Punch: Punch (100.1891)

196

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [April 25, 1891,

MODERN TYPES.

[By Mr. Punch's Own Type Writer.)

No. XXY.-THE ADULATED CLERGYMAN.

The Adulated Clergyman possesses many of the genuine qualities
of the domestic cat, in addition to a large stock of the characteristics
which tradition has erroneously assigned to that humble hut mis-
understood animal. Like a cat, he is generally sleek and has become
an adept in the art of ingratiating himself with those who wear
skirts and dispense comforts. Like a cat, too, he has an insinuating
manner; he can purr quite admirably in luxurious surroundings,
and, on the whole, he prefers to attain his objects by a circuitous
method rather than by the bluff and uncompromising directness
which is employed by "dogs and ordinary honest folk of the canine
sort. Moreover, he likes a home, but—here comes the difference—
the homes of others seem to attract and retain him more strongly
than his own. And if it were useful to set out the points of differ-
ence in greater detail, it might be said that the genuine as opposed
to the traditional cat often shows true affection and quite a dignified
resentment of snubs, is never unduly familiar, and makes no pretence

attached to more than one Music-hall, and that, having studied the
life de pres, he knew all its temptations, and was therefore qualified
to speak from experience as to the best means of elevating those who
pursued it, The details of his story, as they fell from the mouth of
the reverend speaker, were highly spiced. "His hearers were amused,
interested, and stirred; and, when a daily newspaper gave a head-
lined account of the speech, with a portrait of the speaker, the
professional fortune of the Adulated Clergyman (for it was he) was
assured.

Shortly afterwards his biography appeared in a series published
in a weekly periodical under the title of Unconventional Clerics,
and he himself wrote a touching letter on "The Plague Spots of
Nova Zembla," in which an eloquent appeal was made for sub-
scriptions on behalf of the inhabitants of that chill and neglected
region. Ladies now began to say to one another: "Have you
heard Mr. So-and-So preach ? Really, not? Oh, you should. He's
so wonderful, so convincing, so unlike all others. You must come
with me next Sunday," and thus gradually he gathered round him
in his remote church a band of faithful women, drawn from the
West End by the fame of his unconventional eloquence. A not too
fastidious critic might, perhaps, have been startled by a note of

of being better than other cats whose coats happen to be of a different > vulgarity in his references to sacred events, as well as by the tone
colour. But it is better, perhaps, at once to consider the Adulated ! of easy and intimate familiarity with which he spoke of those whose
Clergvman in his own person, and not in his points of resemblance to j names are generally mentioned with bated breath, and printed with
or difference from other animals. capital letters ; but the most refined women seemed to find in all this

He who afterwards becomes an Adulated Clergyman has probably ; an additional fascination. His sermons dealt in language which
been a mean and grubby schoolboy, with a wretched but irresistible , was at the same time plain and highly-coloured. He denounced his
inclination to sneak, and to defend himself for so congregation roundly as the meanest of sinners,

doing on principle. It is of course wrong to ^ne women ne was particularly mercdess. He

break rules at school, authority must be respected, j^^^^^k ^re ^° ra£s their little vesture of self-respect,

masters must be obeyed, but it is an honourable ^>Zzi\ shattered their nerves with emotional appeals,

tradition amongst schoolboys that boys who offend ^ harrowed all their feelings, and belaboured them

—since offences mustcome—should owe their con- $ >. ^%^^vSi so violently with prophecies of wrath, that they

sequent punishment to the unassisted efforts of / ^" left church, after shedding gallons of tears and

those who hold rule, rather than to the calcu- W) J§ ; emptying their expiatory purses into the sub-

lating interference of another boy, who, though " ^HiP scription-plate, in a state of pale but pious pulp,

he may have shared the offence, is unwilling to _ 'W In the drawing-rooms, however, to which he

take his proportion of the result. A sneak, there- , |f afterwards resorted, his manner changed. His

fore, has in all ages been invested with a badge of iff^^BSf&L - • voice became soft; he poured oil into the wounds

infamy, which no amount of strictly scholastic Jf /IsSlw ^e ^ad inflicted. "How are you to-day ?" he

success has ever availed to remove from him; j^^^^T^/^^^^S^^^ yf0U^ say> ^ hi8 caressing way. "Is .the

and his fellows, recognising that he has saved his • mgifflg ' / neuralgia any better? And the dulness of

own skin at the expense of theirs, do their best JSg&iaffif' '' "' ^ / '/f/sj\ 8P^r^s '■ ^as meditation prevailed over it? Ah

to make up the difference to him in contempt and m^l§^'ff0t-^/'/vffi^ me ' *8 ^e lot °*' the good to suffer, and silence,

