Punch: Punch (57.1869)

July 31, 1869.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

39

Need hardly put that down, but I will. There's nothing like regularity
MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS, in details. 2nd. Have breakfast, 8fc. Start a separate heading, Utters

to write. By the way, they haven't answered that belt. Out of bed to
rinz again. Jump in once more. Quite exercise. Jot on. Letter to
Boodels. I've got lots to write, I know, but c*n't thiuk just now to
whom. One to Willis about his bed and the stranarer Grainger in
it. That's all. No. One to my wife. Forgot that. What can I say ?

Happy Thought.—Mustn't say "I'm enjoying myself very much in
London." Will write, " Horrid place, London this time of year."
{Happy Thought: Height of the Season.) " Wish I was back home in our
cottage. But can't: business with publisher—most important. Kiss
baby lor me. Love to Mamma " (I mean Mrs. Symperson, my mother-
in-law. Must shove in that). Ring the bell again. That's the third time.

Happy Thought, (for letter to my wife) to throw in pathetically,
" The longer I stay away the more I am convinced there is no
place like home." This will be a sort of apology for my staying
away ever so long now, perhaps including going to Jersey and
Prussia to see Count de Bootjack. Looking at the sentence in two
ways, there is one in which it isn't very complimentary. [Happy
Thought.—Look at it in the other way. Wife will, 1 hope.] Finish up
letter with, "There is no news here." (Where? I don't exactly
know. Epistolary Conventionalities. Good title for handy book.
Suggest it to publisher. Wonder whether he '11 " jump at it.") Finish
with "I am, dearest Friddy" (short for Fridoline) " your ever affec-
tionate husband "-By the way, why sign my Christian and surname

to my wife? (Ring the bell again. That's the fourth time. I suppose
I am so out of the way they don't care about me in Number Three
Hundred and Seventy-Five. Too bad ; because what should I do in
case of fire ? Ah well, p'raps one would hardly want a bell then,
except to ring and order a cab. Say, for instance, "There's a fire
here : so I shan't stay any longer. Get me a cab." Back to bed for
the fourth time. That's eight jumps in and out, and the room crossed
eight times : walk before breakfast.) To resume. Why should I sign
any name to my wife's letter? Odd I've always done it, but its
absurdity never struck me till this moment.

Happy Thought.—"Your ever affectionate Husband." Full stop, and a
dash to the final "d" of husband. This, as it were, marks an era in
letter-writing. I wish they'd answer the bell. Fifth time of jumping
out and in and ringing. Pause : no answer. Sixth time. Enter Maid
suddenly, "Did you rang, Sir," Yes, I did rang, I answer crossly.
Can't help being cross—she's an elderly woman of the very plainest
pattern. \_NoteforTypicalDevelopments: Physiognomy: Effecton Persons.]
1 complain. Bang ten times: exaggeration pardonable. She never
heard the bell—it's not her landing. " Then why did she come ? " I
feel immediately afterwards that this question is ungrateful. What
did I want ? Well—I—(my memory is so treacherous. Odd. For the
moment I've quite forgotten what I had been ringing six times for ?)

Happy Thought.—Oh, please take clothes and boots, and brush 'em.
" Here they are, Sir, outside." Ah, taken while I was asleep. Oh !
(as she is leaving the room) I know: Tea and a bath. She understands
me and retires. Note down what else I've got to do to-day. Do the
Royal Academy.

Happy Thought.—Get up, and go early. It takes me a long time
getting up. Wish I could do what heroes in novels do. Their toilet
never takes them more than a few minutes. " Ten minutes sufficed
him to complete his toilet, and then hurrying down the stairs he
met," &c. &c, or "To jump from the rude couch, and to buckle on his
armour, was with Sir Reginald the work of a few seconds. When
fully accoutred he descended the steps and found Lady Eveline on the
Terrace," &c, &c. I should like to fill this out (" Come in ! " to Boots,
with bath) with details. "To jump from the bed, look in the glass,
brush his hair, blow his nose, wash his face and hands, tub himself, brush
his teeth, put on a clean shirt of mail, ask for a clean pocket-handker-
chief, and get his armour brushed and polished, was with Sir Reginald
the work of fewer seconds than it has taken me to write this."

