Punch: Punch (100.1891)

208

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 2, 1891.

MR. PUNCH'S POCKET IBSEN.

{Condensed and Revised Version by Mr. P.'s Own Harmless Ibsenite.)

No. ILL—HEDDA G ABLER.
Act II.

Scene—The cheerful dark Drawing-room. It is afternoon. Hedda
stands loading a revolver in the back Drawing-room.

Hedda [looking out, and shouting). How do you do, Judge?
[Aims at him.) Mind yourself! [_She fires.

Brack [entering). What the devil! Do you usually take pot-shots
at casual visitors ? [Annoyed.

Hedda. Invariably, when they come by the back-garden. It is
my unconventional way of intimating that I am at home. One does
do these things in realistic dramas, you know. And I was only
aiming at the blue sky.

Brack. "Which accounts for the condition of my hat. [Exhibiting
it.) Look here—riddled !

Hedda. Couldn't help myself. I am so horribly bored with Tes-
man. Everlastingly to be with a professional person !

Brack [sympathetically). Oar excellent Tesman is certainly a bit
of a bore. [Looks searchingly at her.) What on earth made you
marry him ?

Hedda. Tired of dancing, my dear, that's all. And then I used

but it's over now. See, we spent a night in that little mountain
village, Tesman and I!

Lovborg. Did you, indeed ? Do you remember that delicious
moment when you threatened to shoot me down—[tenderly)—I do!

Hedda [carelessly). Did I ? I have done that to so many people.
But now all that is past, and you have found the loveliest consola-
tion in dear, good, little Mrs. Elvsted—ah, here she is! [Enter
Mrs. Elvsted.) Now, Thea, sit down and drink up a good glass
of cold punch. Mr. Lovborg is going to have some. If you don't,
Mr. Lovbobg, Geobge and the Judge will think you are afraid of
taking too much if you c nee begin.

Mrs. E. Oh, please, Hedda ! When I've inspired Mr. Lovbobg
so—good gracious ! don't make him drink cold punch !

Hedda. You see, Mr. Lovbobg, our dear little friend can't trust you !

Lovborg. So that is my comrade's faith in me ! [Gloomily.) I '11
show her if I am to be trusted or not. [He drinks a glass of punch.)
Now I '11 go to the Judge's party. I '11 have another glass first.
Tour health, Thea ! So you came up to spy on me, eh ? I '11 drink
the Sheriff's health—everybody's health !

[He tries to get more punch.
Hedda [stopping him). No more now. Tou are going to a party,
remember. [Geobge and Tesman come in from back-room.

Lovborg. Don't be angry, Thea. I was fallen for a moment.
Now I'm up again! (Mrs. E. beams tvith delight). Judge, I'll
come to your party, as you are so pressing, and I '11 read Oeobge my

Tesman to take me home from parties ; and we saw this -zS**^ manuscript all the evening. I '11 do all in my power to

villa ; and I said I liked it, and so did he ; and so we found --wlirfe^ make that party go !

some common ground, and here we are, do you see ! And >-'Mi$k\ s^lk. George. No ? fancy ! that will be amusing!

I loathe Tesman, and I don't even like the villa now; Hedda. There, go away, you wild rollicking creatures!

and I do feel the want of an entertaining companion so I ''^m^T'^vW But Mr. Lovbobg must be back at ten, to take dear Thea

Brack. Try me. Just the kind of three-cornered jKw^f^V'-' home!

arrangement that I like. Let me be the third person in Mrs. E. Oh, goodness, yes ! [In concealed agony.) Mr.

the compartment—[confidentially)—the tried friend, and, fmWS^Il^Sm^ Lovbobg, I shan't go away till you do!

generally speaking, cock of the walk ! W^M'mW^k [ The three men go out laughing merrily ; the Act-drop

Hedda [audibly drawing in her breath). I cannot 1 JS lowered for a minute; when it is raised, it is

resist your polished way of putting things. We will con- dpI'j\ ~ a.m., and Mrs. Elvsted and Hedda are dis-

clude a triple alliance. But hush !—here comes Tesman. lil'^SHt'iil '% covered sitting up, with rugs around them.

[Enter Oeobge, with a number of'books under his arm. l _ Mrs. E. [wearily). Seven in the morning, and Mr.

George. Puff! I am hot, Hrdda. I've been looking mfMIP tillfW$iV Lovbobg not hereto take me home yet! what can he be

into Lovbobg's new book. Wonderfully thoughtful— jBmC^W^If doing?

confound him ! But I must go and dress for your party, jhS&I^^^l? Hedda [yawning). Reading to Tesman, with vine-leaves

Judge. [He goes out. SHmKHo i£L in his hair, I suppose. Perhaps he has got to the third part.

