Punch: Punch (101.1891)

16

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 11, 1891.

and the brilliant things I saw—far more brilliant than even the
witticisms of Wolffy, or the sarcasms of Arthur B ! Into my sack
go thousands of diamonds ! The sack is full! Aladdin and the
Lamp not in it with me ! " Hallo ! " shouts a voice, gruffly. I could
see no one. " Vox et prceterea nil," as we used to say at Eton. Sud-
denly I felt myself collared. I made a gallant attempt at resistance.
A_ spade is a spade I know, but what is a spade and one against twenty
with pistols and daggers, headed by the redoubtable Filliblusterer
Thomas Tiddler himself ? " Strip him ! " said T. T., shortly,

Will you believe that the only way in which in this country they
arrive at implicitly believing every word you utter, is by denuding
you of all your clothes, so as to get at the naked truth, holding you

up by the heels for the purpose of shaking the diamonds out of you,

in case any are concealed in your hair, mouth, ears, eyes and so forth.

" He has diamonds on the brain ! " I hear some ruffian exclaim,

and in another second-

#**#**

"Well—what happened I cannot tell you: I must have fainted.
When I came to myself I was lying by the chair in which I had
been previously sitting when listening to the Captain's reading, and
bending over me with a glass of water in his hand, was the faithful
and clever Doctor whose companionship on this voyage of discovery
I am daily and hourly learning to appreciate at its proper value. I
fancy the ship's crew were round about me, with the Engineer and
the Chaplain. I feel inclined to say, "Hardy, Hardy, kiss me,
Hardy!" and then something about "Tell them at home "—but
the words stick in my throat, as they did in Macbeth's throat (only
they were other words) when he was on his throat-sticking expedition.
(Little Sbakspearian reference thrown in here, and no extra charge.)

" How many of these has he had ?" I hear the Doctor say, and 1
perceived that he was holding up an empty tumbler. I should like
to explain that, as we were engaged in composition, there had been
' composing draughts.' I fancy I caught the tone of the Clever
Captain's voice in reply, but the next minute I felt myself being
lifted up and carried oft. I wished to tell them of my strange adven-
ture, and how I had barely escaped with my life, but somehow
drowsiness overcame me, and I must have fallen asleep.

Business as before.

To-day I sit down to write out this strange story. Once I asked the
Cautious Captain and the Doubting Doctor " if they had seen any-
thing of my pickaxe and the sack of diamonds." But they only smiled
at one another, elevated their eyebrows, then winked, and laughed.

What is their little game ?

No matter. I will lie low. My motto is '' Diamonds are

trumps." I'm not here as Aladdin for nothing. "Aha!" as

the old melodramatic villain used to say, " a time will come! No

mattar! " ~

Bather Currie-ous !

I don't know whether it is owing to my voyage in a Donald
Gurexe steamer—'twas the first opportunity that ever I had of
tasting a Donald Clrrie, and excellent it is, as of course, was all our

the kudos of it, not one little bit)—or to the change of air, but I am
bound to say openly that I do think the Gr.O.M. has been right about
most things, especially about Majuba (who was Pa Jura? Send this
to Drummy Wolffy), and—well, I shall have more to say on this
subject. If this meets the eye of anv friendly person, will he
kindly remember me to my Uncle? Thanks. That'$]the ticket.
More anon. /] '

ROBERT ON THE HEMPERER'S WISIT TO THE CITY.

The pore owerworked Committee has gone and got thereselves into
a nice mess, and all by their kindness in wanting to let as many
people as possibel see the grate show on Eriday. They has acshallv
bin and ordered a grate bilding with rows of seats,' out in Gildhall
Yard, enuff to hold about a thousand Ladies and Gentlemen, all in
their best close, with capital views of ewerybody and ewerythink,
and now they are told that it won't be posserbel not to give em nothing
to heat or to drink, tho' they must set there quite quiet for at least
three hours ! I wunder what they will all think of Copperashun
Horspitality after that!

I'm told as one werry respectable but ancient Deputy acshallv
surgested, that after the Hemperer and Hempress and their sweet had
all gone home, all the whole thousand starving wisitors should be
turned into Gildhall and allowed to eat and drink all the fragments
as was left. Yes, Mr. Deputy, all wery kind and thortful of you as
regards the harf-starved wisitors, but how about us Waiters ? You,
with all your experience, ewidentally don't knowthewallyof what such
eminent SweUs as Hemperers and Hempresses leaves on their plates,
and the skrambel for 'em drectly as they leaves. Wrhy, I have
acshally seen with my'own estonished eyes, a lady, after enquiring
of me which chair a sutten elustreous person had set in, stoop down
and kiss its harm, wich was nex to kissin his hand, and then give
harf-a-crown for harf a happel as was left on the plate ! Ah, that's
what I calls true loyalty, and werry much it is admired by all of us.

I hunderstands as the Government, wanting to estonish the Hem-
perer, has lent the City a reglar army of troops to stand on both sides
of the Streets from Buckinham Pallis all the way to Gildhall. And in
case the estonishing site shood make him feel just a leetle dazed, the
jolly old Copperashun has bin and gone and hired no less than three
Millingterry Bands of Music to play to him, and cheer him up.

There was a talk of engaging aU the many German Bands, as
makes our streets so musical, to give the Hemperer a serrynade at
Lunch ; but Mr. West Hill, of the Gildhall Skool of Music, thort
it might be too much for His Madjesty's feelinx, so thehighdear was
given up. I werily bleeves that of aU the many anxious buzzoms
as is a beating with suppressed emotion for next Eriday, the carmest
and the all serenest of the lot is that of Robert.

"A BOOK OF BURLESQUE."

A Volume most welcome on table or desk

Is Davenport Adams's Book of Burlesque.

He deals with the subject from earliest days,

To modern examples and Gaiety plays.

Wre've extracts from Planche and Gilbert to hand,

With puns ta'en from Byron and jokes from Burnand.

There's fun at your asking wherever you look,

And not a dull page you '11 declare in the book.

You '11 find it delightful, for no one Macadams

The road of the reader like Davenport Adams.

Liberty and Licence.—It is said that The Maske of Flowers
would never have drawn gold on Monday last to the coffers of that
excellent charity, the Convalescent Home at Westgatc-on-Sea had
not one of the Prominent Performers consented to become the
responsible and actual Manager of the "Theatre Royal, Inner
Temple." By the terms of his licence he was bound, amongst other
things, to see that no smoking was permitted in the auditorium,
no exhibition of wild beasts was allowed on the premises, and no
hanging took place from the flies. It is satisfactory to learn (that,
in spite of many Benchers being present) none of these_ wholesome
regulations were infringed. It is true that the Music of the Maske
was duly executed, but then this painful operation was conducted
(by Mr. Prendergast) from the floor of the building, and not from
its roof. Thus the orders of the Lord Chamberlain were strictly
observed by a Barrister, who can now claim to have been Manager
of a genuine Temple of the Drama.

A Reminder.—Mr. Edmund B. V. Christian, in Baily's Maga-
zine, quoted by the P. M. G. last Thursday, complains " that cricket,
the most popular of games, fills so smaU a space in literature. Does
board" on board—(send this joke to Wtolffy—he '11 work it up j he forget that Charles Dickens devoted one entire Christmas .Book

and make a real improinptu sparkler of it—and I don't grudge him to The Cricket on the Hearth f