Punch: Punch (60.1871)

January 28, 1871.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. ^

WHO WILL TEACH THE TEACHERS?

no, indeed ? Now that uni-
versal education is the order
of the day, and everybody
has decided upon educating
everybody, the question
where to get the teachers is
becoming a momentous one,
and everybody nearly is en-
deavouring to answer it. A
correspondent of the Times
fills a column and a quarter
with his notions on the sub-
ject, and tells us he considers
training-colleges for teach-
ers are the only source by
which sufficient educating
power can be nationally
supplied. It appears from
the statistics wherewith he
backs his arguments, that
in 1869

" 25,342 teachers had charge of
an average of 1,062,999 scholars,
or there was one teacher * * for
rather less than 42 scholars."

Forty-two to one are longish odds against a master, and one can
hardly wonder at the ignorance of people who never had a chance of
being taught by something better than the forty-second fraction of
a man. But it is estimated now that " in England and Wales
teachers will be needed for more than 3,500,000 scholars," and there
is therefore ample reason why our present training-colleges, which,
if full, can only furnish and keep up a staff of five-and-twenty
thousand teachers, should be increased and made sufficient for the
work they ought to do. These colleges are not so attractive to yormg
men as those at Oxford or at Cambridge, for it seems_ in sixty-nine
there were not twelve thousand teachers from them in our schools.
So the suggestion is thrown out that scholarships be founded, "to
be awarded annually, upon competition, to the best pupil-teachers
completing their apprenticeship." It is thought that such a bait
will catch a shoal of candidates ; and it is suggested that '' the trials
of teaching in classes should be conducted before some master of a
model school." As, doubtless, every master deems his school a model
one, there may be some slight trouble in deciding who shall be the
happy man elected to occupy this post. Perhaps the wiser course
would be to confide the duty to the hands of Mr. Punch. Elemen-
tary education is not much in his way, but Lord Lawrence very
probably when Governor of India had small notion of becoming
Chairman here in London of an Education Board. Elementary
education does not merely mean an education in the elements ; and,
even if it did, Mr. Punch knows quite enough of earth and air and
water to stand the fire of criticism on any of the questions he, as
Model Schoolmaster, might see fit to propose. With what sort of
test-questions Mr. Punch would teach the teachers, he will not for
worlds now venture to proclaim. Still, as a smattering of every-
thing, from chemistry to classicality, and from history to hydro-
statics, is by many folks considered elementary education, the
following may serve as well as any other as a sample of the problems
Mr. Punch, in his omniscience, might determine to put forth :—

1. Who invented plum-pudding ? And what did he do with it,
after he invented it ?

2. Who were the Gracchi ? And did their mother know when
they happened to be out ?

3. Why, except for profit, do so-called Christian butchers raise
the price of Christmas beef ?

4. Do you know the question whereof this is the answer, Because
one is a mistletoe and the other is a missal too ?

5. History relates that next morning he repented of that last
cigar he smoked. Of whom is this related, and where is the record
writ ?

6. An ounce of ozone is as heavy as a feather-weight of oxygen.
Describe the process of determining this interesting fact.

7. Was it Junius or Julius Cjesar who said that England's best
bulwarks were her wooden heads ?

8. Can a bill at sight be legally made payable at a Blind Asylum ?

9. Multiply £983,257 8s. Ud. by £3,429,628 7s. 6fc/., and divide
the proceeds between the Hospital for Incurables and the Idiot
Asylum.

10. In what year were the Greek Calends established ? How
many were there, and what was their relation to the Three Calenders
in the Arabian Nights 9

11. Why does an English cook, when she wants to broil a chop,
make up such a fire as is enough to broil an elephant ?

12. State, from history, your reasons for believing that Alfree
the Great was in reality a dwarf.

NEW FORM OF AUTOGIIAPH-BEGGIKG.
Dear Sir,

Having a desire to possess the autographs of distinguished
persons, I respectfully take the liberty of soliciting your signature.
But, desiring that it should be inscribed upon something less com-
mon-place than a scrap like this, I venture to ask you to place it ar
the foot of one of those pieces of tinted paper to be found in your
cheque-book, and forward. I will not trouble you further, but
when I shall have prefixed to your signature a few words and figures:
in accordance with a certain entry in my ledger—one to which I have
had the honour of calling your attention at several half-yearly in-
tervals—I will cause the document to be deposited, for safety, at a
well-known banking establishment, and this course will, I trust,
explain to you the value which I shall set upon your autograph.
Your early reply will oblige, Sir,

Your obedient Servant,
To Sir Lionel Pattlecash, Burt. Timothy Jones.

piano! piano:

The Musical World contradicts a report that Madame Arabella
Goddard meditates retiring from public life. It was proper that
the report should be contradicted, although no one believed it.
Madame Arabella Goddard will retire from public life when Mr.
Punch shall request her to do so, and not until then. We may add,
that that lady is engaged to perform a symphony, in honour of his
Hundredth Volume, which will appear twenty years hence, and she
will continue to perform publicly on all fitting occasions in the mean-
time. It is a good while since he wrote of

" the gifted Miss Goddard,
"Whom with admiration all the critical squad heard,"

■but his affections are as unaltered as her powers, or rather, botli
have strengthened by time. Bless him, how elegantly he can turn a
compliment when he gives his mind to it!

PARLIAMENTARY ECONOMY,

The saying that "Half a loaf is better than no bread" is a
perfect truism, but a defective proverb. Half a loaf is, indeed, in
so far as it can sustain life, a great deal better than no bread what-
soever. But half an Army is not, likewise, better than no Army at
all. On the contrary, if half an Army means an Army not more
than half enough to suffice for national defence, it is worse than no
Army. It is worse by the money which it costs, and the taxation
which it therefore necessitates, that is, by so much useless expense.
What is true of the Army is equally true of the Navy. Do you
hear, Gentlemen of the House of Commons, about to waste breath,
and perhaps money ?

ALL IN THE FAMILY.

" A curious discovery has been made among Lord Palmerston's papers,
namely, his manuscript Diary of two visits to Paris, in the eventful years
1814 and 1815. As the Diary was found only after the publication of the
Life by Sir H. Bulwer, the Hon. Cowper Temple will give it to the public
through the Temple Bar magazine."

The Hon. Cowper Temple has evidently an eye for the fitness of
things, in selecting the Temple Bar magazine as the proper channel
for the publication of the Diary of Henry John Temple, Yiscount
Palmerston.

Comfort for the Afflicted.

This is a luxurious age. Our houses, churches, schools, gaols,
museums, &c, are warmed with hot air or water ; and now it seems
that even our musical instruments are to be made comfortable
by similar means, for we see advertised "Warm keys (for cold
hands), in pianos and harmoniums."

new invention in firearms.

The Betty-Martini Rifie. It will possess all the disadvantages of
the Brown Bess and the Henry-Martini.

Company Drill."—Instructing the Servants before your Pariy.