Punch: Punch (60.1871)

May 6, 1871.]

PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

179

been bad indeed tbat the Life Assurance money, perhaps their only-
provision, should have been pillaged. But it is not a good thing
that the Income-tax should be raised to Sixpence; and if we look
at this course merely from an aesthetic point of view, we are struck
with the utter absence of inventive genius in the Cabinet. Mr.
Punch could have shown Me. Lowe a dozen better ways of raising
the money.

Friday. Disorganisation went on with its work. Loed Palsiee-
ston's step-son, Me. Cowpee Tempee, gave the Ministers a most
tremendous beating. And, moreover, he was in the right, and they
were in the wrong. He demanded the preservation of Epping
Forest, which is in a fair, or rather a foul way to ruin. Both Me.
Lowe and the Peemiee put forth their strength against him, but
the House backed him tip, and Government were beaten by the
huge majority of 197 to 96—a salute of 101 guns in honour of the
Forest. If Members would only go and look at it (as Mr. Punch
did the other day), they would be ashamed to reflect that they had
left it in danger so long. Censure of the Martini-Henry rifle was
attempted, but it was stamped out by common-sense, evidence, and
a majority of 137 to 72.

The Lords' Week has not been interesting, but a good Bill has
been brought in for getting rid of the scandal of Bankrupt Peers.
An Anti-Westmeath Outrage Bill has also been brought in, but
it has not been expounded. Everything Irish must be done in
some inverted fashion—we wonder that the Minister did not begin
by getting the Loyal Assent, and then hark back.

THE OFFICIAL CUT-ME-DOWNS.

Aee there not certain fox-hunting districts called, among the men
of Nimrod, " cut-me-down ? " At all events that epithet is appli-
cable to some departments of the Public Service which the Govern-
ment has subjected to a very close-shaving economy. One <- f these
is the Post Office, about which the Standard's very able Dublin
correspondent thus writes:—

" If the public only knew the miserable salaries paid to the rural post-
masters and mistresses in Ireland, they would have far less confidence in the
Post Office than they have at present and be more chary of entrusting
valuables or money orders to its custody."

People, even the scrupulous Irish, are apt, no less than cats and
dogs, to steal rather than starve. Accordingly :—

" At Galway, yesterday, a woman named King, late post-mistress at Eound-
stone, was convicted on her own confession of having opened a letter contain-
ing a post-bill for £44, forged the name of the person in whose favour it was
drawn, and obtained the money, of which when detected she returned £32.
She was sentenced to twelve months' imprisonment, which of course she
deserved ; but as it was proved on the trial that her salary for the discharge
of arduous and responsible duties was only £7 per annum, out of which she had
to pay £1 10s. to a guarantee society, it may be fairly questioned whether the
greater share of culpability does not rest with the heads of the postal adminis-
tration who expose ill-paid officials to such great temptations."

Now, the Government naturally cut down all the salaries of their
subordinates they can without any worse result than that of
beggaring or of starving those subordinates. Of course, because
economy wins popularity, and popularity insures office.

Dockyard labourers may say they must live. Ministers do not see
the necessity of that, unless the men are to remain dockyard
labourers. But if so, then the necessity must be evident, even to
Ministers ; and so in the case of post-masters, post-mistresses, and
letter-carriers. For dead men and women sort no letters, neither do
they deliver any.

The halfpenny postage of cards and newspapers is a great boon to
the British Public, and also the Irish. All the postal reductions are
great boons. Whilst it makes a vast difference to everybody in easy
circumstances whether he pays a halfpenny or a penny postage, it
would, we all feel, signify nothing to him if he knew the saving had
been effected, through cutting down the wages of inferior Post-office
people to any degree above starving-point, so long as famine did
not drive those people to break open letters, and steal. But then,
unfortunately, it does. We, the Public, therefore, have to consider
whether or no we had rather continue to insist on the cheapest pos-
sible postage at the risk of occasioning an individual now and then
to be plundered for the advantage of the community, or consent to
let the Government pay the underpaid of the Post Office sufficient
wages to place them above the temptation to steal. Of course,
the cheapest possible postage must be the sole object with aU of us
who need not fear being robbed of Post Office orders ; but the rest,
who do, should unite in assuring the Government that its members
will really not endanger their own places and pay by raising the
estimates to an amount sufficient for such payment of Post officials
at least, as shall enable them to subsist without theft.

