Punch: Punch (100.1891)

288

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[June 13, 1891.

Punctually at that hour, a solitary pedestrian might have been
observed, walking up the floor of the historic Chamber. A flowing gown
hid, without entirely concealing, his graceful figure ; a full-bottomed
wig crowned his stately head, as the everlasting snows veil the lofty
heights of the Himalayas. He looked neither to the right hand nor
to the left, but with swinging stride strode forward. At the end of
the Chamber stood the Throne of England, on which, in days gone
by, Harcourt's Plantagenet fathers sat, and in which some day—
who knows ?—the portly frame of him who now proudly bears the
humble title, Squire of Malwood, may recline.

But that is another story. The gowned-and-wigged figure ob-
served walking up the floor of the House of Lords at half-past five
on a June evening, was not making for the Throne. Before that
piece of furniture stood a bench, in appearance something like the

familiar ottoman of the suburban
drawing-room. It was the Wool-
sack, and the svelte figure, swing-
ing towards it with the easy stride
of superlative grace and compara-
tive youth, was the Lobd High
Chancellor ! Before him, at re-
spectful distance, went his Purse-
bearer, ready to produce the where-
withal should his Lordship desire
a pick-me-up by the way. Behind
him came the Mace-bearer, and, a
foot further in the rear, Black Rod.

Odsfakins ! a stately procession,
which ought to have been set in
the centre of an admiring multi-
tude. But the Lord Chancellor's
springy footfall echoed through an
almost empty chamber. Denman
was faithful at his post, ready to
move that some Bill be read a
Second Time on that day nine
months. Here and there, on widely
severed benches, perched a Peer,
Accommodated with a Seat." wMlgt from the GalieTy> where he

had been accommodated with a seat, the smiling mobile face of Mr.
Justice Day peered forth. He had just looked in on his way home
from the Courts, interested in a scene where some day he may take
his place as Brother Brahavell and Brother Coleridge have done.

The keen eyes of the great Lord Chancellor flashed round the
chilling scene. Clerk at the table mumbled something about
Provisional Orders.

" Those that are of that opinion say ' Content,' " observed the Lord
Chancellor. _ "Contrary, 'Not Content;' the Contents have it.
This House will now adjourn."

Then uprose the Lord High Chancellor, and with the same
stately swinging step, moved towards the
doorway, with the Purse-bearer, the Mace-
bearer, and Black Rod in his train. It
was twenty-five minutes to Six ; full five
minutes had elapsed since the House of
Lords met. Now House of Lords had ad-
journed, and the throbbing pulses of an
Empire on which the sun never sets beat
with steadier motion, knowing that all
was well. Business done.—House of Lords
adjourned.

Thursday— Rather a painful scene just
now between Prince Arthur and the
Squire of Malvtood. T. W.
Russell proposed new Clause
on Irish Land Bill, which
provided for reinstatement of
evicted tenants; received with
general applause, and finally
agreed to. In the midst of
general congratulations and
shaking hands, the Squire
lounged in, and with many
back-handed slaps at the
Government, added his ap-
proval to the general chorus.
The Ministry were hopelessly
bad, but this clause, though
proposed by a supporter of
theirs, was moderately good.

" Singular thing," said
Prince Arthur, in meditative
tone, as if he were talking to himself, "that the Right Hon. Gen-
tleman can never interfere in debate, however far removed the
subject may be from the arena of Party Politics, without forthwith
dragging it into the arena."

"That," said Baleour, Q,.C, who chanced to be on the Front
Opposition Bench, " is a striking example of the misapprehension under
which acute minds occasionally labour. I have known my Right
Hon. friend for many years ; we have sat on this Bench together in
Opposition, and have worked in the same Ministry, and I confess it
is a little shocking to me to hear him accused of tendency to enter
upon controversial topics. I am myself a man of peace, and do not
readily assume an attitude of reproof ; but, as Mr. Henry Arthur
Wilson said when he stood over the improvised Baccarat-table with
a piece of chalk in his hand, the line must be drawn somewhere, and
I am inclined to rule it at the place where my friend Harcourt is
accused of wilfully and designedly disturbing the Parliamentary
peace." Business done.—Still on the Land Bill.

Friday Night.— Still grinding away at the report stage of Land
Bill; don't get any forrader ; been at it a week, and to-night just as
many Amendments on the paper as there were on Monday. All
night upon a single new Clause. Everybody wearied to death.
Even Windbag Sexton a little moody ; not had such a good night
as usual ; the debate lasting throughout sitting, and, there being
only one Motion before the House, Sexton (with the Speaker in the
Chair) could speak only once; that he did, at considerable length.
But a poor consolation for lost opportunity.

Congratulated the suffering Speaker on this accident; pointed out
to him things were bad enough ; but might be worse.

" I suppose, Toby," he said, "you never read Prior? Haven't
looked him up for many years ; but, sitting here through this week,
there is one couplet—from his Solomon, I think—ever running
through my mind : —

' Abra was ready ere I called her name ;
And, though I call'd another, Abra came.'
Just like Sexton."

Business done.— One Clause added to Land Bill.

" GREY APES OF AGE."
" Grey hair is fashionable for the youthful,"
Says a Mode oracle acknowledged truthful.
Strange that Society should have a rage
For that anomaly—artificial Age !
Dust on their heads our pretty women toss,
Just to deprive it of its pristine gloss.
Make ashen-white your eyebrows, there, and lashes,
Precocious hags ! The world's but dust and ashes.
Wrinkles and crowsfeet next must have their turn
(To limn them in let toilette artists learn),
Then make each belle bald, scraggy-necked and toothless,
Grey hair alone won't make Society youthless.
Let belles turn beldams if they find it jolly,
But they might be consistent in their folly !

Musical, Theatrical, and Judicial.—The Daily Telegraph,
quoting from the Middlesex County Ti?nes, last Saturday, stated
that, " The Lord Chancellor had added the name of Mr.
W. S. Gilbert, Poet arid Dramatist, to the Commission of the
Peace for the County of Middlesex.'''' So is it said that another
" W. S.," one William Shakspeare—who, by the way, also had a
Gilbert in the family—was, in his latter years, made a J.P."
Mr. William Shakspeare Gilbert—if he will kindly allow us so to
style him, as uniting the qualities of poet and dramatist—should
receive a special and. peculiar title. Let him, then, be henceforth
known as "The Poetic Justice of the Piece."

THE "HIRED PRIEST."
[Mr. Gladstone says, "If the priest is to live, he must beg, earn, or steal.'']

Now, here's a needy Vicar ; who will hire him ? He can preach,
Can confute a host of infidels and crush them with a text.

If a Sunday school is started, he's the very man to teach,
If you snub him he may hate it, but he'll never show he's vexed.

He can spend his days in visiting the alleys and the slums,

And support his own existence, and his family's, on crumbs.

Come, come, Sir, you are generous. What! eighty pounds a year ?

It's a fortune for a Ticar ; I am sure he won't refuse.
Why it's sixteen hundred shillings, he will take it, never fear ;

For though priests are scarcely beggars, yet they can't afford to
He hasn't got a single vice ; I'11 guarantee him sound, [choose.
And he '11 make a crown go farther than an ordinary pound.

And here we have a Bishop ; we don't do things by halves ;

He requires a roomy palace, he is sturdy, stout and tall. _
You can have him as he stands, Sir, with his gaiters and his calves;

Five thousand hires the Bishop, apron, appetite and all.
What? You much prefer the Vicar with his collar and his tie ?
And you'd rather pay him extra? Here's your health, Sir; so
would I.

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