Punch: Punch (100.1891)

May 9, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 221

(Another shot is heard.) Bless me ! to bring down the poor old cock-

of-the-walk—it's unsportsmanlike !—it's-.

[The table-cloth is violently agitated for a minute, and presently
the curtains open, and Hedda appears.
Hedda (clearly and firmly). 1 've been trying in there to shoot

myself beautifully—but with General Gabler's pistol- (She lifts

the tablecloth, then looks behind the stove and under the sofa.) What!
the accounts of all those everlasting bores settled ? Then my suicide
becomes unnecessary. Yes, I feel the courage of life once more 1

[She goes into the back-room and plays "The Funeral March of
a Marionette" as the Curtain falls.

The End (with the usual apologies).

OPERATIC NOTES.

Monday.—Le Prophete.—Notable performance. Profit to those
who were there ; loss to those who weren't. The two Poles, Ned
and John de Reszee, excellent as
the Tipster, or Prophet, and the
Chief Anabaptist Swindler. Madame
Richard—" ORichard, Oma Heine!"
repeated her grand impersonation of
Fides, but being a trifle "out of it"
as to tune occasionally, I cannot be
Fidti Defensor, and swear she was
quite correct, so can only report that
Richabd was a bit " dicky" ; other-
wise, sings like a Dicky - Bird.
Cathedral Scene magnificent. Rites
are wrong, probably; but these are
trifles, except to strict ritualists.
Skating Scene not up to date; it
was a novelty once upon a time, but rinks have
done for it. There was an unrehearsed effect
in the Prison Scene, when the walls collapsed
—the imprisoned Madame Richabd escaped,
and the Curtain descended. Nobody hurt. The
walls, which had fallen, like those of Jericho,
to the sound of the trumpet, were put away
carefully, for alteration and repairs. The
prisoner, issuing from her narrow fire-escape,
was recaptured, and the Opera ended with the
Drinking Scene, the Prophet among the Peris,
a peri-lous situation, which makes the Opera "J'ysuis."
go, at the climax, "like a house-a-fire." pro Arris et focus
Burns' Justice is done to the Impostor, and,
at a late hour, we call our cabs, and return to hum " beviam"
over " a modest quencher."

Saturday.—Boixo's Mefistofele. Strong combination. Excellent.
But big " waits " made it heavy.

REPARTEE TO A SPOUSE.

Both parties in the recent extraordinary abduction ease, where a
Mrs. Jones was carried off down a rope-ladder at midnight by her
own husband, Mr. Jones, have published statements defending their
own line of conduct. The following is Mrs. Jones's version: —

"As public opinion appears to nave erroneously taken my—so-
called—husband's side, as far as I can gather from my having been
twice chased through the streets by an infuriated mob, and four
separate attempts having been made to blow up my house with
nitro-glycerine, I feel compelled to explain—with much reluctance—
why it was that I declined to live with Mr. Jones.

To begin with, it was only under the most awful threats that Mr.
Jones prevailed on me to become his wife. His words—I remember
them well—were, ' My darling, you know how tenderly I adore you ;
if you don't marry me at once I '11 break every bone in your body ! '
He then snatched my bonnet, a new one, from my head, and so acted
on my nerves that I went off to the Registry Office and was married.
That he was actuated by merely mercenary motives is proved by the
fact that the gratuity (of half-a-crown), which he presented to the
Registry Clerk, he actually borrowed from me !{ I knew him already
to be unprincipled ; but never until that moment had it flashed upon
me that he was & fortune-hunter ! However, as he had the drawing-
room poker with him—he kept it concealed up his back during the
ceremony at the Registry Office—I did not ;at that time say any-
thing, but handed him the coin. I do not know if I should have left
him at once, had he not aggravated the baseness of his conduct by
using the vulgar expression, ' Fork it out quick !' But I regret to
say that his origin is painfully low. Whereas, anybody who con-
sults my relatives will hear from them that they belong to the very
highest County Families. Indeed, he would hear it all day long if
he lived with them, as I do !

" On the day of the abduction, I was treated barbarously ! Even
the cab in which I was taken off was, so the coachman informed me,
' put down to my account.' Oh, had I but guessed the truth about
Mr. Jones when I went to the Altar—I mean the Registry Office !
Supper consisted of cold mutton and pickles (!) which latter he upset,
and I had a dress ruined."

