Punch (37.1859)

244

[December 17, 1859.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

i

GOOD NEWS FOR GOOD FIGURES.

R delight is to interest,
the ladies, and we now
transcribe for them a most
momentous piece of news,
which has within the last
few days been wafted here
from Paris :—

“ The most important Fa-
shion news at piesent is the
positive decline in the amount
of Crinoline, which is threat-
ened in high quarters to be
abandoned altogether, as well
as the long di esses, already
shortening in front, so that
graceful figures and pretty feet
(which have so long been
masked by their ferruginous
entourage) will be restored to
their rightful dominion.”

We tremble to contem-
plate the effect whicli
these few words may be
expected to produce on
womankind in general, and
on the less fair of the fair
sex in particular. Strain
our fancy as we may, it
refuses to imagine the
alarm and agitation into
which the Misses Skyn-
nye must infallibly be
thrown, on being told that
Crinoline is “ threatened
in high quarters,” and that
probably ere long it will
be utterly “ abandoned.”
Still less can we conceive
the state of desperation to
which the Misses Splayefootte will most likely be reduced, when they learn, alas! that
dresses are “ shortening in front,” and that concealment by long skirts will no longer be
permitted them. Whether the aggrieved ones will forthwith unite their forces, and make
common cause against the enemies of Crinoline, is a matter which remains for history to
chronicle. But knowing to what lengths ladies lately have been going in the matter of their

dresses, it would not at all surprise us to be told
that some such warlike course as this had been
agreed upon, and that the Skynnyes and the
Splatfoottes had boldly thrown off their alle-
giance to the Empress of the Fashions, or, to
give her her other title, the Empress of the
French. But while we contemplate with terror
the sceva indignatio which will seize our lankey
Junos, when they learn the brutal threat of
thus exposing their defects, we cannot but con-
gratulate the better favoured of the sex on their
freedom from the tyranny to which they have
been subjected, and which has far too long, we
fancy, robbed them of their rights. We rejoice
that “graceful figures” will no longer be con-
cealed by their “ferruginous entourage;” and
we are glad that “pretty feet” will be “restored
to their dominion,” from which they have so
wrongfully, we take it, been deposed. As the
“female form divine” is in onr eyes much more
beautiful than any form of ironwork, we shall
delight to see it stripped of its ferruginous sur-
roundings, and its lower half reduced to its
more natural proportions. Crinoline, like death,
levels all distinctions between ugliness and
beauty ; and while lovely woman stoops to the
folly of wide petticoats, it is impossible to praise
her for the beauty of the figure. She may have
pretty feet, but nobody can see them; and
nobody of sense woula take such gifts for
granted. Desinit in Crinoline mulier formosa
superne: and though her face and form be as
beauteous as a mermaid’s, her extremities, for
ought that we can tell, may be as fishy.

The following frightful attempt at wit was
perpetrated this morning, just after breakfast,
by that man Jones, whilst waiting with a few
friends for the conveyance to Town:—

Q. When our vehicle is in sight, what river
does it remind you of ?

J. Why the Buss for us, to be sure.

As we believe Jones meant the Bosphorus, we
don’t intend to ride with him again.

CROSS AND DAGGER.

The ardent devotion of the faithful Irish llibbonman is beautifully
exemplified in a minatory missive, addressed to a gentleman, and pub-
lished in the Belfast News Letter. This edifying composition thus
commences:—■

“ PREPARE YOUR SHEET AND COFFIN.

“ take Notice that for the Abuse you have Poowered on our Beloved Clergy in
compai-ing them to turkey Cocks I will Make a turkey cock of your Brains and A
scullabogue of your devils dens at No 10 Bridge Street for you done all you could

■whin My Poor sons were in prison But in spite of you and old white livered--and

Berdy—— your Heretic government had to set them free—for the dare do nothing
Else—wheres your ten years transportation Now A fig for Whitesid's Big speach,
our Olargey Must Be Respected and the demands of our Beloved and Apostolic
Bishops Must Be granted with Al due Honours to his Holiness Christs vicker on
Earth ”

His Holiness, &c. is perhaps sensible of the honour which he derives
from the circumstance of having so zealous a disciple as the author of
the foregoing denunciation, and of that which follows :—-

“ you think that old Blood hound—lias one of our Respected Clergy in A fix But
Never Mind if I dont fix him jet fin- I will Make Another Wild Goose Lodge of him

and o'd-the old Rober Who But a Short time ago took three Pounds off A Poor

Man Because he would (not) go down on his Nees and Let a Party of Sandy Row
Blood hounds tramp over him And as I have got Eveiything settled and in Ready-
ness in the South I am determined to Make some of the orange Blood hounds of the

North Curse the day the were Bom and old-the old traitor of-shall share the

same fate for these Monsters ai e not fit to be on A Bench Why not such Gentlemen

as-or- or-one of the greatest ornaments in Belfast I Know you are.

fond of this Kind of Music on the other sid so you can Just Clean your teeth on it
don’t wonder at this for you shall have more ”

Wrhat this pious Catholic means by the “ music on the other sid ” is
a copy of verses addressed to the Emperor of the_ French, inviting
that sovereign to invade Ireland, and detach that jewel of an island
from the British crown. The religious earnestness of the writer breaks
out no less in poetry than in prose, as, for example, in these pretty
lines

“ May Holy Mary guard thy sleep
direct thy Path while on the deep
o Come and here My Children weep
that prays for thoe Natolien."

Louis Napoleon, having accepted the invitation thus delivered :—

‘ ‘ the say to land is quite Absurd
Come Right Across then from Cherbourg ”

—notwithstanding the slight geographical difficulty he would encounter
in so doing; having then marched without much further impediment
into the bowels of the land, and driven his bayonets into those of the
Saxon, the consequence according to this religious poet, will be that—

“ then down will go great Englands Queen
No more again shel Er Be seen ”

and Irish loyalty to the Pope having thus accomplished its purpose 1
Irish zeal for the Catholic Faith will enjoy free agency, to the following
effect—

“ then Sandy Row shall get her du
for she has murdred Not a few
Wei Massaciee this orange Crew
or die for Great Napolien ”

Alas! the alternative is the more probable event. It is but too
likely that this model native of the Island of Saints will come to be
martyred—in a nightcap. These verses are signed “Molly Maguire.”
—no relative, possibly, of the Hon. Member for Dungarvan ?

This orthodox menace, which is dated, “ Head-quarters Belfast
1859,” concludes with the following postscript:—

“ Turn over *

“ this is to Let yru see W'hat Road the Wind Blows.

“ I know I should have sent this to another quarter But least it would not have
get your length I send to you for I dont Care you Put it up at the Exchange I
fearlessly toll you that my Sons are Ready fur the day that happy day down goes
English Saxon Tyrene “ M. Maguire f ”

It will be observed that a peculiar sign is appended to the name
of Maguire. A like mark is prefixed to the signatures of “M. Ma-
guire ”’s “Beloved and Apostolic Bishops ; ” and, from some of the
recent Pastorals and speeches of those right reverend but furious pre-
lates, it would be natural to conjecture that the two similar marks
mean the same thing.

The Miser’s Sum of Happiness.—Addition.