Punch: Punch (60.1871)

February 18, 1871.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 69

, _ _..,.Alir,r of Drinking, Smoking, Snuff-taking, Scandal, mist-playing, Sleep-

CAPE DIAMONDS AND DRINK. |ing in either House of Parliament, and Sitting up later than

a¥ & all precious
stones; from
East India
those Drought
are

The highest es-
teemed for
their splendour
of shine.
South African dia-
monds so rank
in water

That they corre-
spond to South
African wine.

Twelve o'Clock at Night, except hy a Special Licence from the
Archbishop of Canterbury.

BEAUTIFUL
PARIS.

Does any Chris-
tian, with a spare
rive-pound note in
his possession need
any urging to sub-
scribe it to the fund
now being raised to
feed the starving

poor of Paris ? If so; let him read, what it gladdens Punch to
paote from, an interesting letter in the Daily News :—

TOUCHING WEATHER.

The Weather was first introduced into conversation at a dinner
party at St. Swithin's.

After many weeks of frost, snow, sleet, ice, aurora borealis, chil-
blains, cutting winds, falls on the pavement, rise in the price
of coals, scarcity and rapacity of cabs and omnibuses, water bought
by the bucket, bad colds, rheumatism, and a diurnally growing
reluctance to get up and shave in the morning—one, or at the most
two unusually mild days, causes grumbling, discontent, impatience
of winter clothing, ingratitude towards good fires, and even forget-
fulness of the extraordinary behaviour of the plumber, in not
coming the moment you (simultaneously with about sixteen other
furious householders) sent for him when the pipes burst, the night
of your wife's little dance.

(Vice versa.) After an unusually hot Summer, horror of bed-
clothes, abuse of black hats, general looseness of attire, head-gear
gracefully festooned with white handkerchiefs, abandonment to cool
drinks, "not a dry thread" on you, and incessant quotation of
Sydney Smith's aphorism about taking off your flesh and sitting in
your bones—one, or at the outside two coldish days, produces shiver-
ings, shakings, shawls, and shrugged shoulders, longings for a fire,
thoughts of overcoats, and requisitions for another blanket.

They have no weather in the Moon—consequently little or no
conversation.

The Clerk of the Weather is of the same family as Jack Frost,
uote irom, an interesting letter in me jvuuy ivews :— Hoyle, Cocker, Mrs. Grundy, Mrs. Harris, Mrs. Mala prop,

The great and beautiful feature of the siege has been the absence of and the Oldest Inhabitant. His biography yet remains to be written,
rime. No murders, no robberies, but a virtue in which to me there is some- , Derangement of the digestive organs irritability of temper, family

thing pathetic. The half-lit streets are empty by half-past nine.'

And all this without a policeman in the place !

Well, cynics may sneer at Parisian frivolity ; but there is some-
thing not quite frivolous in a people that for four months can keep
their roughs in order by merely moral force. How should we fare
in London were our policemen all withdrawn, and half the gas-
lamps left unlit ? We fear that London's difficulty would be Bill
Sikes's opportunity, and our burglars and garotters would have a
jolly time of it.

FORTHCOMING LEGISLATION.

The Queen's Speech, having so much to say about the affairs of
foreign nations, could only mention a few of the measures relating
to our own concerns which are understood to be readj- for introduc-
tion this Session.

Mr. Punch, having been favoured with a private view of some of
the more important of these Bills, hastens, while the cold weather
makes brisk exercise agreeable, to lay them before his constant
readers.

A Bill to restrict the Number of Portraits in the Annual Exhibi-
tion of the Royal Academy.

A Bill for the Establishment of a Cheerful Newspaper.

A Bill for the Introduction of Uniformity in the Length of the
Months of the Year. [This is a measure which will do away with
much uncertainty and confusion, and render unnecessary many
milliards of questions at present of annual recurrence.]

A Bill for the better Regulation of the Practice of asking Eminent
Characters for their Autographs.

A Bill for the Total Abolition of Encores, Fees, and Gratuities at
Places of Public Entertainment.

A Bill to reduce the Exorbitant Price of Oysters.

A Bill to render Women liable to Serve on Juries in Courts of
Law, on Coroners' Inquests, &c. [The principle of this measure is,
that as women claim to share with men the privilege of the franchise,
&c, they should also be called upon to take their part in more
disagreeable duties.]

A Bill for Erecting another Opera House in London—two, one of
which has never yet been used, not appearing sufficient.

A Bin to restrain Photographers from putting Likenesses in their
Windows, against the express Wish and Injunction of the Persons
misrepresented.

A Bill for the better Regulation of Penny-a-lying.

A Bill for the Supervision, by Salaried Official Inspectors appointed
after open Competition, of the Costume of Public Waiters.

A Bill to provide Costermongers and other Itinerant Vendors with
Vocal Instruction.

A Bill to subject all Young Men wearing an Eye-glass to Surgical
Examination. And,

A Bill for the Total, Immediate, and Unconditional Abolition

differences, suLkiness, sleepiness, sleeplessness, suicide, shooting
corns, shirts of indifferent colour, pains in the joints, hair out of
curl, tough mutton, and inability to fulfil an engagement to join a
slow party, are all the Weather.

The next Census returns will show how many persons were talk-
ing about the Weather on the night of Sunday the 2nd of April.

Meteorology is a most useful science ; it would be still more so, if
we could rely on it always to tell us what is in the wind.

Who was the gay, witty, brilliant, volatile Frenchman that said
we had one sauce and many—weathers ? Was it Talleyrand, or
Marmontel, or Anacharsis Ialootz ?

If there was no uncertainty about our Weather, if it was always
monotonously fine, with no fogs, no protracted absences of the sun,
no heavy showers to be caught in, no equinoctial gales, no hailstones
the size of pullets' eggs, and no east wind—what would become of
small talk ! We should have to invent new openings for conversa-
tion, as they do for chess.

The Weather exhausts us, but we shall never exhaust the Weather.
Blessings on the Weather!

" CONCERNING PRINCESSES."

Her Majesty is stated to have ordered that the mark indicative of
shortness shaU be placed over the second vowel in the name of the
Princess Helena (thus, " Helena") in the Peerages._ Loyal to the
utmost, Mr. Punch takes leave to promote his Sovereign's intention
by presenting her subjects with a mnemonic rhyme, though one
W. Shakspeare has already indicated the proper accent, in the line,
" Not Hesmia, but Helena I love."

Persons are not to pronounce H.R.H.'s name as they would do in
this couplet,

" Never in England was seen a
Princess more kind than Helena,"

But as they would in this one—

" Christian declares there's a spell in a
Song, when 'tis sung by his Helena."

This duty discharged, this pleasure enjoyed, may Mr. Punch,
with the utmost respect, ask whether the Peerages ought not to make
another alteration? He reads in Dehrett, and in Bod, thai the
18th March, 1848, was the birthday of Prjncess Louisa Caroline
Alberta, in whose happiness all her Royal Mother's subjects are
rejoicing. The Court Circular has varied H.R.H.'s name to
"Louise," so that when we have come 0n the former name in the
books, we may say with the late Mr. Wordsworth,

" I met Louisa m the shade."

If the Court Circularian acts, as he doubtless cloth, Jussu, a second
order will probably be addressed to the editors of the invaluable
volumes to which Mr. Punch has referred. [Are 7231 Correspondents
satisfied ? P.]

Vol. go

3