Punch: Punch (57.1869)

August 21, 1869.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

67

us^al statement that Foreign Powers assure her of their friendliness I

(no such assurance ever being given, of course), was advised to men-1 CHARITY FOR CRIMINALS.

tion:—

1. That negotiation with America has been suspended, and it is
hoped that this delay may tend to maintain friendly relations. [Yes, if
tiro persons cut one another, they can hardly quarrel, your Majesty.,]

2. That Parliament has been zealous and assiduous. [Well deserved.']

3. The Irish Church Act. [Fiat Justitia /]

4. The Re-Creation of the Compound Householder. [Your health,
Mr. Disraeli !]

5. The Bankruptcy Act. [Live within your income, everybody, and
(as the shoemaker remarked to his boy, who mentioned that the trout were
biting that morning, and was advised by his stern parent to mind his work),
" then the trout won't bite you."]

6. The Act abolishing Imprisonment for Debt. [Tradesmen, don't
give foolish credit.]

7. The Endowed Schools Act [Now, boys, show your endowments.']

8. The Habitual Criminals Act. [Tremble, ruffians ! Well said, Mr.
Knox ! An admirable warning^]

9. The Cattle Act. [Not in Mr. low's department^

10. Repeal of Duty on Eire Insurance. [Everybody but fools insure.]

11. Pepeal of Duty on Corn. [No chaff occurs to us.]

12. The Electric Telegraphs Act. [Bravo, Mr. Scudamore !]

The Queen was much obliged for the Supplies, and for the money
which has paid the Abyssinian bill.
And this was the highly elegant conclusion :—

." During the recess you will continue to gather that practical knowledge
and experience which,form the solid hasis of legislative aptitude."

And so endeth the first Session of the Terrible Parliament, which,
elected by the Millions, was to abolish everything except the Guillotine.

Mr. Punch salutes the Public, and, dulce ridens, once more puts the
Stopper into the Bottle of Essence of Parliament.

Onnerd Mr. Punch,

I am a pore man as lives by ormest industry, leastways if not
exactly onnest I am certingly industrious, for I've often prigged as
many as half a score of tickers, besides scarf pins, port monnays and
other harticles of virtue in a single evening's work. In coorse I've
now and then been nabbed, and brort afore the Beeks, but aving nothing
in partickler to characterise my features, sich as a broken nose for
instance, or a pair of bandy legs, I aintbin often reckonised as previous
conwicted, and have got upon the ole pretty tolerable well off. But
what puts me in a funk is this here blessed Hack for what is called the
unting down of us abitual crimnles, which Mr. Bruce he says of it—

" The main objects of the Bill were the supervision of criminals and a
proper system of registration in order to secure the recognition of habitual
offenders when brought up for trial."

Sir, all as I say is that if us pore armless prigs like me and Charley
Clteaker is going to be registered, and have our names and weights
and colours of our eyes and noses stuck up at street corners for the
warnink of the public and instruction of the Pleece, we'd better shut
up shop and hemigrate at once. If they 're a going to register us like
a lot of stoves, and ave our picturs published with our auto-biog-
rapheries, there wont be arf a chance of our Gammonin the beaks, by
gitting of a friend for to depose a halibi in case we come to grief.
Goodbye to hold Hengland will soon ave to be our cry, for what's the
good of staying to get 7 years penal servitude arter being twice con-
wicted, to say nothing of the nuisance of living underneath the sur-
weillance of the pleece. Mr. Bruce he seems to think the Hack will
do a sight of good in criminal reformin, which he puts his notion this
way in his speech when the Bill passed:—

" He had little faith in the moral effect of the ordinary imprisonment of an
offender who had been living a life of crime; on the other hand, a long
sentence of penal servitude had this effect—it broke up the habits of the
criminal, separated him from his old associates, accustomed him to vigorous
labour, while means were put within his power of returning to a life of
honesty and industry; and, as a matter of fact, those means were frequently
and successfully resorted to, as was proved by the experience of the Discharged
Prisoners' Aid Society."

Sir, all as I can say is that if me and my pal Charly ad bin taken by
the & when we fust come out of quod, and put to any onest andicraft
for urning our own living, we should not have had occasion a second
time to trouble the beeks or the perlice. We none of us likes being
unted down and collared and sentenced to ard labour, though arter all
the fact is that the ardest of ard labour is the lives we have to lead.
Give a cove a elping and arter his fust punishment and youll see that
19 out of 20 wont ever want a second. But its ard lines on a lad to
be sent into the streets without a scrap of character, with nobody to
help him but his huncle the pawnbroker, and with nobody to shelter
him but his old wicious haunts. I remain, Sir, yours most faithful to
command, Peter Priggins.

CONVIVIAL TEA.

A traixeul of excursion folk, all under a marquee,
Sat down to bread and butter, young and old—their drink was tea.
But first they sang the Hundredth Psalm, for grace, with jubilee—
Good people, they were Methodists, come out upon a spree.

O Hyson, 0 green Hyson, can it be thou art so strong ?
Are ye such right stuff, Horniman, and Pekoe, and Souchong ?
There seemed to be more merriment those Methodists among,
Than their beholder had beheld at any board for long.

Good spirits from the tea-pot is it possible to pour

In cups that not inebriate, but cheer no less, but more,

Than goblets of the choicest wine, and grog with ample store,

Of weeds, which boon companions need, each other lest they bore ?

A Distinguished Tourist.

Mrs. Malaprop is abroad with her husband and a Currier, and from
the accounts which have come to hand of her progress appears to be
making rather a wide circuit in her travels, letters having been received
from her dated Aches-la-Chapel, The Ague, Humbug, Kissing'em,
Tureen and Whistbaden. She writes that she was delighted with the
Bind and not surprised at the colour of the Poan. Her descriptions of
Lake Lemon, the Jargonelles, the Hearts Mountains, and the Simpleton
Pass are very remarkable, and the Jury Mountains she describes as
Grand. When last heard of, Mrs. M. was going to Puin.

No Charge eor Stamping.—This familiar heading of an advertise-
ment might be adopted by the Mint to announce the maxim which, in
the coinage of sovereigns, it has established as a golden rule.

Is This a Canard from Canada ?

" A curious bet was made between two gentlemen of this city [Montreal]
noted for the amplitude of their beards. . . . The bet was that the loser
of the toss should at once denude himself of his magnificent beard and
moustaches."

What a hair-breadth escape for the winner!

Lowe Jokes.

The Conservatives appear to be stunned. They raise little or no
outcry against Mr. Lowe's proposal to lower the Standard. To be
sure your gold is not your paper. But the Chancellor of thf.
Exchequer proposes bringing down the Sovereign. It is, however,
I true that he contemplates doing this without prejudice to the Crown. .