Punch: Punch (57.1869)

156 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. I October 23, 1869.

MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS.

appt Thought.—On
my way to the Doctor's
call on my Uncle and
Aunt, whom I was
going to see just before
I left town last time,
but didn't.

Don't know why I
didn't. Very odd, but
it's always been the
same as regards my
Uncle and Aunt ever
since I can recollect.
I used to be taken to
their house by my
nurse. Perhaps the fact
of being taken there has
remained in my inner
consciousness ever
since. Mem. for Typi-
cal Developments, Vol.
IV., Early Compulsion,
damaging effects of. By
the way, must hurry on
with Typ. Bevel., Vol. L,

for popgood and

Groolly.

I remember the street,
but forget the number.
I don't know why I hit
upon thirty-seven, but
I do and am right. (Stop
to make this note in
the hall. Mem. for
Typ. Dev. Tendrils of
Memory, seize on—leave
blank here for word to
be selected in calmer

moments—^ early youth, and so on, &c. / shall understand this when
1 wish to develope the note into

been obliged to say this, if she hadn't turned the conversation to my
wife and baby.

Happy Thought.—To answer, " they 're longing to come and call on
you, but have been so unwell."

Partly truth—partly fiction. They have been unwell, but I never
can get Fridoline to call on my Aunt. She says, " It's such a horrible
idea to go and see, not how people are getting on, but getting off, when
they 're going to leave you money." The discussion has never ended
pleasantly. I can't help feeling that my wife is honest, but impolitic ;
so I put it to her reasonably, and she retorts that I want her to be a
hypocrite. It is so difficult to explain to a woman the difference
between policy and hypocrisy. She won't go, so / have to call. I own
to feeling (as I have said) like a Vampire myself. Perhaps it's as well
as it is.

Happy Thought.—One Vampire's enough in a family.

Interview over ; glad of it. My Uncle, who has not joined in the
conversation, except by groaning at intervals, mutters, "Good-bye,
won't see me again." I really could cry, if it wasn't for my Aunt, who,
having rung for Mussels to open the door, is now saying good-bye
to me, and remarking, quite cheerfully, " Your Uncle is very well, only
if he will make stupid mistakes," (with such a look at the poor old
gentleman, who groans,) "he can't expect to be well. Goodbye."

On inquiry, I ascertain from Mussels that the " stupid mistake " my
Uncle had made was in drinking his lotion and rubbing in his mixture.
As my Aunt said, of course he couldn't expect to be well.

Happy Thought.—Good-bye, Mb. Mussels.

Always be polite to the Butler. Recollect Mussels years ago, when
I used to look at picture-books in the pantry; at least, I think I do,
or another butler, just like him. Mr. Mussels asks civilly after my
wife and family. I return thanks (to Mussels) for them, and add
playfully that " the family" has the rash.

Happy Thought.—Return compliment, " Mbs. Mussels quite well ?"

Wish I hadn't. Mussels has been a widower for five years. Don't
know what to say to this. Not the place for a repartee: opportunity
for consolation. The only consolation I can think of at the moment is,
" Well, never mind," with the addition of what I wanted to have said
up-stairs about " We must all be buried sooner or later." Pause on
the top step, fumble with umbrella, feel that on the whole nothing can
be said except " Dear me!" and walk into the street abstractedly.
Door shut. I (as it were) breathe again. Re-action. Walk cheerfully
to the Doctor's.

Wonder what his opinion will be. Shall tell him that friends (really

I find that the Butler has held the drawing-room door open for Cazell) have advised me to go abroad for the benefit of my health.

more than a minute, while I am making this note, coming up-stairs,
(not easy) in my pocket-book. My Aunt says, "Shut the door,
Mussels," sharply. Mussels, the butler, retires.

Happy Thought.—Mussels rhymes to Brussels, and I am going to
Aix.

Happy Thought.—Nothing the matter with me, except perhaps a
little rheumatism. However, just as well to see a Doctor.

" Prevention better than cure," sensible saying that, and I shall be
able to finish off several volumes of Typ. Devel. at Aix (a very quiet
place, I am told) and astonish Popgood and Groolly.

If my Aunt or Uncle had any sense of humour, I'd say this as a ■ Happy Thought.—Before I go to Doctor's, wrap up the fee carefully
pleasant commencement. {Note. Typ. Devel., On Commencements.) ; in a piece 0f paper, and put it in a pocket by itself. Watch in one

My Aunt having stood up to receive me, in the draught, which
Mussels had made by keeping the door open—(funny name, Mussels)
—is cross, and coughs behind her hand.

Happy Thought.—To say cheerfully and smiling lightly, " How d'ye
do. Aunt F" ignoring the draught. It appears she doesn't do parti-
cularly well, nor my Uncle either.

Happy Thought.—Suit your manners to your company : drop smiling
and look serious. My Uncle is sitting in an arm-chair, very feeble,
and occasionally groaning. My Aunt describes her own symptoms
with painful and touching accuracy, but has no pity for him. She says
impatiently, "Oh dear, your Uncle groans and coddles himself up if
his little finger aches. 1 tell him to go out for a good walk, and take
healthy exercise." On examining him reproachfully, as much as to say,
" Why don't you take my Aunt's advice ? " he appears as if he might
possibly venture as far as the centre pattern of the carpet and back
again. Think my Aunt a little hard on my Uncle. Better not say so.
Merely observe gravely, "I'm sorry to see you so unwell" (to my
Aunt, as if I didn't care how my Uncle was, dismissing him in fact as
a shammer).

[Query. Isn't this " time-serving," and oughtn't I to be above it ?]
My Aunt gives me a list of her complaints ; I appear to be listening
with great interest, like a doctor. If Cazell was here, he'd tell her
" what she ought to do." While she is talking I can't help remem-
bering that, I nave always heard what expectations I have from my
Aunt. Friends have joked me about it. Many have said they envy me.
Everyone seems to know what a lucky dog I am going to be except
myself. She continues her list of maladies, she shakes her head mourn-
fully, says she's getting an old woman now.
Happy Thought.—Say politely, " Oh no."

Peel that she must see through this. If she sets me down as a

pocket; fee in the other. Then you can get at it at once, and give it
with a sort of grace.

THE TASTE POR THISTLES.

Asses, what can be absurder
Than much talk about a murder ?
" Many more," consider you,
" Murders must this one ensue."
Murders keep a certain rate ;
Buckle would account for eight
All at once, not every day,
But once only in the way.
Murder 'tis no good to mention
But with view to its prevention,
If prevented it may be.
Murder's no grand mystery;
Crime, in England or in France,
Save to fools, is no romance,
And the books wherein 'tis learnt
As such, ought to be all burnt,
All the plays hissed off the stage
Of this low "sensation" age;
Then we should be cursed no more
Wit h a mischief, and a bore.

A Wizard no Conjuror.

Dear old Zadkiel is hard put to it for a puff, but he has found one.
humbug, it will ruin my chance. Yet I can't sit, as it were, gloating ' " He prophesied No Tidal Waves, and none came." Quite right, dear

over my victim like a Vampire. Feel inclined to say solemnly, " Well, ' clever boy. And you did not prophesy the death of one of the Elephants
Aunt, we must all come to an end" (s\ibstituting this expression for in the Zoo. And none has died. Why not advertise that? The
" die " which had first occurred to me) " sooner or later." Should have Society won't mind.

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