Punch (55.1868)

December 12, 1868.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

247

MISTAKES WILL HAPPEN.”

Mamma {alarmed). “ What is it, my Darling ? ”

Pet. “ Ya—ah. Boo—ooh—ah ! ”

Mamma. “What’s the Matter, then? Come and Tell its own-

Pet. “ Ba—h-oo-h—She—She did—-Wash me once—an’—says—she didn’t—an’—She’s been—an’ gone an’ Washed me
over again !!”

BAITED CIRCULARS.

Mr. Punch,

1 am old enough to be the lather of grown-up daughters ; but
I am neither a father nor a husband. It is well. A wife of nearly my
own age would most likely nor be so hale and strong as I am. The
only delight she could well afford me would be that of alleviating her
numerous complaints, and of this pleasure I should be very much
deprived by narrow circumstances. The same limitation would forbid
me to make my children happy. As for my daughters, if I had any,
they could not, for anything 1 could do, but be the reverse of happy.
My means would not enable them to appear in the expensive dresses
now exacted by society, and as necessary, with any view to matrimony,
as the silk, and hackle, and gold aud silver thread, with which hooks
are adorned to make artificial flies, and catch trout.

Puffing linen-drapers, however. Sir, are unaware both of my
indigence and celibacy. At least they are ignorant of the latter;
knowledge of the former would probably not prevent them from sending
their circulars to my abode, on the chance of tempting thoughtless
girls, or a foolish old woman to mis-spend money, run me up a hill, or
-coax, or badger me into extravagance.

Messrs. Tagg and Ragg, the other day, sent me one of their
announcements of sales of depreciated stock, accompanied by three
different specimens of silk, with their respective prices. The least
costly was 60s. the dress, the next 75s., the highest 78s. 6d.
’‘Walker!” was the exclamation which audibly burst from my lips,
as, winking mine eye at Tagg and Ragg in idea, I pressed my thumb
hard on the end of my nose, and forcibly twiddled my fingers.

“ Ah! ” thought I, “ how many a poor fellow like myself, and having
incumbrances which I am not saddled with, has been let in by means
of that circular and its enclosed patterns for from fourteen or fifteen to
twenty or thirty pounds, if not more ! ”

“Matrimony,” said Dr. Johnson, “has many pains, and celibacy

few pleasures.” Sir, I experienced one of its pleasures as I cast the
silken baits for my imagined females into the fire, and proceeded to
convert the paper which had contained them into spills. Which
whilst I used from time to time in lighting my pipe, I tried to work
myself into a state of mind approaching to content with my lot by
comparing it with what it might be if 1 were poor Paterfamilias,
ana not Diogenes Tubhouse.

P.S. Whenever a weak sense of loneliness comes over me, I comfort
myself with the reflection that, whilst others are necessitated to incur
linendrapers’ charges, my whole expenditure on apparel is limited to
infrequent transactions at the ready-made clothes-shop.-

News from Newgate.

Again two base garotters, stripped,
Have been tied up in turn, and whipped
At Newgate, but, the truth to tell,

The rascals uttered ne’er a yell,

Though each did forty stripes receive ;
This failure to report we grieve.

More power, in paying savage crime.

To Calcraft’s elbow the next time.

Sung.

Cheshire’s six County Conservative Members have but three
names amongst them. There is one Tollemaciie, two Leghs, and
three Egertons.

Another curiosity is, that there are two Boroughs which return
M.P.’s with the same names—Devonport and Marylebone both send a
Chambers and a Lewis.