Punch: Punch (101.1891)

96

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 22, 1891.

UNDER THE SCREW.

{By a Liberal M. P.)

On, where shall I go, and what shall I do ?

Turn which way I will, I am under the screw.

Every Yoter must feel a tight clutch on the throat

Of my conscience—poor thing !—ere he '11 promise his vote

Pat late was my patron,—'twas only his fun!

Now he 's " three single gentlemen" not rolled in one.

There's Parnell, Macakthy, and Saunderson ! Phew!

If I partly please one, I make foemen of two.

Hang Ireland ! And Scotland is getting as bad.

The S. H. R. A. will insist on their fad ; ["squeeze."

And their plan, too, is '' pressure i " It's just nought but

And the poor M.P.'s life is one long " Little-Ease."

Taffy too takes his turn at the merciless rack,

And there isn't a faddist, fanatic, or quack

But has his own Screw, which he wants to apply.

The Temperance Man " Direct Veto" woidd try,

And if I'm not found to accept it with glee,

He's vicious, and puts direct veto on me.

Ungenerous hot Anti-Jennerites claim

My vote against vaccine, or howl at my name ;

The Working-Man wants his Eight Hours, or, by Jingo,

He '11 give me—at polling—particular stingo.

The Socialist wants me to do with the Land

A—well, a dashed something I can't understand;

The Financial Reformer, 'tis little he "axes,"

He only requires me to take off all taxes !

And now, with the General Election in view,

I'm dashed if a poor M.P. knows what to do.

How to live on the rack is a regular poser.

By Jove, I 'm half tempted to turn a—Primroser !

The soft " Primrose Path" may conduct to the fire,

But 'tis easy at least, and of Screwing I tire!

TOO FREE TO EE EASY.

Scene—Exterior of a Board School. Enter r. and l.
well-meaning Philanthropist and long-headed Artisan.
The]/ greet one another with differing degrees of
cordiality.

Philanthropist (heartily). Ah, ni5rgood friend, and how
are you taking advantage of this great boon—the enormous
privilege of free education ?

Artisan (doggedly). By not sending my lad to school.

Phil, (ivith pained astonishment). You surprise me.

Art. I don't see why I should.. I'm only following
Sawnie's lead. It's what they did in Scotland. They
gave them free education, and that's the way to read it,
and a good way too !

Phil. Well, at least you ought to be grateful.

Art. Grateful! Grateful for what?

Phil. Why, for free education—for education, you
know, that costs you nought.

Art. Oh, it costs nought, does it? Then thank you for
nothing ! [Exeunt—in very different directions .'

MUSIC EOR THE PARLIAMENTARY MILLION.

Mr. Farmer-Atkinson, M.P., has announced that during the Recess he
will deliver political addresses interspersed with songs and music. To assist him
we have prepared a specimen " utterance," which, for the sake of convenience,
we have thrown into a dramatic form.

Enter Mr. Farmer,-Atkinson, M.P., ivith an assortment of musical instruments
which he places on a table in front of him. Immense applause, during ichich
the Hon. Gentleman picks up a Cornet and plays a solo. Enthusiam.

3Ir. Farmer-Atkinson (bowing after recovering from his exertions). Ladies
and Gentlemen. (Hear, hear!) Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen, for your
cordial reception. (Applause.) And you must know, Ladies and Gentlemen, that
although I have given you a solo on the cornet, I did not visit this flourishing
town (cheers), this highly civilised town (renewed applause), this model town
(hearty cheering), with the intention of blowing my own trumpet. (Hepauses—
silence.) Don't you understand? I did not want to blow my own trumpet—
joke, see ? (A laugh.) Thank you! And now about the Irish Question. Well
everybody harps upon it. So will I. " Come back to Erin." (Plays and
sings the touching melody—a harp accompaniment—applause.) Thank you!
And now about the Triple Alliance. Well, I think I can illustrate that, both
musically and politically. Triple means three. Well, I will take this drum on
my back, beating it with the sticks that are bound to my shoulders; then I
will apply my mouth to this set of pipes, while I beat a triangle with my hands.
There! (Plays the musical instruments simultaneously—applause.) Thank
you! You see I get some sort of music. A little unattractive possibly ("No '.
no.'"), but still sufficiently pleasing to elicit your admiration. ("Hear, hear!")
Thank you ! Well, this effect reminds me of the Triple Alliance. We may
take the drum to represent Italy, the set of pipes Germany, always fond of
making a shrill noise, and the triangle will ably represent Austria. See ?
(Great applause.) And now I am very unwilling to weary you further.
(" No, no.'") Thank you! But I myself have an appointment which I must
keep, so therefore, I must conclude my entertainment—I should say speech.
Otherwise you would grow weary of me ? ("No, no.'") Thank you! But
before bidding you good-bye, I must sing you one more song that I think will
please everybody. It is called "Home Sweet Home." (Thunders of applause.)
And now 1 will just get the right key and fire away. (He tunes up harp, and
prepares to play.) And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, silence please, while I
sin? the most touching song in my repertoire. (Sings ivith immense feeling,
" Home, Sweet Home") Now then, Ladies and Gentlemen, chorus, please—

" Home, sweet home !
Where'er we wander,
There 's no place like ho—o—o—ome ! "
{The chorus is repeated as Mr. Farmer-Atkinson disappears behind a
curtain on the platform, and the audience fade away.

A PENNY ERENCH—TWOPENCE BRITISH.

(A Fragment from a Romance of the G. P. 0.)

The youth, without a moment's hesitation, dashed manfully into the sea.
He was watched by the excited spectators, who cheered him as he breasted
the waves that beat against the head of the
Admiralty Pier. It must, indeed, have been a
great prize in view that could have caused such a
aring feat. That was the thought of the old
Coast-guardsman, as he watched the lad (he was
scarcely more than a boy) as he took stroke after
stroke for Calais. Now he rested on the back of a
treacherous porpoise that soon cast him away.

"Will the steamboat lend him a helping hand,
or rather rope?" muttered the veteran salt, as
he watched the seemingly fragile figure of the

swimmer. "Ah, by Neptune! weU done! Strike me flat with a lubberly
marling-spike, but a kindly act indeed!

The action that had extorted the admiration of the aged seaman was a rope
that had been thrown over the steamboat's bulwarks. The now weary swimmer
gratefully accepted the boon. It saved his life.

"Will you pay the difference, and come on board, young Sir?" asked the
Captain of the packet, facetiously.

"Were it not that I am very'poor," gasped out the tired and shivering lad,
I should not have undertaken this gigantic but necessary task."_
He held on bravely, and in good time the coast of France was sighted, neared,
and reached. Although as cold as stone, owing to the exposure to the waves,
nhe swimmer was now refreshed. He threw away the rope, and once more struck
out.

" Adieu ! " he cried to the crew of the steamboat. " I can finish the rest of
'lie distance without assistance."

He was as good as his word. Soon he was standing on French ground buying
a post-card for India.

"And why have you come in this strange fashion?" asked an aged mis-
sionary of British extraction.

The weary lad replied in a faint voice, "Because at Calais a post-card to
India costs a penny, at Dover twopence ! Yet both posts surely are conveyed
by the same mail. By swimming from Dover to Calais I have saved a penny ! "
And as he recorded this undoubted fact he fainted.

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