Punch: Punch (100.1891)

May so, 1891.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 261

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IT'S A GREAT THING FOR A MAN TO KNOW WHEN HE'S WELL OFF.

Salisbury's Version.

(See the Premier's Speech at Glasgow.)

War is a game
Which, if Kings have their will,
Peoples won't play at.

" French as She is Spoke." —
The indefatigable international en-
trepreneur, Mr. M. L. Mates,—who
announces himself as " SoleManager,"
evidently, therefore, a fishmonger,
and, according to Hamlet, a repre-
sentatively "honest man,"—intends
to save Londoners the trouble and
expense of visiting Paris by giving
them three weeks, from June 15th to
July 4th. of French plays, performed
by the Theatre Francais Company,
including Mesdames Reichoberg
and Dudley, three Coquelins, one
Febvbe, and one Mounet Sully, at
the Royalty Theatre. Those whose
hobby is the French Theatre, will be
delighted to assist at the start of the
well-trained Mayer, whohas achieved
the curious feat of "saddling him-
self " with this responsibility.

Parliamentary Diagnosis.—
" Inflammation " — of temper — is
the preliminary of "Congestion"
— of business, and these threaten
to culminate in "Collapse"—of
credit.

LEAVES FROM A CANDIDATE'S DIARY.

May 13th.—Expenses keep mounting up. On Saturday received
a letter from Blissop (Secretary of the Association), stating that it
was deemed necessary to take a new Committee-room in Main Street,
and asking me if they might draw on me for the cost of furnishing
it, a matter of about £15. Replied that I must take time to consider
whether such expenditure was proper. Three more charitable institu-
tions claim me as an annual subscriber, and the Billsbury Free Hos-
pital Committee have informed me that Chcbson always gives them
£10 a year. Have had to do ditto.

May \Wh.—Had an extraordinary letter from Vllliamy this
morning. He is staying at Billsbury—but the letter explains itself.
Here it is:—

My Dear Pattle, (Confidential.)

I am asked to let you know that a Committee Meeting has
been called for Friday 16th, and it is hoped that, at all costs, you
will make it convenient to attend. Tou know how great an interest
I have always taken in your career. I have always told you that
any experience I may have gained in electioneering matters (and I
have been at it for about twenty years now) is entirely at your
service. Tou will therefore forgive me if I speak quite frankly to
you on some questions which intimately concern your Candidature.
I don't meet you as of ten as I should wish, and I am therefore im-
pelled to write to you on matters which require your serious conside-
ration, and on which you ought to be prepared to make a definite
statement on Friday next. I have used the opportunity of my stay
here to see how the land lay with regard to you. Hitherto you
have done very well, but mere public meetings will not win an elec-
tion, and you must make up your mind ere very long to come and
stay here, so as to canvass each ward, under the guidance of the
proper " officers."

Then there is the question' of money ! The Registration must be
paid for by the Candidate. It will be heavy this year. Tou can
talk it over with the Committee, but certainly £100 to £150 will be
absolutely necessary. Whatever the sum is, you must be prepared
to pay it. I trust you will excuse my being candid with you, both
for your own sake and the Party's. If £200 or £300 more or less is
any object to you, and if you (or your friends) are not prepared to
do certain things, such as bringing up voters, &e., it is useless your
hoping to win. I don't suggest bribery and corruption, but certain
things not immoral, though perhaps illegal, must be done. That is
why I once suggested to you that someone from here should have an
interview with some friend who might represent you. Tou did not
respond to this. Tou do not appear willing to be guided by your
Committee even in the expenditure of £15 for chairs and tables for
your new Committee-room ; and I must repeat that such excessive

caution will not be followed by success. Tou will only waste your
time, and the Party here will be defeated. If you do not feel willing
to be guided by the old Leaders of the Party here, who know what is
needed, far better reconsider your position, and resign while there is
yet time.

Now, in addition to your legal election expenses (between £500 and
£600), there will be the Registration which, however, is a permissible
payment. But, above all, railway fares, conveyances, and sundry
other expenses which are forbidden by the Act, must be met by your
friends, or success is hopeless. Toung Harrison is standing at
Chursneld. His father intends him to win, and he will see to the
needful 1 ! That is the way to work it, and to win. Tou must be
prepared to pay at least £150 (or to get someone to pay it for you) for
sundries. Even thus your expenditure will not reach £1000 ; dirt
cheap for a safe borough. Formerly a borough contest used to mean
£3,000, and a county anything up to £50,000 !

I know you will believe me when I say that I have written entirely
in your own interest. Tours sincerely,

Henry Parkinson Yulliamy.

What an old rascal! I answered very shortly, merely stating my
intention of coming to Billsbury on the 16th, in order to interview
the Committee. I must nip all this in the bad, or chuck the whole
business.

Friday, May l&th, " George Hotel," Billsbury— Came down to
Billsbury this afternoon. Had interview with a delegation from the
Committee in the Hotel. Moffat, Blissop, and Jerram were there.
They laid their views before me._ Much the same as Vulliamy's
letter. "Shame to wreck the ship for want of a ha'porth of tar,"
said Blissop. " Gentlemen," I said, "if you think I'm going to
handle any of this tar, or do any dirty work, you are mistaken. I
am willing to help in the Registration and to pay proper subscriptions,
but I won't budge a step outside the Corrupt Practices Act, so far as
my election expenses are concerned. If you want someone who will
make illegal payments, go somewhere else. I'm quite willing to
resign. Now you know my opinion, and I leave you to confer with
your colleagues." With that I left them. Met them again two
hours later. All three looking thoroughly ashamed of themselves.
Said they had reconsidered the matter, and begged me to think no
more about it. They were determined, they said, to use only legal
means in fighting the election. So that blew over. Afterwards each of
them came to me in private, to beg my pardon, and put the fault on
the others. Moffat said it was Blissop, Blissop declared it was
Jerram, and Jebraii swore that such a thing would never have
entered his mind if Moffat hadn't insisted on it.

Wrote to Vulliamy that I found he had entirely misjudged the
local feeling, and that, in any case, his suggestions were quite im-
practicable. He '11 detest me, but I don't care a brass farthing.