Punch: Punch (56.1869)

32

[January 23, 1869.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

A PERFECT CURE.

Town Man. “ How Jolly it must be, Living down here in the Country ! ”
Country Gentleman. “Oh, I don’t know. It’s rather a Torpid sort of
Life ; Time passes very Slowly.”

Town Man. “ Time passes Slowly? You should get Somebody to Draw
on you at Three Months ! ! ”

ADVICE GRATIS.

Old woman, do not dye thy hair ;

Old fogy, from thine hoary head,

Repel the darkening wash; a snare
Contrived with deleterious lead.

Ye who are prematurely gray,

Use dyes, and know not what you do,
May brush in mercury, and may
Be prematurely toothless too.

11 may not harm the blood of man
If liquid iron the scalp’s pores drink,

And then the head with juice of tan
Be washed, and so renewed with ink.

Or say that you blanched locks restore
To something near their pristine hue
Like faded clothes ; upon them pour
The old reviver black and blue.

But mind that all the salts of Mars
On linen leave a rusty stain :

A bosom’s front, adorned with stars
Of reddish brown, there may remain.

The walnut’s liquor will afford
To grizzled hair a safe disguise.

With that from time to time restored
It might be, rather than with dyes.

And there are mushrooms which do yield
A ketchup that would serve as well;

Go, seek them in the pasture field,

Along the borders of the dell.

But better will you leave the pate
To grow, as Nature wills it, white,

Your aged face, that doth not mate
With raven fringe’s a sorry sight,

Which if you don’t, old fools, discern.
Whilst you betray yourselves unwise,

All who behold you thence will learn
How much have likewise failed your eyes.
Attention to the head’s inside

With more good will repay your pains ;
Philosophy of'liealth, applied,

May help you to preserve your brains.

Presents for a Girl of the Period.—A bottle of
olives, and a box of cigars.

THE NAPIER AND THE LADY.

Dear Sir William,

Punch does like you so, you can’t think. You have all the
true Napier impulse, which ninety times brings your family into glory,
and ten times into grief.

You sent to the Times a letter from a Lady, who described what she
saw, and told what she had heard, during the late fighting in Malaga.
It was essentially “ a woman’s letter,” and whether that phrase be
praise or censure depends upon whether the employer likes women or
not. Some people don’t like them. Punch adores them.

Then somebody told you that the Pall Mall Gazette had been rude
to the lady. And then came out the Napier characteristic which
Punch does admire so, you can’t think. You scorn to get the Journal
and see whether the accusation be true, but you write a letter of mag-
nificent abuse, and add that you will never again expose a lady to such
treatment. Probably, by this time, you have seen the paper, and may
think that beyond the liberty of daring to make any remark on anything
which a. Napier has endorsed, there was no great harm in what the
Critic said.

Bless you, stick to this way of doing things. We (and others) find
it so convenient. When we read a sensation story of some grievance
or wrong, we instantly hurry out an indignant article upon it. Eor as
the story is nearly sure to be a wild exaggeration, or an unfair state-
ment, we should be done out of our gush if we waited for the facts.
Accept, brother-in-arms, best compliments, and believe us,

Your devoted.

Punch.

What Can you Say? — Name any celebrated English humorist
you _ please to an American, and he will tell you, by way of reply, that
in his country they have a Whittier.

WELSH NANNYGOAT—ANECDOTE, WE MEAN.

“ At the Montgomeryshire quarter session at Welshpool last week a tramp
was proved to have stolen clothes. After a lengthy consultation the jury re-
turned a verdict of guilty, and, to the surprise of every one in court, accom-
panied* the verdict with a recommendation to mercy. The Chairman.—On
what ground,'may I ask? The Foreman (evidently puzzled).—I do not
know {laughter). The foreman then turned round to his colleagues in the
box, and another lengthy consultation ensued, and after the lapse of a few
minutes the foreman suddenly started up, and explained the recommendation
by saying—‘We recommend him to mercy because no one see’d him commit
the crime”—an explanation which elicited a loud burst of laughter from
a crowded court.”

To laugh at a Welsh jury is as natural a thing as it used to be to
ridicule au Alderman for being rotund and liking his dinner. Nobody,
except Lord Dalkeith, ridicules Aldermen now, seeing that for the
most part they are active intelligent gentlemen, who think less of
dinners than do the languid Swells at the clubs. But we must go on
laughing at the Welsh jurors, until they stand up on their hind legs
and try to imitate humanity. The above story is good, but how much
more advanced is the London constable than the Welsh clown ? If
the former does not see a crime committed, he will do nothing for you.
So though we laugh at the Welshers, they have a laugh against the
Londoners.

Good News from the Tagus.

Spain has found a Sovereign at last, one all who wish well to that
country must earnestly desire may have a long rule, for we are in-
formed that “ Tranquillity reigns throughout the Peninsula.”

Pointed Architecture.—The Cathedral of Spires.