Punch: Punch (100.1891)

162

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 4, 1891.

TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION.

Husband [off to Paris). "Don't cry, Darling. It's too sad to leave you, I know!
But you can talk to Me there just as if we were together—only be careful, as
it's Expensive ! "

Wife. " Is it, Darling ? Ha-ha-hadn't you better leave me a few Blank Cheques ?"

TALKING BY TIME.

The growing pressure of the business having
already-obliged the Belgium Postal Authorities
to cut down the time allowed for a telephonic
communication between Paris and Brussels,
from five minutes to three, it is to be presumed
that the rush of public patronage that may be
expected when the wire is opened between
London and the French Capital, will soon
necessitate the substitution, in place of the
promised ten minutes, of an allowance to each
speaker of a minute, or at most a minute and
a half for his interview, which it may con-

fidently be expected will not unfrequently
take the following shape :—

Inexorable Official. Now, Sir; your turn
next.

[Shuts intending London Talker in, and
switches him "on."
London Talker. Dear me! Hew quick
they are, one hardly knows what one is about.
I wonder how loud, now, one ought to speak.
Better shout. Anyhow, I'll try that first.
{At the top of his voice through the tube.)
Hullo! Hi! I say. Are you there F

Paris Listener {replying). Oh! don't bawl
1 like that. Ot course I'm here, I've been

waiting quite half a minute; thought you
were never going to begin. But I suppose it is
Jones I am speaking to ?

London Talker. Oh yes, I'm Jones. It's
all right. But can't you recognise my voice ?

Paris Listener. Not when you bawl fit
to break the drum of one's ear. But come,
now, get on quick with what you want to say.

London Talker. All right—I '11 get on.
But now tell me, do I pitch my voice about
right now ? Can you catch distinctly all I say ?

Paris Listener. Oh yes! Bother! But do
get on. Time6goifast.

London Talker. What ? I didn t catch
that last word. Time's what ? ...—«

Paris Listener {very distinctly, with em-
phasis). I said—that—time—was—gotflg fast.
Can you hear that P

London Talker, Oh yes, I can hear that,
and most distinctly. Really, it is a most
wonderful invention.

Paris Listener. Oh, bother the invention!
Do come to business! What did you want
me for ?

London Talker. Oh, of course. Well, it
was just this. I thought-

Inexorable Official. Time's up, Sir.
Trouble you to make room for this Lady.

[Switches h im " off," and turns him out.

" THAT CON—FOUND!AND DOG!"

Mr. John Bull loquitur:—

"Love me, love my Dog!" Well,' I don't
want to flog
The fine but excitable fellow.
With a nip on his tail e'en a Bull wouldn't fail

To bounce round a bit, and to bellow.
I'd do my square best with the greatest good
will,

If only he 'd—just for a moment—stand still.

Stand still, with a nip like crocodile's grip
On one's caudal appendage ? Ah, just so!

I know 'tis a task that seems too much to ask.
I'm reasonable,—or I trust so.

But there is the Lobster, it's holding on fast,

And—hang it! this state of affairs cannot last!

How came it about ?, That's a matter of
doubt,

Which there isn't much use in discussing,
To part them's my aim; I would manage
that same
Without either fighting or fussing.
Newfoundland or not, there's no dog finds it
nice

To live very long with its tail in a vice I

I want to get near if I can, but, oh dear!

The Dog to my call won't attend. I
Conceive, if he would, it might be for his
good,

I'd hit on some modus Vivendi.
But if Dog won't stand still, and if Lobster

won't loose,
My heartiest help cannot be of much use.

One Androcles bold eased a lion of old
Of a thorn in his foot—a great worry !
But Androcle3, sure, would have failed of a
cure

If poor Leo had kept on the scurry,
As you, my dear Dog, do at present. Verb,
sap. !

Do just let me get at the Lobster, old chap!

While it's fast to your tail, and you wriggle
and wail,

And romp all around, the best master,
And kindest of heart, Dog and Lobster can't
part.

Don't think I deride your disaster!
The pinch of it might make an elephant
prance;

No, all that I ask is—fust give me a chance !