Punch: Punch (100.1891)

Jt^-b 27, 1891.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

309

OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.

Brereton—the last pair seeming to come in like the " two pretty

"KNOWLEDGE IS INVALUABLE ! men" of nursery history, 'yclept "Robin and Richard." The

o__™, r> . ; n ■ ■ s 4i v 4 n • great organ oannot be played without Eyre and bellows. The Can-

Commission of the Future. Commissioners present, * ^ mugical is AvGVST Manns, or more appro-

Last 71lines* under examination. ^ priately, June Manns. Motto.-" Manns wantsI but little here

Chairman. And now, my lad, you have learned everything. below, but he wants that uncommonly good"—and more than good

Witness {modestly). Yes, my Lord and Gentlemen, up to a certain it is safe to be in the hands of the Conductor whose name is indica-

point. j tive of quantity and quality. Salvete, Homines 1

Chairman. Quite so—you have, generally speaking, an education ! .

rather better than an average City Clerk ?

Witness {in the same modest tone). So I am given to understand.
Chairman. What is your father ?

Witness. An artisan. But pardon me, I think I can anticipate
and answer the next question. I am entirely unfit to follow my
parent's calling—physically and morally. My frame has been
weakened by study, and my education prevents-.

Chairman {interrupting). Just so. We can hardly expect a lad
of fourteen who is good enough to floor the London matriculation
taking to bricklaying ?
{Murmurs of general
assent.) Well, my boy,
have you tried to get
a clerkship ?

Witness. Alas! yes,
indeed I have, my
Lord and Gentlemen.
I have tried every-
where to obtain em-
ployment, but without
success.

Chairman {sympa-
thetically). Dear me!
Yery sad ! But come,
my lad, we have given
you something more
than an ordinary com-
mercial education —
you have acquired
accomplishments.

Witness. Yes, my
Lord and Gentlemen;
but, believe me, they
are valueless. I am
an excellent violinist,
but there is no room
for me at the theatres.
It is true I might, by
paying my footing,
secure a place in a
strolling band, conT
sisting of a harp and
a cornet, but 1 have
conscientious scruples
against earnings
gained at the doors of
a public-house.

Chairman. Cer -
tainly. Besides, I
fancy you make too
light of the difficul-
ties of securing such a
position. A Witness,

who gave very much the same evidence as yourself, declared it was
impossible to gain admission even to a German Band. But you have
learned drawing ?

A SCIENTIFIC CENTENARY.

Faraday {returned). "Well, Miss Science, I heabtilt congratulate you ; you hate
made Marvellous Progress since my Time!"

The Baron is getting along with George Meredith's One of Our
Conquerors. Within the last three weeks he has already reached
p. 94 of Yol. L, and here the weather, having suddenly become
tropical, the Baron felt that his mighty brain "whirled, swam to a
giddiness, and subsided." He has been stopped occasionally en
route; he had come into view of " the diminutive marble cavalier of
--the infantile cerebel-
lum." Then he re-
traced his steps, puz-
zled a bit, but after a
" modest quencher "
Swivellerian libation,
he hit upon a lumi-
nous passage which
warned him " in plain
speech"—and whose
is plainer than Geobge
Meredith's ?—" that
the Bacchus of aus-
picious birth induces
ever to the worship of
the loftier Deities."
Excellent i' faith!
And then the Baron
smole, as one who is
interiorly enlightened
smileth as he read,
"Forbear to come
hauling up examples
of malarious men "—
("' ' malarious men' is
good," quoth the
Baron) — "in whom
these pourings of the
golden rays of life
breed fogs; and be
moved, since you are
scarcely under an obli-
gation to hunt the
meaning"—(here the
Baron wondered
within himself. Was
he under an obligation
or not ? In foro con-
scientice the case was
set down for that im-
mortal date, "To-
morrow")—" in toler-
ance of some dithy-
ra?nbic inebriety of

narration {quiverings of the reverent pen) when we find ourselves
entering the circle of a most magnetic popularity." Here the Baron
paused. Somehow, in his search after truth, he had fallen down

Witness. Yes; but I find the accomplishment valueless as a ; some seventy pages, and was on his back again at p. 33, Yol. I.
bread-winner. I would do pastels on the flag-stones were not the ' Refreshment was necessary. Iced. Also a Wicotinian sacrifice, as
supply of artists in this particular line greatly in excess of the ! of primitive days, when heifers, adorned, not altars, but weeds,

demand. Besides, the police move them on.

Chairman, Well, my lad, what can you do for yourself ?

Witness. Nothing ; and consequently, my Lord and Gentlemen, I
hope you will do something for me.

Chairman {after consuttation with his colleagues). As you have
been educated up to a point rendering you valueless at fourteen, we
shall have much pleasure in recommending that your studies be
continued until your education will be equally valueless at nineteen.
If this scheme does nothing else, it will keep you employed for the
next five years I [Scene closes in upon the Report,

ORATORIO, AS HANDLED AT THE CP.

The Tenth Triennial Handel Festival, Programme extends over
three days, Monday, to-day the 24th. and Friday the 26th. The
singers are Madame Albani, Miss Marian McKeszie, Messrs.
Santley, Edward Lloyd, Barton McGuckin, Bridson, and

vegetables, and early produce only. Smokeamus ! Veni, vidi, visky !
'Fore George ! Your health and novel!

The Baron de Book-Worms.

AS EASY AS A B C."

Witness of the Labour Commission {under examination). Yes, I
think that employers should be forced by law to give in to their men.

Question. But should this lead to bankruptcy, what then ?

Witness. Bankruptcy should be legally abolished.

Question. Should employers have no money to pay the employed ?

Witness. That duty should be discharged by the Government.

Question. But how should the loss be supplied—by the imposition
of new taxes ?

Witness. Certainly not. Taxation should be entirely abolished.
Questim. Then how could your scheme be carried out ?
Witness {courteously). That is a matter I leave entirely to the
discretion of the Government.