Happy Thought.—After breakfast tell Boots to pack up bag, bring it
down, and I '11 call for it in the course of the day. Very Happy
Thought, because by this means I don't have to lug it about town.
(By the way, where am I going to sleep to-night ? At Willis's, if
Grainger's gone : call and see). I don't have to pack it myself. And
I fetch it without any ostentation. Without ostentation means that
ten to one against this particular Boots being in the Charing Cross
Hall, and so I shan't have to tip him. Don't deserve tips for not
answering bells. Almost a proverb this—" Who answers no bells, gets
no Tips."

Happy Thought.—Compose a book of new Proverbs. Offer this to a
publisher who '11 jump at it. What a lot of things I shall have to offer
to the publisher when I go with Vol. I. of Typical Developments:
Might make a fortune if he only goes on jumping. "New
Proverbs" is a first-rate notion. Stop, though—isn't it rather
sacrilegious ? (That isn't the word I want, but, I mean, isn't it rather
treading on Solomon's ground ?) Wouldn't do this for anything. By
the way, didn't Ttjpper ? That's rather against it. But mine's a
totally different notion. " New Proverbs " with the celebrated motto,

wake up in the Hotel apparently in the middle of a dream.
Happy Thought (on the instant).—To note it down, as it seems a con-
nected story. My Dream. (Example of Connected Dreams for Typical
Developments, Vol. IX., ch. ii.j par. 3, under " D," for Dreams, i.e.
Dreams of all Nations.'] I thought Lord Westbury came up to me,
somewhere in a room or a garden, took me aside and said something
to the effect that "his real name was Sarsaparilla." I don't think I
was surprised at the announcement, or perhaps I hadn't time to express
any astonishment, as immediately afterwards I was attempting to
creep on all fours under a kitchen-table, which some one (I don't know
who it was, as I didn't see him) said was a Monastery for Little Boys.
Then, immediately, I seemed to be in India, about to be executed for
^subordination to a General who was crying. I didn't know any of
the officers except Boodels, who was explaining to me the principle
of the guillotine. I replied to some one (to Boodels, I fancy) that I
must write home to ask permission. But for what I don't know,
unless I meant permission to be executed. The dream, at this point,
became confused, and by the way, on looking over the above notes, it
doesn't seem to me so clearly connected as it had at first appeared. I
am sure there are some missing links which have escaped my memory.
I '11 think of them during the day, and put them down. My impression
about the insubordination in India and the guillotine is so vivid that I
am really quite glad to find myself in the Hotel bed.

Happy Thought—Ring the bell and order cup of tea, to thoroughly
wake me. _ First, to find the bell. It's generally, in hotels, near the
bed. No it isn't. Or above my head. No.

Happy Thought. (Brilliant, in fact.)—Ho trace position of bell-handle
by following the wires at the top of the room. I should have made a
good detective. There are no wires. I sit up in bed, and then
observe that the bell-handles are on either side of the fireplace : as if
it was a dining-room. It's absurd to have a bed-room like a dining-
room : the architect ought to have known better. By the way, is it
the architect's business ? Curious how ignorant one is on these really
common subjects. I never thought of it before, but now I do consider
the matter, it appears to me that the architect only manages the outside
of the building—its architectural part—and has nothing to do with the
inside. Then who does the stairs ? and the doors ? Carpenters and
upholsterers ? I wish I had a dictionary here, I'd look out what
facade means, as I know it's the architect's business to attend to that.
Odd, now I think of it again, I do believe I've left out Architecture
under A in Typical Developments, Vol. II. However, I shall show the
publishers only Vol. I., which is complete up to Abstractions. Get up
and ring the bell. Get into bed again. Delightful to think in bed.
To he and think : then take note-book and jot something down. Jot
down my arrangements for the day. 1st. Get up. Wash and dress.