On perusing the above, Mr. Jones decided that he could no longer
keep silence, and has made public the subjoined explanation :—

" When I first saw Mrs. Jones—then Miss Thompson—her youth-
ful grace quite captivated me. Her age was under fifty-six, and
mine was just sixty. She was, in fact, as I told her at the time,
almost old enough to know her own mind. It is true that she was
wealthy, but that had no influence on my conduct. On the contrary
I felt it as a positive drawback, as my domestic ideal has always been
Love in a Cottage! But as she was bent upon our marrying, I
agreed to waive this obj ection.

"In proof of this assertion I need only say that on the very day
after our first meeting, I received the following letter :—

" 'Pbiceless and Adobable Pet,—How are your little tootsy-
wootsicums ? Did they get wet in conducting me home after that
delicious interview ? If so, and you were to catch cold in your

AN AGRICULTURAL TRIPOS.

Preliminary Examination Paper.

1. A Field is ploughed three years running. Can it still have a | precious head, I should never forgive myself. Oh, come and see me

soon ! Your Own, till Death, Angelina.'

shy at its little go ? Examine this, and say all you know about
" Piebs, or Peabs, the Ploughman." Did he use his own soap ?

2. How do you extract the square of a Beet-root ? In connection
with this, say how much it will take to square a " Swede ? "

3. Explain the use of the "Sewing-machine" for agricultural
purposes. What do you mean by " going against the grain ? "

4. You plant a field of corn. What plaster do you adopt when it
begins to shoot ? Also give the best remedy you know for corn in
the ear.

5. Write a Sentimental History of the Harvest Moon. Is it
really twice as big as any other moon, or does it only look so, after
drinking the landlord's health several times over ?

6. To what gourmet giving a dinner-party in January is attributed
the historical saying, " Peas at any price " ?

7. How many black beans will make five white ones ? Given the
number, explain the process, and solve the equation.

8. What pomade do you recommend for " top-dressing " ?

9. What would be an M.P.'s first step towards squaring a circle of
Agricultural Voters ?

Sad Sxobt.—A painter, who had on several occasions aspired to a
place in the Chantrey Collection, and invariably been refused, on
being encouraged to launch a fresh venture, and spread his canvas,
which would be soon filled, for a sale, replied, dejectedly, "Chantrey
be blowed ; I shan't try any more ! " Poor fellow ! He must indeed
have been bad. He has not been heard of Bince. The Serpentine
has been dragged.

The Hansom Cab Stbike ! — Remarkable Conversion! I Not
yet concluded I Last week another lot of Hansoms became Growlers.

"Possibly I may be blamed for publishing this letter. I do it for
her sake, not for mine. Even now I believe that, were I left alone
with her for an hour, with none of her relatives nor a policeman
near, I could persuade her to retract her calumnious statement about
the poker. I conclude by saying that it is my belief that her relatives,
who are all of them powerful mesmerists, have hypnotised her ! "

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

My Face is My Fortune, by Messrs. Philips and Fendalx.
Why don't they agree to spell both names with an " F," and make
it Fillips and Fendall. _ I fancy that Fendaxl couldn't do without
the sensational fillips. This story excites curiosity throughout the first
volume, and then, in the other volume, satisfies it in so disappointing
and commonplace a fashion as to suggest the idea that one of the
authors, becoming weary of his share in the work, suddenly chucked
it up, and said, "Oh, bother I let's finish anyhow;" and then the
other collaborateur, whichever it was, did finish it as best and as
quickly as he could. There is evidence of laziness or of lack of in-
vention in the story. If it were for the first time in fiction that a
secret is learnt by some one hiding behind some pantomime plants
in a conservatory, then too much praise could not be bestowed on
the ingenious devisers of so strong and original a situation. Bat
as " we know that situation,—he comes from Sheffield," and as it
has done duty some scores of times before, on or off the stage,
why, the thoroughgoing novel-reader shakes his head and asks,
" Couldn't they have devised something better than this between
them ?" "I expected much from this combination in Authorship,
and am disappointed," says the candid Babon de Book-Wobms.