Punch: Punch (57.1869)

Octobeb 2, 1869.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

133

PUNCH TO THE POPE.

ear and Holy Father,

Ie you please, may I
come to the (Ecumenical

HOW TO MAKE A PIECE " GO.

{A Modern Receipt.)

behave like a gentleman, as
I never do anything else.
I will not even wink at An-
tonelli when any particu-
larly beautiful lady comes
into the gallery. I will make
no speech until invited to
do so, and I will not once

Choose an immoral subject, or one taken from some French,
Council ? I German, Spanish, or Italian play. In this latter case it may be per-

I need not promise to j fectly moral. In announcing it, call it a New Play, omitting all mention

of originality. (N.B. Call all your plays New Plays, whether original
or not, always omitting the word " original." Safest course.)

_ Hint to one or two people, as a secret, that an incident in your new
piece is taken from the French. Do this in plenty of time before its
production.

Result.—One or two people in the secret will tell one or two people
out of it. The one or two thus let into the secret will set to work to
make a guinea or so by writing a magazine article on Originality in
Roo-ey-too-ey! " Dramatic Writing, wherein your piece will be mentioned with its inci-

It appears to me that you, dents from the French,
dear Father, ought at least This is one push towards making the piece "go."
to give my request the con- The secret will have oozed out by this time, if you have carefully
sideration which you gave informed two of the most intelligent of your performers how you have
to that of Da. John Cum- j adapted certain scenes (don't include dialogue, or their estimate of your
ming, "of Scotland." You talents will be considerably lowered) from the French, or German, or
are not kept quite so well | Spanish, &c. This, through the circulating medium of the social
posted up (as our American j " Clubs " and houses of call where certain literary and dramatic
friends say) in Protestant i geniuses are wont to assemble, will soon incite ready wits with ready
affairs, as would be well be-1 Pens to search for the original play itself, and attack you with transla-
fore Infallibility speaks or J tions and comparisons in any journal with which they may be con-
writes, or you would know that I am equally entitled with Ctjmming nected.

to be heard as the representative of Protestantism. In fact, we stand,
as regards that matter, in exactly the same footing in the eyes of Great
Britain. As to our respective fooling, I may say, reversing the words
of Sir Andrew Aguecheek, " I do it with a better grace, but he does it
more natural."

My dear holy Father, it would not be more absurd for the head of
the Catholic world to write to me than to write to John Ctjmming.
I cannot think how the Archbishop of York Place could let you do it.

This is another push.
Then some great mind will write to the Times. Then some other
great mind will reply. One will swear it is all, every bit of it, from the
French, or German, or Spanish, the other will deny the entirety of the
theft, but will admit it in part. These gentlemen will, of course meet
you at dinner at the house of a brother author, and the point will be
argued in private, and a determination will be arrived at to keep it up
in public. Then brother author, interested in always having his name
before the public (" Praise me, or abuse me, but don't, oh don't, be

Have you snubbed him m any way ? I know that his real genius is gilent about me , >. is his } wntes to a ■ rnal defending-(Heaven
distasteful to .theUltramontanes + ' save the mark !)-i#»^ you.

Well, I claim the same respect as that you have shown the Scotch , Then the Chief Qf thfl Cntics descends from his pedestal and stays
Doctor. But I have some personal claims of my own which I proceed the ^ war . for the WQrld is nQW m excitemeilt aild is feverish
to advance. Do you know my history P Did you ever see my Drama? Wlth ^ety to know what the Chief will say. He writes in nis best
It came irom Italy. style a calm and lucid report of the foreign and the English work, and

I am entitled to the veneration of the Romish Priesthood for the
following reasons :—

1. I got rid of my wife. Celibacy for me!

2. I delivered over my enemy to the civil power, whereby he was
put to death.

3. I banged the beadle—thus protesting against the iniquitous in-
terference of secularism.

4. I smashed the lawyer—I despise all laws but those of my own
making.

5. I pitched the baby out of window for crying—i.e. protesting.

6. I pretended to demolish the Devil.

Now, really, dear Father, 1 think that, my dress excepted, I am as
good a Catholic ecclesiastic as any that will come to the Council. For
my costume, I would say in Dr. Ctjmming's Latin, Cukullos non fecit
monkeyum. But I will attire myself as you please, if you will let me
come.

I would not be unpleasant, but the defection of Father Htacinthe,
the grandest preacher in your church, and his declaration that your
Council is a tyranny and a sin against humanity, are bores for you,
and you need some compensating eclat. Have me.

Come, dear Father, send me an invitation, and I will throw over
Ismail Pasha and Suez, though I look upon the Canal as a greater
miracle than any in your list.

Deign to receive the assurance of much more respect than Dr.
Cumming showed the aged and venerable High Priest of a great
though mistaken sect, and believe me, Your Well-wisher

Saint Bridgets Church-Yard. P^ENCf^.

P.S. Do not, please, show this to Antonelli until you have posted
your answer. He is a very carnal-minded cove, and awfully jealous of
a good-looking man.

Bird and Beast.

In a pro-Fenian speech, full of Fenian frenzy, addressed at Castlebar
to a meeting on behalf of the Fenian convicts, Mr. George Henry
Moore, M.P., is reported by "An Inquirer" in the Times to have
referred to the British Parliament as "the beast of Parliament." It's
an ill bird that does that to its own nest which Mr. Moore is said to
have done. If he has done it, how long will the other nestlings con-
tinue to stand him ?

leaves the case so very much where it was that the much-desired result
must follow, viz. :—

That everybody will ge and judge for himself.

This, Gentlemen, is the way to make a piece go now-a-days. And,
Gentlemen, where's the trouble and labour ? Sum up :—

Piece in a foreign language. Adapt it. Thoroughly Anglicise it.—An
afternoon will do that.

Drop hints about it.—This occupies a week or so. After this you
leave it to itself. You stay at home at ease. You read the discussions.
You see whither it all tends. Good. You refuse to break your silence.
You will not appear to plead at the bar. A. letter to the Chief of the
Critics, private, might take you five minutes, sending him the book,
marked by you. of course. Smoke your cigar, read more and more dis-
cussions, and inspect your nightly receipts.

Advice.—Put by something considerable for that rainy day (to you)
when such dodges will no longer serve, and the public taste (for better
or for worse) has changed. In the meantime decimate a portion of
your gains for a tour on the Continent where lie all the materials for
your trade, and get a smattering of German, Spanish, Italian, and, in
fact, of any language with which you may not be acquainted. Who
doubts but there are comedies and plays in all ?

Priggywigs.

" Well done, Well done, Hyacinthus my Son!"

Thackeray.

Now is the time for Rome ! N ow for a manifestation of ecclesiastical
power. We all know the history of Hyacinthus, and how he was
slain by a quoit miraculously directed at his head. Father Hyacinthe
has descended from his pulpit, and denounces the (Ecumenical Council.
If the Pope in that Council has half the supernatural power claimed
for him, let the defiant Carmelite be physically floored. If this can't
be done, the Council had better shut up—it is an anachronism—Hamlet
without the Prince of Denmark—in fact, a Sham.

Interesting to Naturalists.

Cows ruminate, we know, but can dumb animals exchange their
thoughts by means of conversation ? This is a mute point, which has
frequently been mooted. One fact at least is certain. In Scotland at
this season, wherever you may go, you are sure from all your sporting
friends to hear accounts of deer's talkinsr.