Punch: Punch (100.1891)

April 18, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

191

SWOED YEESUS LANCET!

(An incident in the next War.)
Now," said the Surgeon-Field-Marshal-Command-

ing-in-Chief, as he stood before his men ; " I have the
greatest confidence in yonr skill. There is not one of
you present who cannot perform an operation as success-
fully as myself;" here there was a murmur of polite
denial in the ranks. " Nay, it is no flattery—I mean it.
These are my last instructions. We are few, the enemy
are many. "We are not only'soldiers but medical men.
And as medical men it is our business to cure the wounds
that we inflict in our more strictly military capacity."
Again there was a murmur—this time of cordial approval.
" "Well, Gentlemen, as we have been taught in our drill,
what the first rank breaks, the rear rank must bandage
up. This would be all very well if our numbers were
told by thousands, or even hundreds, instead of tens.
But to-day we must use the bayonet rather than the
lancet, the bullet in preference to the pill." Stealthy
applause followed this observation. "But be careful.
Common humanity calls upon us to do as little damage
as possible. You know your anatomy sufficiently well
to avoid inflicting a wound upon a vital part, and can
so arrange that your blows Bhall incapacitate rather
than functionally derange. And now, my friends, put
your instrument-boxes and pharmacopoeias in your
haversacks, and draw your swords. All ready ? Yes !
Then, ' Up, Guards, and at them I' "

With a wild cheer the Royal Regiment of Physicians
and Surgeons (which had recently been admitted into the
Service on the footing of the Royal Engineers) rushed
forward. It was a beautiful sight to see them performing
the most delicate operations in the kindest manner
imaginable. The* enemy trembled, wavered, and fled.
In a moment the Royal B.egiment had put up their swords
and taken out their medical appliances. Their military
duties done,1 and they were doctors once again, ready to
help those who demanded their semi-civilian services.
They had scarcely been engaged in this manner ten
minutes when the Surgeon-Field-Marshal-Commanding-
in-Chief cantered up to them. " Men," he cried, " drop
your surgical instruments, and draw your swords. The
t nemy are again upon us I We must take their fort I "

In a moment the Royal Regiment was on the march.
On their way, some of their comrades, wounded by the foe
(in a bungling fashion), appealed to them for succour.

"Very sorry," replied the Surgeon-Field-Marshal-
Commanding-in-Chief, in a tone of commiseration; "very sorry
indeed, but we can't attend to you. At this moment we are acting
in our strictly military capacity! " And the Royal Regiment
of Physicians and Surgeons, full of enthusiasm (but in rather loose
formation) continued their march to the fort.

A SWEEPING REFORM.

Crossing Sweeper. " Wot's this here? Wot I do away with the 1 Clean-

your-door-stbp ' hamatoor, and make it a paid purfession i ! why,
s'help me, they 'll be doin' away with me and my broom nex', and
p'raps 'ave the crcssin's swep' by masheenery I yah I"

OUE BOOKING-OFFICE.

Tourmalin18 Time Cheques, drawn on the bank of eccentric
imagination by Anstey-Guthbxe, is well worthy of the author of
Vice Versa. The construction of the story is as artful as it is

artistic, but the Baron cannot give his
reason for this opinion without jeopar-
dising the reader's pleasure. Still the
Baron feels pretty certain that when
the much-amused and greatly-chuck-
ling but diligent and conscientious
peruser of this light-hearted romance
arrives at the last few pages, he will
frown, rub his eyes, refer back to the
i It 9 very commencement of the story,—and

x^^* ,then? Will he bless Anstey and blow
pp Guthrie, or bless Guthrie and blow

■vr. , . Anstey, or will he, being more tickled

mgnt Mare. than ever> rn8h off ^ recommen(i it at

once to [his best friends, anticipating renewed delight from their
pleasure and perplexity ? The Baron wishes that Anstey and Guthrie
had settled between them to call it Tourmalin1 s Time Bargains ; but
it is very likely that if Anstey suggested it, Guthrie rejected it,
or, if the Baron may be permitted to say so without infringement
of copyright, "vice versa." It is a great satisfaction to know that
unlike the Erckmann-Chatrian collaboration, the Anstey-Guthrie
partnership cannot be dissolved. Jekyl-and-Hyde can cease to be,
and Jektl may alone survive ; but the Baron rejoices in the fact of
the mysterious bond between Anstey and Guthrie being indissoluble.
Read Tourmalin''s Time Cheques, and remember the prognostications of

The Baron de Book-Worms.

ESSENCE OE PAELIAMENT.

EXTKACTED FEOM THE DIABY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, April 6.—School reopened after
Easter Holidays. Old Morality duly in his place, but not many
of the boys. Civil Service Estimates on; Plunket in charge on
Ministerial side; Sage of Queen Anne's Gate Leader of Oppo-
sition. Hammered away all night on old familiar lines. Ghosts of
old acquaintances feebly crossed floor, disappearing behind Speaker's
chair. Kensington Palace, with its cost; Bushey House; Cambridge
Cottage; admission to Holyrood Palace ; the deer in Home Park at
Hampton Court; the pheasants in Richmond Park; the frescoes
in House of Lords; the Grille of the Ladies' Gallery • the British
Consular House at Cairo—each came up in turn ; talked about; pro-
tested against ■ explained ; divided upon, and voted. Plunket left
to himself on Treasury Bench ; bore up with unflagging energy and
perennial patience ; has heard same points raised every year since he
was First Commissioner ; has made same replies, and has seen Votes
passed. Long before he was in office same thing used to go on with
other First Commissioners. That was before the Sage had taken to
politics. Good old Rylands— " Preposterous Peter "—was then the
Grand Inquisitor. But it was the same deer, the same gas-bills, the
same question of free residence for " that eminent warrior," as the
Sage to-night called him, the Dook of Cambridge.

Oddly enough, almost only flash of humour through long sitting
came from George Campbell. Gave graphic description of his
hanging about Holyrood Palace hankering after admission. Accord-
ing to existing regulation, admission to be gained only after bang
goes two saxpences. For sixteen years Sir George ever lured
to vicinity ; sometimes casually entered doorway, proposing to loiter
past ticket-collector; stopped by demand of a shilling, had resisted
temptation. That was sad, but what he felt most acutely was
injury done to his nation. Americans visiting Edinburgh on their
way to Paris went to Holyrood: charged a shilling. "Ha! ha!"
they cried, " see these stingy Scotchmen. They charge a shilling
before they throw open their one Palace door, whilst in England
you may roam through the Palaces free of charge."