Punch: Punch (100.1891)

April 4, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 161

would it be on the same terms ?—No, the buyer is usually sold, but

the seller loves the first of April.-If another agent were to let my

house, would you, likewise, expect commission ? — Why not ? I am

the best friend of the little lawyer with the long nose.-1 was

inquiring of you about flats.—It were better that you should be

sharp, Sir.-1 was not born yesterday (proverb.)—Right (adjective)

you are, Sir; we will write (verb) to you till you take or let some-
thing, not alone I, but also some others ; if you refuse me something,

I will be very discontented.'-Have you ever let well alone ? (idiom).

—We have let many things alone (bare), but you must, notwithstand-
ing) Pay f°r the fixtures.-1 think I will be going.—Here are

pens, paper, and a form of an attorney.-No, I thank you.—We

shall not charge for this interview, but one must live.-1 do not

see the necessity (v. Anecdotes in Appendix).—The Necessity is the

mother of the Inventory.-Who is the Caretaker^?—She is the

great-grandmother of the superannuated laundress. She becomes

sleepy during the Winter. Shall we send her to your house ?-

Not if I know it (expletive). Receive the assurance (insurance) of
my highest consideration. By the bye (interjection), which is the
topmost storey ?—The topmost story is the last thing you have
heard me mention, I salute you, Sir.

TAKEN UPON TRUST.

(A Fair-and-Unfairy Story, Founded upon a Magic Act.)

Once upon a time there existed two fatherless and motherless
orphans, who were just old enough to work for their living. Un-
fortunately they did not know how to dig, were too proud to beg,
and had conscientious scruples that prevented them from stealing.

Besides, one of the two was a girl; and there
were not many openings for her. And matters
would have gone very hard with them, in-
deed, had not a distant, but benevolent
relative, kindly died and left them as a legacy
a sum of money, of which they were to have
the interest until they attained their majority,
when it was to be divided equally between
them. They were overjoyed, and rushed to
the executor, who happened to be a lawyer.
"Yes," said the man of costs, " I am indeed
^ charged with the execution of the trust, and
x for your own sakes I hope you will not give
me much trouble, as I shall, under the conditions of the will, have
to make you pay for it."

And after he had entered their visit (which he called an attend-
ance) in his diary, to be subsequently copied into a ledger, he bowed
them out.

_ So the two orphans disappeared a ittle crestfallen; and they soon
discovered that their legacy had the faculty of diminishing. The
lawyer immediately transferred the money, which was invested in
what he called "second-rate securities," into Consols, and this cost
something, and considerably diminished their income. When the
two orphans remonstrated, the lawyer said, that as he made scarcely
more than out-of-pocket expenses in the matter, he did not feel
justified in incurring the slightest risk.

"I am only a simple girl," murmured one of the orphans, with a
nervous blush; "but does not a recent statute give trustees power
to invest the funds of their cestui que trusts in securities yielding
a larger return than 2| Goschens ? "

"Do not bandy words with me, Miss," replied the lawyer, angrily;
"I shall act as I please, and if you .or I ask for the estate to be
administered, it will cost you a pretty penny."

"Which no doubt will find its way into your pocket," returned
the maiden, simply. "But surely a 4£ mortgage on real property
can be obtained without risk, if you do, not act contrary to the pro-
visions of the Trustee Relief Act ? "

But the lawyer was very angry, and threatened her that if she
made any further complaint he would appeal to the Chancery
Division of the High Court of Justice, which would mean, probably,
the absorption of the entire estate in a gigantic bill of costs.

So, with a sigh, the maiden and her brother retired. That night,
as she was sitting over the fire, before retiring to rest, she had a
dream, when a nice-looking old gentleman appeared before her, and
asked her "why she was so sad ? "

"Because we have a lawyer for our trustee, who is most un-
obliging, and expensive. I am afraid, kind Sir, you cannot help us."

"Do not say so until you have perused this scroll," he replied,
with a benevolent smile, and he gave her a paper. "To-morrow, if
your trustee again threatens you, and offers to retire, take him at
his word. If I replace him, I will do all you wish—enter into
mortgages, invest your capital to the best possible advantage, and
make myself generally amiable."

" But how shall we pay you for so much kindness ? " asked the
now overjoyed maiden.

" By a tariff fixed by the Government. It will be my duty to do

my best for you, and I shall have no personal interest in running up
costs like the common (or garden) kind of family Solicitor."

