Punch: Punch (60.1871)

4 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 7, 1871.

THE SCHOOLMASTER ABROAD.

Horatio. " 0 do Leave off that Noise, Emilia, will yee ? "
Lucretia. "Don't say ' Will yer,' Hoeatio ! Say ' Will you?'"
Horatio. "All Right. Leave off! will you, Emilyov ! "

GOOD RESOLUTIONS TOE THE NEW YE ATI.

December 31, 1870.— " I stood on the Bridge at -midnight,'' in my Irish
frieze great coat, and made the following good resolutions for 1871.

To read a portion of Gibbon, or Hume, or some other standard
author, every day.
To take regular exercise.

Not to mix my wines when I go out to dinner, and never to touch
dessert.

To keep a diary, and to put down every evening what I have
spent in the course of the day.

Never to give anything again to street-beggars.

Always to have my bath, even in the severest weather.

To go out shopping with my wife whenever she asks me, sifL +o
do so cheerfully and with money in my pocket.

To study some physical science —■ Astronomy, Palaeontology,
Chemistry, &c.

To resume my German.

To try to like classical music.

To pay ready money for everything.

Gradually to leave off smoking.

Not to sit up so late at night; and to get up early in the morning,
light my own fire, and do work before breakfast.

To go to Islington to see my old cousin more frequently, and to
ask her to stay with us for a few days in the Summer.

Not to read so many novels.

Not to wear my best hat every day.

To give no more Christmas-boxes.

To go to the dentist, if that tooth is not better.

To know all about eclipses, ozone, spots on the sun, the tides, &c.

Not to exceed my income.

To read the County History.

Always to travel third-class when alone.

To eat cold meat at dinner without a murmur or a frown.

To read the debates when Parliament meets.

To try to write more legibly.
| To be very economical in cabs.

To go frequently to the British Museum and National Gallery.
To learn Bezique, and to play it with my wife every evening when
we are alone.
To encourage the legitimate drama.
To wear goloshes ; and

Not to send anymore jokes to Punch. [This last is " a detail,"
and it need not trouble our Correspondent. Our "Waste-Basket is
large.—P.]

GOOD SCENTS.

A well-kxowx perfumer provides nearly all the "West End
Theatres with scented programmes. The same scent everywhere.
He is the real scentsor of plays, as Me. W. B. Doni^e has probably
said. But— Ach Himmel !

Mister Rimmel,

Couldn't you vary the monotony of your proceedings with an occa-
sional something else ? Can't you give us the Adelphi scent, the
Princess's scent, the Globe Bouquet, the—in fact, anything for a
change ? Think over it, and let Mr. Punch, when he holds your
newest programme in his delicate hand, not say of it what Hamlet
did of the skull, but on the contrary, bless your ingenuity in the
manufacturing of essences for the benefit of the Nineteenth scentury.

N.B.—"Why not dedicate a perfume to the Vaudeville, and call it
The Two Noses f Also the Parfum de Parry might be a graceful
compliment to Mb. Albert ; and, d propos, we trust that the odds
are in favour of his new comedy at the Montague J amesandThorne
Theatre.

Lines to Mr. Lowe.

Ne'eb throw away bootlaces snapt in twos,
One bootlace will suffice a pair of shoes.