD FRIENDS.
Big Ben "On, Flattery *s the Bane of Friendship I Just look at you
and me, old man 1 why, I 've always told you the truth about yourself,
however disagreeable! It 's a way I have. and yet we 've been fast
Friends for Forty Years, and I like you better than any Friend I pos-
sess ! Indeed, you're about the only Friend I've got left i"
Little Dick {dreamily). "Ah, but you must remember that I've never told
you the Truth back aqain!"
THE FIRST ACT—AND THE LAST.
{A Departmental Tragi-Comedy, in active Reh-earsal.)
Act I.— The Scene represents the Lnterior of a Military Lnstruction
Boom. Black Boards, on which are displayed advanced
Problems and Calculations in the Higher Mathematics, and
various Scientific Charts cover the Walls. Models of mechanical
contrivances and machinery used in the construction of complicated
Small Arms approved by the Authorities, are scattered about
in every direction. Tommy Atkins is discovered, giving his best
attention to the conclusion of a very lengthy but rather abstruse
explanatory Lecture.
Military Lnstructor {who has been for an hour and a half ex-
plaining the intricate mechanism of the new Magazine Rifle,
finally approaching the end of his subject). Well, as I have fully
explained before, but may state once more, so as to firmly impress
it on your memory, you will bear in mind that the cylindrical
portion will be shortened in front, the end of the rib being provided
with tooth underneath, and stud on top, both studs on rib to have
undercut grooves, a small keeper-screw, and bolt-head for cover,
being added, while the cocking-stud is enlarged. Then do not
forget that j ammed cases or bullets are removed by two ramrods,
screwed together by the locking-bolt being omitted. I needn't again
go over the twenty-four different screws, but, in case of accident, it
will be well to retain their various outside thread diameters in your
memory, specially not forgetting that those of the Butt Trap Spring,
the Dial Sight Pivot, and the Striker Keeper Screw, stand respectively
at "1696, "1656, and "11G of an inch. Of course you will remember
the seven pins, and that, if anything should go wrong with the Bolt
Head Cover Pin, as you will practically have to take the whole rifle
to pieces, you should be thoroughly familiar with the 197 different
component items, which, properly adjusted one with the other, make
up the whole weapon. I think I need not refer again to the "sight-
ing," seeing that the Lewes system is abolished, and that the
weapon is now sighted up to 3,500 yards, "dead on," no matter what
the wind may be. With this remark, I have much pleasure in
placing the rifb in your hands {gives him one), at the same time
advising you, if called upon to use it in the heat of action, to be pre-
pared with the knowledge I have endeavoured to impart to you to-
day, and, above all things, to keep your head cool. I don't think I
have anything more to add, Atklns. I have made myself pretty
clear ?
Tommy Atkins {with a grin). 'Ees, Sir !
Military Lnstructor. And there is nothing more you wish to ask
me ?
Tommy Atkins {still grinning). Noa, Sir!
Military Lnstructor. Ah! well then, good morning. I trust you
will find it, what they assure me it is,—a most serviceable weapon.
Tommy Atkins {saluting). 'Ees, Sir ! _
[Exit, still grinning as Act-Drop descends.
Act II.—-The Scene represents a Field of Battle {after the fight) in
the immediate neighbourhood of London. Tommy Atkins and
the Military Instructor discovered lying badly wounded amidst a
heap of the slain. A European War having broken out sud-
denly, from which the Country could not escape, and the Fleet
at the last moment, finding that it had only half its proper supply
of guns, and that the very few of these which did not burst at the
first shot had ammunition provided for them that was two sizes
too large, the Country is invaded, while a Committee of Experts
is still trying to settle on a suitable cartridge for the new Maga-
zine Rifle. The result is, that after a couple of pitched battles,
though, in an outburst of popular fury, Mr. Stanhope is lynched
by the Mob to a lamp-post in Parliament Street, London
capitulates, and the French Commander-in-Chief, breakfasts,
waited on by the Lord Mayor, in the Bank of England.
Military Lnstructor {sitting up and rubbing his eyes). Dear me!
we seem to have been beaten. That Rifle was no good, after all.
{Recognising him.) Halloa, Atkins !
Tommy Atkins {with a grin). 'Ees, Sir !
Military Lnstructor. You remember all I told you f
Tommy A'kins {still grinning). 'Ees, Sir!
Military Lnstructor. I'm afraid that wasn't such a serviceable
weapon, after all!
Tommy Atkins {still grinning). Noa, Sir !
Military Lnstructor. Dear me! Well, we had better get out of
this I By Jove ! it looks like the last Act!
[Mutually assist each other to rise and quit the Battle-field, the
Military Instructor threatening to write to the " Times,"
and Tommt Atkins still grinning as Curtain falls.