Punch (37.1859)

August G, 1859.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

61

the coarse and material mind, “that’s different. A waistcoat is a
thing—cloth, buttons, thread—a song’s only a noise.” Well, let us
concede that the tailor cannot understand us, and let us take a dentist.
Suppose he has pulled out a tooth so neatly for a guinea that Mr. Punch,
patient, insists on having a second pulled out without extra pay.
Come, if a song is only a noise, an extraction is only a pull. “But
that would be dishonest, he has been learning for years to pull out
teeth, then there are his name and reputation, and his time.” Granted,
and that Mr. Punch would be a swindler, in the case of the waistcoat
or of the tooth. What of the singer ? Has he not been learning for
years to get out the high note that delights you. Are his name and
reputation less valuable than the dentist’s ? Is his time less valuable F

The fact is, painful as it is to declare it, that everybody who attempts
to enforce (mind, we don’t say anything against a complimentary
request) a second performance of what has already been given, is a
person who is endeavouring to procure a valuable thing without paying
or intending to pay for it. The name the lawyers call such a person
hath been given above. When this is thoroughly understood, and that
a “ peremptory encore ” means a forcible theft, we shall have no more
•such disgraceful scenes as that at the Surrey Hall.

Meantime Mr. Punch appends, with much approbation, the following
passage from the excellent remarks of his contemporary, the Daily
Telegraph, upon the whole business :—•

“ Singers have too long been oppressed by the tyranny of encores and the almost
brutal exigence of musical audiences, a d it is time that artists should make a bold
stand, and emancipate themselves fr. m an intolerable thraldom. The ‘general
decree’ of five thousand persons cannot be permitted to force a man to ruin the
finest voice that has been heard for years.”

If it were the most worthless, instead of the finest, the argument
would be just the same. No audience has a right to dictate in the
matter. If the singer chooses to oblige people with a repetition, well
and good; but if he declines, the audience ought to apologise for
having asked what was unreasonable. The days of “kyind patrons,”
and “ generous benefactors,” are gone by, the artist is on a perfect
equality with his audience, and gives them the fruits of his skill in
exchange for their money. Let him be on the best of friendly terms
with them, but let us have no sneaking submission on his part, no
insolent patronage on theirs. And so, bravo and farewell, Mu. Sms
Reeves, and may the shadow of your moustache never be less.

MEDICINE AND MORALITY.

In no other country is so much medicine drank as in England.
When the Teetotallers have put down the drinking of spirits, they
must direct their attention to the putting down of the enormous con-
sumption of medicine, and try to put that down; for. in our opinion,
the one habit is just as pernicious as the other, and in its nauseous
time has perhaps killed nearly as many. The drug-shop is almost as
■destructive an agent as the public-house; and where you find the one,
you may be pretty sure that the other is not very far off. A Medicine
Pledge is fearfully wanted. It seems that the duty paid on patent
medicines during the last year amounted to £13,090 14s. 1 \d. Now,
the duty on every box of magic ointment, or vial of infallible elixir,
■amounts, we believe, to three-halfpence, which sum will enable the
■reader to calculate for himself the exact number of draughts and pills
that were consumed in patent medicines alone by the medicine-taking
•community in the course of one year.

In strong contrast to the above, the sum remitted during the same
period to the Chancel con oe the Exchequer, as “ conscience-
money,” amounted to £3,015 95. There seems to be a great deal of
medicine to very little conscience ! The nation is evidently fonder of
the former than the latter; or are we generously to take the smallness
■of the conscience-money as a complimentary tribute to the virtues of
the people- The English lead such a virtuous, exemplary life, that
their consciences are perfectly easy and at rest, and they have nothing
to reproach themselves with, or pay for, on that score. Viewed by this
becoming light, the Englishman’s love of medicine is only equalled by
his love of morality.

One question more, and we have done. We are carious to know
how much the above quacks, who sold the £43,000 worth of pills, con-
tributed to the £3,000 of conscience-money ?

“ Go into a Back Room.”

Magistrate s Speech to Me. Babbage.

Mr. Babbage’s Calculating Machine has at last proved a failure.
He went home from the Police Court, the other day, and endeavoured
4*0 calculate the thickness of the skull of the Magistrate, who, being
asked to relieve him of the intolerable nuisance of a gang of street
musicians, did the magisterial best to aid the ruffians in driving Mr.
Babbage from his chamber of study. The Machine is unable to register
•so great a number of inches. However, it can set down a portion, and
the sum is Brought-on.

OUR VIVID VISCOUNT.

Viscount Williams uttered one of his best things in a debate on
Supply the other night. In reference to retiring pensions, he said he
had observed that “ when persons retired from ill health they usually
lived a good many years.” “Of course they do, Williams,” said
Mr. Tom Duncombe. “If they retire from ill health, they necessarily
approach good health.” The Viscount could not see this for a very
long time, but at last dimly apprehending Thomas’s meaning, he said
it was “a subtlety worthy of Ignoramus Loyalist who invented
Jesuits.”

INSURE TOUR MEMBERS’ LIVES!

We really think, when a constituency elects a man for Parliament,
the least thing they could do for him would be to insure his life, and
at their own expense to keep up the insurance. Considering the
dangers of the service he performs for them, they ought to take steps
at the outset for providing for his family. “ Leave health behind, all
ye who enter here,” may now fairly be the motto for the House of
Commons’ doorway; and something clearly should be done for the
doomed ones who pass through it. If country sceptics have a doubt
of the perils which are nightly undergone by their M.P.’s, let them
hear what Mr. Ayrton has said upon the subject, and then own them-
selves converted to our Christian way of thinking:—

“ Mr. Ayrton called attention to the outrageous system of ventilation. Some-
times when the House was exceedingly warm, very cold air was pumped in at the
feet of hon. members This drove the blood to the head, and produced headaches
(a laugh), which often compelled him and others to leave the House. Then, recently,
the most abominable odours had been pumped in through the holes and slits at
their feet. The smell of the chloride of lime which was used was pleasant enough ;
but at other times the uncorrected atmosphere of the Thames was wafted through
the floor, and then the effect was dreadful indeed. (Hear, hear.)

Unfeeling minds there may be, which are pity-proof, and will in no
one whit be moved by sorrow at this story. Still coarser minds there
may be, wherein the statement will awaken, not sympathy, but
sarcasm, and whence the question will arise, as to whether the “ cold-
air” pumps be half as great a nuisance as the many greater “pumps”
upon whose feet the air is pumped. And there is, besides, a climax of
brutality attained by those who choose to moot the savage point, as
to whether the production of a headache by iced air be half as likely
to occur as its production by iced drink. Eor onr own part, we
should scorn to make such mean insinuations; and our benevolence
inclines us to conclude as we commenced, by suggesting that each
Member should have his life insured, against the Thames and other
evils which each Members’ flesh is heir to.