Punch: Punch (100.1891)

May 9, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 225

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FEOM THE DIAET OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, April 27.—" Well, I never ! " said
Geobge Elliot, beaming on House from back bench ; have known

Habcoubt man and boy for forty
years; seen him in divers moods ;
watched him through various
occupations. These have been so
many that I have had time to
forget he was once Chancellor of
the Exchequer ; but he was, and
upon my word, listening to him
to-night, and knowing something
about figures myself, I believe
he would have made a splash at
the Treasury."

Joexm doesn't enjoy performance
quite so much as Genial Geoege.
Oddly enough, Budget Night,
which ought to be the apex of com-
fort and glory for Chancellob of
the Exchequer, is with him ever
the season of tribulation. House
of Commons is, regarded as audi-
ence, always at its best on Budget
Night. Will laugh immoderately
at feeblest joke uttered by Chan-
Genial George. cellob ; cheers to the echo his

moral sentiments ; sits enraptured when he soars into eloquence ; and
is undisguisedly grateful when he has completed his peroration.
Joeim's muddle of Thursday night made the best of. Opposition
silenced by promised legislation establishing Free Education. Every-
thing in sunshine-glow of prosperity. Thought Joeim might keep
some of the sunbeams for himself. Then comes Habcoubt with the
abhorred shears of facts and figures, and slits the thin-spun web of
Joeim's ingenious fancy; shows that, instead of a surplus, he has,
when honest arithmetic is set to work, a deficit; instead of increasing
the rate of reduction of National Debt, he has done less in that
direction than his predecessors ; and that whilst expenditure on Army
and Navy has exceeded any figures reached by former Chancellors of
the Exchequer, the floating debt is ever growing.

Jokim sits on Treasury Bench affecting the virtue of a smile
though he has it not. Wriggles like a snail under dispensation of
salt. When Habcoubt finished, Henby Fowleb stepped in, and
with fresh array of figures and new marshalling of argument, com-
pleted the demolition of Joeim's system of finance. Mr. G. looked
Btnilingly on, delighting in the energy and aptitude of his Young
Men. Joeim, anxious to change the subject on any terms, tried to
draw Mr. G. into the controversy. " I think not," said Mr. G., with
a smile of ineffable sweetness. " Right Hon. Gentleman need not go
so far afield ; will have pretty tough job in answering Habcoubt."

A pretty scene ; admirable Parliamentary play. Oddly enough
boxes empty; stalls a wilderness ; pit only half full. Energies of
House so sapped with dreary flood of talk on Irish Land Bill cannot
be reanimated even for a brisk battle over the Budget.
Business done.—Joeim pummelled to pulp.

Tuesday.—Old Mobality walked out of House just now, his back
suffused with sense of duty done, alike to Queen and. Country.
Irish Land Bill, which, as Campbell-Bannebman says, makes a
Moated Grange of House of Commons, on again all day. Sage of
Queen Ahne's Gate and his Party active as usual. The Pabty a
little doubtful of the Sage. Sometimes, in blessed intervals of
silence, is discovered gazing on a bald space on back of Sage's head,
striving, as it were, to pierce through this weak spot, and discover
what is in the Sage's mind. The Sage in outward, manner most
deferential and encouraging. Misses no opportunity of publicly
applauding him. It is true that when the Sage has got him on his
legs, starting afresh on new Amendment, he seizes the opportunity
to slink out of the House, and take another cigarette, quite certain
that the Pabtx is good for half-an-hour. This, and one or two
other little things, create a suspicion in the mind of the Pabtt, who
was not brought up in India for nothing. Wilfbid Lawson, who
sits close by, and keenly watches progress of events, says he has no
doubt the time will come when the Pabtt will revolt.

"keat,"says Wilfbid, "occupies a strategical position, which
gives him a great pull over Labby. His respected Leader sits on the
bench immediately below him. Some day Seymour Keay's wild
Mahratta blood may boil over, an unsuspected scimitar may flash
forth from his trouser pocket, and the Sage's head, falling gory on
the floor of the House, may gently, from mere force of habit, roll
in the direction of Queen Anne's Gate."

''For a real sanguinary-minded man, said Ritchie, to whom I
told this story, " give me a teetotaller."