Hedda. I wish I could get Tesman to take to polities, HffilfiragSH^ Mrs. E. Oh, do you really think so, Hedda ? Oh, if I

Judge. Couldn't he be a Cabinet Minister, or something ? ^PIPifHC^^^i could but hope he was doing that !

Brack. H'm ! ''pfflilfllt^^S^Sm Hedda. You silly little ninny ! I should like to scorch

[A short pause: both look at one another, without mm^Wm^m^SB your hair off. Go to bed! [Mrs. E. goes. Enter Oeobge.

speaking. Enter Geobge, m evening dress, with ^BmSmKm^^^ George. I'm. a little late, eh? But we made such a

gloves. '"^IHHpfflr night of it. Fancy! It was most amusing. Ejlebt read

George. It is afternoon, and your party is at half-past jlfwlf "J his book to me—think of that! Astonishing book ! Oh,

seven—but I like to dress early. Fancy that! And I am WM%- A we reauy had great fun! I wish / 'd written it. Pity

expecting Lovbobg, WJ I - I he's so irreclaimable.

[Ejlebt Lovbobg comes in from the hall; he is worn I / Hedda. I suppose you mean he has more of the

and pale, with red patches on his cheek-bones, and Jk I , n courage of life than most people ?

io ears an elegant perfectly new visiting-suit, and [ '/'I/*! j VT George. Good Lord! He had the courage to get more

black gloves. \^ JV^ \ J drunk than most people. But, altogether, it was what you

George. Welcome 1 [Introduces him to Bback.) Listen '"^Pl^c-, might almost call a Bacchanalian orgy. We finished up

—I have got your new book, but I haven't read it through tgJw^Ste by going to have early coffee with some of these jolly

yet. "I am a Norwegian lite- enaPs> aQd P°or old Lovbobg dropped his precious nianu-
Lovborg. You needn't—it's rubbish. [Takes a packet r aryman and peculiarsfiriPt in the mud, and I picked it up—and here it is!

of MSS. out.) This isn't. It's in three parts ; the first '' ' Fancy if anything were to happen to it! He never could

about the civilising forces of the future, the second about the future
of the civilising forces, and the third about the forces of the future
civilisation. I thought I'd read you a little of it this evening ?

Brack and George [hastily). Awfully nice of you—but there's a
little party this evening—so sorry we can't stop ! Won't you come
too ?

Hedda. No, he must stop and read it to me and Mrs. Elvsted
instead.

George. It would never have occurred to me to think of such
clever things ! Are you going to oppose me for the Professorship, eh ?

Lovborg [modestly). No; I shall only triumph over you in the
popular judgment—that's all!

George. Oh, is that all ? Fancy! Let us go into the back
drawing-room and drink cold punch.

Lovborg. Thanks—but I am a reformed character, and have
renounced cold punch—it is poison.

[Geobge and Bback go into the back-room and drink punch,
whilst Hedda shoivs Lovbobg a photograph album in the
front.

Lovborg [slowly, in a low tone). Hedda GablebI how could you

throw yourself away like this!-Oh, is that the Ortlee Group?

Beautiful!——Have you forgotten how we used to sit on the settee
together behind an illustrated paper, and—yes, very picturesque
peaks-1 told you all about how I had been on the loose ?

Hedda. Now, none of that, here ! These are the Dolomites.—Yes,
I remember; it was a beautiful fascinating Norwegian intimacy—

write it again. Wouldn't it be sad, eh ? Don't tell anyone about it.
[He leaves the packet of MSS. on a chair, and rushes out;
Hedda hides the packet as Bback enters.
Brack. Another early call, you see ! My party was such a singu-
larly animated soiree that I haven't undressed all night. Oh, it was
the liveliest affair conceivable ! And, like a true Norwegian host.
I tracked Lovbobg home ; and it is only my duty, as a friend of
the house, and cock of the walk, to take the first opportunity of
telling you that he finished up the evening by coming to mere
loggerheads with a red-haired opera-singer, and being taken off
to the police-station ! You mustn't have him here any more.
Remember our little triple alliance !

Hedda [her smile fading away). You are certainly a dangerous
person—but you must not get a hold over me!

Brack [ambiguously). What an idea! But I might—I am an
insinuating dog. Good morning ! [Goes out.

Lovborg [bursting in, confused and excited). I suppose you've
heard where I've been ?

Hedda [evasively). I heard you had a very jolly party at Judge
Bback's. [Mrs. Elvsted comes in.

Lovborg. It's all over. I don't mean" to do any more work.
I've no use for a companion now, Thea. Go home to your Sheriff !

Mrs. E. [agitated). Never ! I want to be with you when your
book comes out!

Lovborg. It won't come out—I've torn it up ! (Mrs. E. rushes
out, wringing her hands.) Mrs. Tesman, I told her a lie—but no