abuse. Schoolboys are not distinguished for a WmM'i' *//M///tffi/6 perhaps, were best." Whereupon he is treated

fastidious reticence. If they dislike, they never :/ Wmp':/A ■{*:',.■ /// ^/■^M/^f/M as a Father Confessor of domestic troubles, and

hesitate to say so, and they have a painfully j' 'Jttf$$ //■//'///'' .■ fM'Zrf*$& persuades young married women that their hus-

downright way of giving reasons for their be- ft'';', BmW'1 " ' '• bands misunderstand them,

haviour, which is apt to jar on a temperament jHE^;;^7^^f Jf^X''- It is unnecessary to add that his subscription-

so sensitive that its owner al ways and only treads , ' W^W' ' '/-:' ■'" ' crV lists flourished, his bazaars prospered, his missions

the path of high principle when self-interest '"' ^ ' and retreats overflowed with feminine money, and

points him in the same direction. his Church was overloaded with floral tributes

The school career of the future pastor was not, therefore, a very
happy one, for at school there are no feeble women to be captivated
by heartrending revelations of a noble nature at war with universal
wickedness, and all but shattered by the assaults of an unfeeling
world. Nor, strange to say, do schoolmasters, as a rule, value the boy
who ranges himself on their side in the eternal war between boys and
masters. However, he proceeded in due time to a University. There
he let it be known that his ultimate destination was the Church, but
he had his own method of qualifying for his profession, He was not
afflicted with the possession of great muscular strength, or of a very
robust health. Neither the river nor the football-field attracted him.
Cricket was a bore, athletic sports were a burden; the rough
manners of the ordinary Undergraduates made him shudder. How-
ever, since at College there are sets of all sorts and sizes, he soon
managed to fashion for himself a little world of effete and mincing
idlers, who adored themselves even more than they worshipped one
another. They drank deep from the well of modern French litera-
ture, and chattered interminably of Richepin, Gut de Maupassant,
Patjl Bouugf.t, and the rest. They themselves were their own
favourite native writers ; but their morbid sonnets, their love-lorn
elegies, their versified mixtures of passion and a quasi-religious
mysticism, were too sacred for print, though they were sometimes
adapted to thin and fluttering airs, and sung to sympathisers in
private. Most of these gentlemen were " ploughed" in their ex-
amination, but the hero of this sketch secured his degree without
honours, and departed to read for the Church.

Soon afterwards he was ordained, was plunged ruthlessly into an
East-End parish, _ and disappeared for a time from view. He
emerged, after an interval of several years. The ocoasion was the
inaugural meeting of a Guild for the Conversion of Music-hall
Artistes, which is to this day spoken of amongst the irreverent as
the Song and Sermon Society. The sensation of the meeting was
caused by the fervent speech of a clergyman, who announced that he
himself had been for some months a professional Variety Singer,

The brutal tribe of men, however, sneered at him, and perversely
suspected his motives ; nor were they reconciled to him when they saw
him relieving the gloom of a generally (so it was understood) ascetic
existence by dining at a smart restaurant with a galaxy of devoted
women, whom he proposed to conduct in person to a theatre. Such,
then, is,or was, the Adulated Clergyman. It is unnecessary to
pursue his career further. Perhaps he quarrelled with his Bishop,
and unfrocked himself; possibly he found himself in a Court of Law,
where an unsympathetic jury recorded a painful verdict against him.

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

My faithful "Co." says he has been reading the latest novel by
"John Strange Wyntek," called, The Other Man's Wife, as the
French would observe, "without pleasure." As a rule he rather
enjoys the works of the Author of Booties Baby, and other stories of a
semi-ladylike semi-military character ; but the newest tale is one too
many for him. The " man " is a mixture of snob and cad,—say " a
snad,"—the "other man" a combination of coward and bully, the
"wife" a worthy mate to both of them. The plot shows traces of hasty
construction, otherwise it i3 difficult to account for the "man's" in-
tense astonishment at inheriting a title from his cousin, and the far-
fetched clearing up of a sensational West-End murder. My " Co."
fancies that the peerage given to the "man," and the vendetta of
the Polish Cotmtess, both introduced rather late in Vol. II., must
have been after-thoughts. However, the end of the story is both
novel and entertaining. The feeble, fickle heroine is made to
marry, as her second husband, the man who (as an accessory after
the fact) has been the murderer of her first! And the best of the
joke is—she does not know it! My "Co." has also been much
amused by a brightly-written Novel, in one volume, called A Bride
from the Bush. Mr. E. W. Hoenung evidently knows his subjeot
well, and has caught the exact tone, or rather nasal twang of our