Punch (37.1859)

?

November 5, 1859.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 189


RIFLING THE QUEEN’S ENGLISH.

he following incident, oc-
curred at the inauguration
dinner given to the Hal-
lamshire Bides, which we
take from the Sheffield
Daily Telegraph:—■

“ The 4th and 3rd companies
having, in obedience to the
order of their commanding
officers, left 'he ante room and
takf-n their seats in the hall,
the order, 1 Second company,
in single file,’ was given, and
it was somewhat amusing to
see the manner in which they
obeyed the ordi-r, going not in
‘single file,’ but in a higgledy-
piggledy sort of fashion, twos-
threes, fours, and all in dis-
order. The civilians were the
only persons remaining, and
presently a moustached young
gentleman presented himself,
and with the utmost sang
froid, delivered himself as fol-
lows :—‘ If any of yo want
bout to ate yo’d better goo
in.’ ”

This is quite a new style
of announcing that “din-
ner is ready.” If all the
toasts were given out in a
similar style, the banquet must have been exceedingly rich. We should say that a
toastmaster was sadly wanted at Sheffield. That high-mettled town,—whose
mettle never shines to so much advantage as when displayed in a case of bene-
volence or charity,— can seemingly supply capital knives and forks for a public
dinner, but its English, if measured by the above specimen, was, we should say,
a little too blunt. It might beneficially undergo an extra polish or two, before it
is again introduced at table ; or else Mr. Punch will certainly “ goo in,” and. send
Sheffield down a sample of his most cutting articles, such as not all the grinders
and polishers of the place shall be able to surpass for finish, brilliancy, sharpness,
and good temper.

FASHIONABLE ANTHEM.

Long live our gracious Queen,
Who w'on’t wear Crinoline,

Long live the Queen !

May her example spread,

Broad skirts be narrowed,

Long trains be shortened;

Long live the Queen !

O storm of scorn arise.

Scatter Erench fooleries,

And make them pall.

Confound t hose hoops and things.
Frustrate those horrid springs,

And India rubber rings,

Deuce take them all!

May dresses flaunting wide
Fine figures cease to hide;

Let feet be seen;

Girls to good taste return,

Paris flash modes unlearn,

No more catch fire and burn.
Thanks to the Queen !

Answer to a Correspondent, who signs Himself
a Contributor to “ Notes and Queries.”—No, Sir,
it may be true that “ half a loaf is better than none,” but
then the same principle does not hold good with regard to
a Bank-note. Half a Bank-note is of no value whatever, as
you will find to your cost, until you can find the accom-
panying half to match it, and so, like a matrimonial match,
to make the two into one. Once for all, we wish to impress
upon you, for fear you should be writing again, that most
decidedly “ half a Bank-note is not better than none.”—
Punch.

I

-j

THE OLD CLOTHES LINE.

1

The subjoined are portions of a letter which has appeared in a
country paper:—

“ HASLEMERE.— TAKING A CHILD’S SHOES FOR A RAILWAY FARE.

“ To the Editor of the West Sussex Gazette.

“ Sir,—Upon coming to London by the 6'15 train from Portsmouth, on Sunday
I evening last, and when at Haslemere station, amid torrents of rain, a respectable
mechanic got into the train, with a most delicate child of five years of age, who to
- our great surprise had his feet tied up in a white handkerchief. Upon our inquiring
the cause, he informed us that he had travelled down that morning, having paid for
'the single journey, but not finding his friends, who had left the place, he was under
the necessity of immediately returning to London. Not having sufficient money to
pay the fare for himself and child back again, they at the Haslemere Station took
the man’s waistcoat, which not being sufficient, they took the poor child’s new
boots off his feet also. . . . The man’s name is Johnson; he works at Mears's

factory, Blackwall, and lives in the parish of Bromley, Essex.

“ Yours, respectfully, Louisa Lancaster.”

“ 23, Great Tower Street, Oct. 19, 1859.”

The above statement will surely oblige the South-Western Bail way
I Company to publish either a denial of the man Johnson’s story, or
else a new table of fares, arranged on the principle of barter, for the
accommodation of those who may have clothes on their backs, but no
money in their pockets. A hat, so far; a necktie, such a distance ; a
coat, a waistcoat,.a pair of trousers, so many miles for each article of
■apparel. But this sort of tariff would involve the necessity of occa-
sionally giving change, as in the case of a swell who, on some race-
■course, for example, had got cleaned out, watch and all. His pegtops
might be worth more than the fare they were rated at. Moreover,
■oommon decency would demand that the denuded passengers should
go in a fourth-class train. . The Company would also have to set up an
■old-clothes shop, which might adjoin the refreshment room. Among
, the articles therein exposed for sale, there would probably appear a
good many pairs of “Men’s Strong Walking.” But we cannot think
that there would be any children’s shoes, in the window at least; for
■even the economical South-Western Bailway Company would, doubt-
less, be ashamed openly to exhibit the little lace-ups or diminutive
highlows which they had pitilessly stripped from the feet of a poor
little child. .

a teetotaller’s definition.

“Language is most decidedly only given to a drunken man to
-disguise his thoughts.”

A SCOTCH EXPERIMENT.

We read in the Inverness Courier—

“ On Sunday the Members and adherents of Mr. Caird’s Church in Glasgow, for
the first time knelt at prayer, and stood at praise. Mr. Caird announced this as
an experiment for two or three weeks."

What is meant by experiment ? There used to be an idea that an
elephant had no knees, but a writer in Mr. Addison’s Spectator con-
futed that idea by reporting an “experiment,” which resulted in
an elephant’s kneeling to take up Mr. Penkethman. Is there the
same superstition as to the conformation of a Scotchman. And as
to standing ? There are doubtless rather a larger number of persons in
Glasgow than in any place of similar size who find it difficult to stand
under any circumstances on Sunday ; but this is owing to their peculiar
way of keeping the Sabbath, and they are not likely to be members of
Mr. Caird’s congregation. Why, therefore, call decent and orderly
worship an experiment P But if it be meant that this departure from
certain old practices, adopted, of course, in defiance of certain older
ones, is to be subject to the approval of the congregation, it may fairly
be called an experiment, ana one which may lead to some pleasant
odium theologicum, for what spirited religionist, with a sense of iiis own
superiority to his neighbours, will be dictated to in regard to his
attitudes. Is a majority to carry it ? Or, as Sir Walter has it, will

“ All give way to Donald Caird ?”

Questions Mr. Punch would like answered by an early telegram.

INFALLIBLE SPORTING NOMENCLATURE.

His Holiness the Pope went the other day to inspect bis new vessel,
a screw steam corvette, which has been built for him in England. She
is to mount eight rifled guns, and to serve partly to defend the papal
shores, partly as a pleasure-yacht for his Holiness. It is probable that
she will practically avail the successor of the Fisherman in the latter
character only. The Pope has christened her the “ Concezione Irnma-
colata.” He calls his yacht the Immaculate Conception. With similar
taste, a British racing man denominated ills horse “Promised Land.”
But what would our Cardinal say if John Day, for example, were to
name one of his horses that which the Pope has named his yacht ?
Yet surely a noble animal is more worthy than any structure built by
human hands. Sporting men may rejoice to learn what devotional
names they are warranted in giving their quadrupeds by infallible
authority.