Punch: Punch (100.1891)

232

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 16, 1891J

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, May 4.—Windbag Sexton had fine
opportunity to-night; made the most of it. Seymour Keay absent
through greater part of sitting:. Various rumours current in explana-
tion of the happy eccident. Influenza hinted
at; but Grand Young Gardner, who is
familiar with both, says Grippe much too
knowing to link itself with Member for
Elgin and Nairn. Towards Eleven o'Clock,
rumour set at rest by appearance of Keay.
Simple explanation of temporary absence is,
that he has been at home, drawing up a few
more Amendments.

In his absence, Windbag had it all to
himself. How many speeches he has made
through the dreary sitting am afraid to
reckon up. Members going off to write let-
ters, smoke a cigar, read evening papers, or
dine, leave him on his legs, with one hand
in pocket, and smile of serene satisfaction on
face, prosing on. Coming back, they find
him still in same position, apparently saying
same thing. Has lately developed new ora-
torical charm. Constantly repeats his sen-
tences, word for word. Everybody cleared
out, even Mr. G., and John Morley. Only
Prince Arthur left languorous on Treasury
Bench.

"Drooping like a lily out of water,"
McEwan says. Not that he's given to tropes
of the kind ; but, being lately at a wedding
feast smothered in flowers, some of them have
at,wan. ^ ^Q ^g conversation.

Business done. — In Committee on Irish Land Bill, but no forrader.

Tuesday.—" Do you think I ought to wear spurs, Toby ? "
It was Old Morality who spoke. We were in his room at House;
ust torn ourselves away from Committee on Irish Land Bill, where,
at the moment, oddly enough Sexton chanced to be speaking. Old
Morality has been made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports, and is
trying on his uniform. Rather piratical arrangement ;*hlue cloth
coat with large
brass buttons,
red sash
round his
waist, with
holster thrust
in it, con-
taining the
horse - pistol
with which
Pitt armed
himself when
he sat at the
window of
Walmer Cas-
tle, looking
across the
Channel, mo-
mentarily
expecting to
discover
Boney cross-
ing in a flat-
bottomed boat.
The trousers
are of scarlet,
with broad
braid of gold
lace on outer
seams. Finally
there is a
truculent
cocked hat,
which Old
Morality
persists in
putting on

with the peak W. H. Smith in his new character ss Warden of the Cinque
astarn. The 1>orts and Constable of Dover Castle,

dress is picturesque, and Old Morality's figure lends itself to it with
peculiar grace and fitness.

" I fancy Wellington wore spurs," the Lord Warden persisted.

Yes, I point.'out; but Pitt didn't, nor did Palmebston. Anyhow

just as well not to begin with spurs. Might in time grow up to them,
as it were.

Wanted the Lord Warden to enter House in his uniform: sadly in
need of sensation. One would certainly be provided if Old Morality
were discovered sitting on Treasury Bench in his present costume.

" No," he said, " they would think I was going to move or second
the Address. Should like to get used to the clothes a little before
appearing in them in public places."

So go back to House myself, leaving the Lord Warden marching
up and down, making believe he is on the ramparts at Walmer.
Oddly enough, when I arrive Windbag Sfxton making a speech, the
few Members present talking about Old Morality's promotion. A
dangerous epoch in a man's life. People apt just then to discover all
kinds of shortcomings, and reasons why the promotion should have
fallen elsewhere. But no one grudges Old Morality this high and
ancient honour ; a fresh chapter in the pleasant story of "Mr. Smith,"
a new " Part of His Life." For five years he has sat on the Treasury
Bench in succession to Disraeli and lGladstone ; now he will
answer for the safety of the Cinqae Ports in'succession to Pitt and
Wellington, Dalhousie and Palxerston. Business done.—Old
Morality made Lord Warden of the Cinque Ports.

Thursday.—" Tay Pay also among the Gentlemen of England ! "
exclaimed Sage oe Queen Anne's Gate, for once almost moved out
of his customary self-possession. It certainly seems so. Came
about on Second Reading of London Tramways Bill; promoters
want to bring tramway over Westminster Bridge, and along Embank-
ment. Demos desires to go about his business on the tramway, and
does not see why he should be arbitrarily stopped before he has
accomplished his journey. Carriage folk say, No; let Demos and
his penny tram stop at other side of the water, leaving the broad
thoroughfare of the Embankment for what Radcliffe Cooke called
" the gilded chariot."

Debate gone forward for some time. No one expected to find
Tay Pay in this Galley. Since his return from Ameriky hasn't
opened his voice in debate; spoken in public only once. That
was to his constituents in Scotland Road, Liverpool; announced with
portentous blast in advance that then and there the anxious world
should learn what side he took in the leadership controversy. Others
had declared themselves, whether for Brer Fox or Brer Rabbit. The
momentous issue of Tay Pay's decision required further deliberation.
So all the world had to wait till Tay Pay SBTTh^
came home and saw his constituents. JoEv^s^
Result not altogether satisfactory. A3 4js§l§Pf
Tim Healy put it, "Tay Pay showed ' I *
disposition to hunt with Brer Fox and run
with Brer Rabbit." If in the end Brer ^\ i/ 1
Fox won, nothing in Tay Pay's Scotland
Road speech need prevent him returning \
to his allegiance. If Brer Fox remained /fj^ff" j
under a cloud, he could jog along with fj^t'i'^/o'/^m
Brer Rabbit. Been careful not to spoil lf§^j& % fa
the little game by taking part in debate in |

Now, on this London Tramways Bill, j- .' ^v^'Jp^V
which touches neither Brer Fox nor Brer
Rabbit, Tay Pay interposes. Conserva- \& ^Ifpvt^wA
tives snort impatiently when he rises ; cry 'W; ^'^''tfyfflk.
aloud for division; take it for granted \& ;;j
that Tay Pay will back up Demos's demand W'7 .-i^^<^'^^^>
for equal right of way. But Tay Pay has ^ \fc >JJp^
genuine little surprise in store; is loftilv J--^ \k / ^

contemptuous of tramways, doncha. If \\.^MS^'^
they cross the bridge and approach the 7^-^11^ raMbla
precincts of the West End, what is to \\
become of carriage-folk? " A noisy and ). ,;

inconvenient system of locomotion," said A*^fj5|'( "'•
Tay Pay, shuddering with disgust, as CJ^<c^^-h£
though he heard a coarse voice crying ^sg^gl
"Fares, please 1 "

House roared with laughter ; Radcliffe Demos.
Cooke talked about opposition " coming from Members who hoped to
ride in gilded coaches " ; Cremer rudely reminded Tay Pay that ten
or fifteen years ago, he would have taken a very different view of the
convenience of tramway cars. This wasn't pleasant; but when the
Division bell rang, Tay Pay had the satisfaction of walking, alone
amongst his Party, with the Gentlemen of England, triumphantly/vin-
dicating the rights of carriage-folk against tramway trabs. Long time
since House of Commons witnessed a scene so rich as this in material
for reflection. Business done.—Tay Pay declares against trams.

Friday.—Attendance on House gradually diminishing ; what with
influenza, and Irish Land Bill in Committee, Members gradually
thinning off. No M.P. complete without his influenza. Barks shall
not be out of anything if its humble, but conscientious Member can
manage it; so I've '' took " the influenza, or the influenza's " took "
me. Don't exactly know how it came about. Anyhow, we're in bed
together. Business done.—Don't know anything about it.