The Pabty, with some assistance froia Windbag Sexton, wasted

sitting till quarter to seven. By this time, all Amendments to
Clause 3 being wearily worn off, opportunity just left to pass Clause
before Sitting adjourned. Question put that Clause 3 pass. Then
Sage, smelling obtrusively of cigarettes, interposed, and declared it
" would be indecent" to accept the Clause without further discus-
sion. Nothing House shrinks from just now more abjectly than
from charge of indecency. Accordingly debate stood over, and
Thursday may, if the Sage and his Party please, and the Closure is
not invoked, be appropriated for further discussion of Clause 3.

Old Mobality might have moved Closure at twelve minutes to
seven, and carried Clause 3. Committee naturally expected he would.
But Old Mobality had another card up his sleeve. At very last
moment, whilst Members trooped out, and it was thought all was
over, Old Mobality gave notice of motion to take the whole time of
House, including Tuesday and Friday nights' evening sittings.

"I think you had them there," I said, as we walked across to
Grosvenor Place.

"Yes, Toby," he said, a little flush mantling his modest face;
"we've given them rope enough, and now we'll hang them.
They've had their run, now we '11 take ours. It's the main thing I
always look to. Never forget when I was still in the seminary
writing out copy of verses about a shipwreck. A graphic scene ; the
riven vessel, the raging seas, the panic-stricken crowd on deck, and
then this little self-drawn picture of the sole survivor, the one man
left to tell the story :

Some fell upon their bended knees But I fell to on bread and cheese ;
And others fell down fainting, For that, Sir, was the main thing.

It's the bread and cheese I look to, Toby, dear boy. For others the
glory of debate, the prize of Parliamentary oratory. Give me the
bread and cheese of seeing business advancing, and I'm content."
Business done.—Once more Committee on Irish Land Bill.

Thursday,—A pretty little game on to-night. Old Mobality
moved his Resolution taking power to appropriate Tuesdays and
Fridays evening sittings, and all Wednesdays for Irish Land Bill.
In ordinary circumstances there would have been stormy protest led
from Front Opposition Bench against this inroad on time of private
Members. Other fish to fry to-night. Wednesday week assigned
for Second Reading of Woman's Suffrage Bill; if Government take
that day for Irish Land Bill, obviously can't be utilised for further-
ance of Woman's Rights. This an awkward question for some
Members; don't like it, but daren't vote against it. Here's oppor-
tunity of getting rid of it by side-wind. Not necessary in arranging
proceedings to mention Suffrage Bill, or even Wednesday, 13 th of
May. It was principle for which Members struggled; "the prin-
ciple of uniformity," as Mr. G. beautifully put it. "Let us," he
said, though perhaps not quite in this phrase, " go the whole hog or
none ; take all the Wednesdays, or leave them."

Pretty to see Old Mobality protesting against this unprecedented
access of generosity. The very picture, as McEwan said, of a good
man struggling with the adversity of overwhelming good fortune.
Was prepared to take a Wednesday here and there : but, really, too
much to appropriate every one. " Not at all— not at all," said Mr. G.

But it was only under compulsion of a Division that he consented
to accept the endowment. In meanwhile, the Woman's Suffrage
Debate on Wednesday week snuffed out, and final opportunity of
Session lost.

" I'm inclined," said War. Woodall, "as a rule, to take kindly
views of my fellow men, to put the best construction upon their
actions ; but, upon my word, I'm not satisfied in my own mind that
we advocates of Woman's Eights have not been made the victims of
deep and dastardly design."

"Order! Order!" said Coubtney ; " no more am I."

Business done.—Woman's Rights men dished.

Friday.—Brer Fox looked ,in_ to-night, and, finding Brer Rabbit
absent, undertook charge of Irish affairs. Desirous of introducing
novelty into situation, began by patronising Prince Abthdb. "So
conciliatory, you know; so anxious to meet the views of Irish
Members ; really, they ought to meet him half-way, and refrain
from annoying him by unnecessary Amendments."

Brer Fox's voice faltered as he spoke, and, bringing round his
tail, he gently brushed away a falling tear. Unfortunately for
him, Tim Healy present. Tim jumped up, and fell upon his
ancient chief, flouting his counsel, and repudiating his right to
leadership. Effect upon Brer Fox something like that which
followed on the flight of the piece of old red sandstone which struck
in the abdomen a gentleman who chanced to be standing round.
The subsequent proceedings interested him no more. He walked
out, and was not seen again. "Exceedingly rude man," he said;
" never come near Tim Healy but I feel an infinite yearning for a
fire-escape." Business done.—Land Bill again.

"Mobe Fbee than Welcome."—Mb. Goschen's Education
Scheme, to the Tories.

A Reclmsnt of "the Line."—The Royal Academicians.