So the next day, when the lawyer began to threaten to resign, the
orphans took him at his word, and all that the nice-looking old
gentleman had foretold came to pass. And when the orphans were
getting the best possible interest for their money, at a trifling
expense, the maiden looked at the scroll which had been given to
her, and found it was inscribed, "The Public Trustee Act."

And, so far as the lawyer, who had been discarded, knew (or
cared), the maiden and her brother lived happily ever afterwards.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

More about Dickens. By the loving hand of Percy Fitzgerald
the Bookmaker,—not sporting, but literary. Of making books, with
Percy Fitz there is no _ end. He is the king of the Bookmakers,
Per se Fitz. This time it is the History of the Posthumous Papers
of the Pickwick Club, published by Chapman and Hall, and
"inscribed"—whynot dedicated?"—to Henry Fielding Dickens,
son of " The Only One," the Master. Interesting ? Of course it is,
anything about Dickens, specially in connection with the immortal
Pickwick, must be interesting, and for chatty, gossiping book-
making we only say, " Give us Fitz." He is to the manor born.
He is neither romancer nor poet: "poeta nascitur non 'Fitz.'"
Occasionally Friz is aggravatingly reticent. For instance, at
page 16 we read, "Two or three years ago"—which? two or
three?—"a curious and amusing coincidence brought the author's
son, a barrister in good practice"—Which son ? His name ?
There were more sons than one; were they all barristers ? And
was this one the only one in good practice?—"into connection with
his father's famous book. It occurred at a trial on the Circuit.''1
Which Circuit ? Which is " the Circuit" ? The Baron, who is now
the Last of the Barons but one, only asks because the phrase '' on
Circuit" would not have required his query ; but " on the Circuit"
is] another pair of shoes. A trial.'" What trial ? When ? At
p. 17, " The Judge entered into the humour of the thing"—what
J udge ? The Baron is of opinion that in the well-known advertise-
ment about the Waverley Pen, quoted in a note at p. 25, the correct
order should be, " The Pickwick, the Owl, and the Waverley Pen,"
—not Pickwick last. Did Charles Dickens ever write to Forster
that he was "getting on like a house o' fire" f Surely this should
be a "house a-fire," or "a house on fire"; for a "house o' fire"
means a "house of fire," which is not what the expression is intended
to convey. At p. 51, in a note, Fitz says,
"''Phiz, Whizz, or something of that kind,
was T. Hood's joke." _ Was it ? If so,
where does the joke come in ?

My friend, the late George Rose, better
known as "Arthur Sketchley," used to
say that Dickens took Sa?n Weller from (as
I understood him) a character in one of
O'Keefe's comedies. This statement was
given on the authority of Mr. Bayle Ber-
nard. But I am bound to say I can find
nothing like Sam in O'Keefe's ; but I have
found Dickens there bodily. It is in Sc. 1,
Act I. of Life's Vagaries; or, The Neglected
Son. "'Oh!' exclaims Fanny, 'if my
papa was to see me—oh!' {Seeing Dickens,
runs; he stops her.)" And, oddly enough,
in this edition of 1798, frequently as the
above-mentioned character appears, it is
"on this occasion only" that the name is spelt with an " e."

Mr. Fitzgerald, at p. 136 of this book, says, that an actor named
Sam Vale, appearing as Simon Splatter dash, in a piece called The
Boar ding-House, was in the habit of " interlarding his conversation
with metaphorical illustrations"—and then follow the examples.
The Boarding-House, however, is not by O'Keeee, but, as appears
from a note in Sketches by Boz. was being performed when Dickens's
short tale of The Boarding-House appeared. For my part, I long
ago came to the conclusion that Sam Weller was absolutely an original
creation, as far, that is, as anything outside the immaterial realms
of fancy and fairyland can be an original creation. Our Fitz gives
Calverley's Examination Paper, and also an Oxford imitation of
it, which, however, is not by any means up to the Calverley-Blades
mark. There is also a preface to Pickwick, specially interesting, as
not being found in later editions. Then our Fitz informs us how
many dramatic versions of Pickwick there have been, some with
and some without music, bringing the list down to the latest
"Dramatic Cantata" (it oughtn't to have been so described, as there
was dialogue in it), the music of which will always hold a first place
among the compositions of the Musical Baron's friend claiming to
be the gifted descendant of the Wise and Musical King Solomon.

Altogether a vote of thanks should be presented to Mr. Percy
Fitzgerald for his entertaining, instructive, and most readable book
on the immortal Pickwick, says The Baron de Book-Worms.