Punch: Punch (100.1891)

Mat 23, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 251

IN A LOCK.-A WHITSUNTIDE WARBLE.

"Lock! Lock! "-Shock! Rock! That's a pretty

frock bulging over the gunwale!
She looks like to choke with that horrible smoke, which

is fuming out of the Steam-Launch funnel.
Pleasant old cry! All in, and dry, though we're

awfully crowded this first Spring holiday,
Better this than St. Stephen's dead-lock! Our serious

Senators out for a jolly day
Might do worse. Who carries the purse ? That ten-
foot rod with the toll -net ending it
Means a hint. They must make "a mint"; and, by

Jove, there are many worse ways of spending it,—
Money, I mean. Now were G-sch-n seen collecting cash

for his dry Exchequer [up his financial pecker

With pole and net, it were nicer, you bet, than keeping
With Spirit Duties! Those two blonde beauties in

Cambridge blue are exceeding bonny ;
B-lf-e now at that same boat's bow would be quite in

his element—eh, my sonny ?
And Old Morality cooling his legs in the stern-sheets

yonder would find the steering [T-m H-lt jeering.
Easier far than amidst the jar of St. Stephen's, hot with
S-l-8B-by, too, with a well-trained crew, would put his

back—that broad back of his !—in it.
Don't be in a hurry, my nautical friend! we shall all

get out in another minute.
Just like life! Such fidgety strife to be first to the

front when the lock-gates sever.
What does it matter, friends, after all ? The slow, the

skilful, the dull, the clever,
The snake-swift "swell" and the splashing 'Abet, the

puffing launch, and the trim outrigger,
The calm canoest who hugs the timbers, the fussy punter

who toils like a nigger,
All will anon be well out in the cutting, the old gates

shutting slowly behind them,
And where are those who so shoved to the front ? At

the tail of the race you may presently find them.
The G. 0. M. (with his collars for sails), that jaunty

skiff might be handling. Bless us !
Can he take holiday, he whom toil seems to en coil like

a shirt of Nessus ? [C-nn-ngh-m Gb-h-m,

Well, Unioni'*< or Separatist, or chap with a twist like
Or howling Pat, or Aristocrat with manners like Bbum-

mel and voice like Bbaham,
Peppery G-sch-n, or pompous H-ec-bt, or genial

Sm-th, the new-made Warden,
All, all, to-day, when the world is gay, the stream like

silver, the banks a garden,
Much worse might do than tog up in blue and join a

crew on the rolling river, [personal, leaving " liver,"
"Beyond the tide," dropping all their " side," party or
And Influenza," and other "Obstructions," all party-
jobbers, all jibbers and jolters,
In sunny weather to crowd together in Moulsey Lock, or

it might be Boulteb's !

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DLARY OF TOBY, M.P.

The Kennel, Barks, Friday, May 15.—This entry in
Diary is dated from my ancestral home, pleasantly situated
in the County I have the honour to represent. Haven't
been to Westminster this week. Hear, through usual
channels of information, that House adjourns to-day for
Whitsun Recess. When I say House, I mean fragment
that remains; a few doors and chimneys, with here and
there a ruined wing. Pact is, majority absent with
influenza. Some seventy or eighty of us have formed
House of our own • meet regularly at usual hour; get
through business m a way that would astonish the
residuum left at Westminster ; and jog off comfortably
for dinner. All Parties and all sections of Party
represented. Speakee and Chairman of Committees still
stick to Westminster. But we have Gobst, one of the
Deputy-Speakers, who presides with dignity and despatch.
Jackson looks after arrangement of business. Akebs-
Douglas whips up the Conservatives, assisted by Sydney
Hebbebt and Abthub Hill. Thomas Esmonds brings
up to the scratch Tanneb, Swift MacNelll, and Plebce
Mahony. On Treasury Bench Michael Beach sits in
place of Old Moeality, being supported by Geobgie
Hamilton, Stuabt Wobtley, and James Febgusson,

ELEMENTARY INSTRUCTION IN COOKERY.

Young Lady. "And now, Jane, what's the next Thing to do, after
putting the Meat and Potatoes in the Stewpan ?"
Village Girl. " Please, Miss, wash the Baby ! "

whilst Knutsfobd and Debby look down from Peers' Gallery. On Front Oppo-
sition Bench Mr. G., just arrived; finds John Mobley, O&bobne ap Mobgan,
ELiy-Shhttlewobth, and Mundella. Wolmeb not yet arrived, but daily
expected. Meanwhile John Lubbock, Muntz, T. W. Russell, and the Wiwa-
cious Wiggin here, ready to obey the Whip, when issued.

Chables Foesteb looks after petitions for us; Fbakk Lockwood draws us
out (or in, as the case may be) ; Algebkon Bobthwick throws an air of fashion-
able society around us; the Reverberating Colomb lifts his tall head in our midst;
Isaac Holden never tires of telling the fascinating story of how he discovered
the lucifer-matoh ; Hennikeb Heaton passes the time writing letters to Raikes,
and complains that the Postmaster-General has his communications ostentatiously
fumigated before opening them; Seymour Keay says he must get back to West-
minster (nobody says him nay), or Land Bill would be getting passed through
Committee; and here is the Grand Young Gardner and his wife — Lady
Wintered, of course, looking down on us from Ladies' Gallery.

Have on the whole a very good time. Looked after by Rustem Roose, whose
cure is as alluring as it is infallible. "Eat, drink and sleep," he says. " Lie
on your back and sedulously do nothing." So whilst they storm and fret at
Westminster, here, in hollow Lotos Land we live and lie reclining. Pleasant to
hear Rustem Roose's voice as he goes his morning rounds, stethoscope in hand.
"A long breath, dear friend : say '74; Pommery, certaiuly if you like ; a pint at
luncheon and. a roast chicken. Turn over, dear friend; another long breath ;
say '80; de Lanson, of course, if you prefer it; a pint at dinner with a fried sole
and a porterhouse steak ; or, if you are tired of champagne, take a pint of claret
with a glass or two of port. A long breath, dear friend ; say '50; three glasses
of '50 port won't do you any harm."

Worst of it is we 're all getting better, and shall be back to the grind at
Westminster after Whitsuntide. Business done.—All taking long breaths.

The Dis-Obdeb of the Day.—In the House of Commons on the Motion of
the First Lord of the Treasury, it was resolved that Influenza, M.P., be expelled.
Mr. Campbell-Bannebman, Leader of the Opposition, pro tern., moved to amend
the Resolution by adding "at once." This was agreed to nem. con. The
Serjeant-at-Arms was thereupon ordered to remove Influenza. He declined on
the ground that if he did he might catch it. After some conversation the debate
was adjourned. Influenza left sitting on Members generally.—Extract from the
Fifteenth of May's Parliamentary Report.