Besides, there is this to be considered, that not even a letter-carrier
can now be hanged for letter-breaking, and that he must, if con-
demned to penal servitude, be kept in prison; which costs money.

TESTS OF TENSION.

(Not to say Tightness.)

S for this Licensing Bill,
Mr. Punch, of Home-
Secretary Bet/ce, impos-
ing heavy penalties on
drunkenness in person, and
on publicans for serving
customers already drunk.
Very proper; but, Sir,
ought there not to be laid
down by enactment some
definition of what consti-
tutes drunkenness ? Is a
man, for instance, to be
deemed drunk, and liable
to a ffne of twenty shil-
lings, as soon as his
'' tongue begins to double ?''
What would you say to a
clause in Me. Beuce's Bill
to this effect?—"Be it
enacted, and it is hereby
enacted, that any person
whosoever shall be held
and considered to be
Drunk, who, not labour-
ing under any natural
impediment of Speech, or
temporary loss, or impair-
ment thereof otherwise
than from drinking wine, beer, or spirituous liquors, shall be unable,
when summoned by lawful Authority, distinctly to say ' British
Constitution '." _ It woidd be hard to be pronounced drunk for de-
fective pronunciation very possibly owing only to muscular and
nervous disturbance caused by a small quantity of bad liquor.
The same remark is applicable to inability to walk straight. In
some rural districts a clown is often met going home zigzag, in con-
sequence of having swallowed a pint only of beershop beer.

" How many fingers do I hold up ? " is a question which might be
suggested as a test of intoxication or sobriety. As such you can
only judge of it subjectively. Personal reminiscence enables me to
assure you that a man may see double, because he has dined, and
yet be in a state of complete mental sobriety. I had, myself, some
years ago, dined, and after dinner found myself in a theatre. Each
one of the performers I saw as two. Thereupon I began to think
why this was; why, observe, not whence, for I knew that well
enough, knowing that I had dined. To examine that question by
experiment I shut first one eye then the other, and found that,
looking at an object with one eye at a time, I saw it single, saw it
doiible only with both eyes open. Hence I inferred that the cause
which occasions objects to be seen double after dining (as I had
dined) probably was simply a derangement of the nerves and muscles
of the eye-balls ; the muscles of either eye-ball contracting not in
conjunction but unequally, so as to pull the eyes out of concert, and
make a person look at things, and see them, with each eye by itself
instead of with both eyes at once. Push one eye out of relation to the
other with your finger, and you will immediately see double with-
out having dined. Duplicity of vision would, surely, be no criterion
of criminal drunkenness, even if it could be detected by a detective,
still less in case, merely, that a common policeman swore to it. Did
it not in my own person coexist with a philosophy worthy of
Soceates at a Symposium, when he had seen all his disciples under
the table ? However, I do not mean to compare myself with Soceates,
except as to features perhaps, and figure, in which particulars 1
have the honour to resemble that Sage, and am also qualified to say
that I am yours truly, Silent/s.

P.S. When, late of an evening after dinner, men begin to talk
theology, is that evidence of the state whose prevention is intended
by the Licensing Bill ? I fear you will say, yes.

A Painful Thought.

It is said to have been expected that the Irish would have joined
in the Bed Bepublican procession to Hyde Park. There is reason to
rejoice that they did no such thing. The procession was intended to
demonstrate sympathy with gentlemen of the pavement who mal-
treat and imprison French priests, an Archbishop even, pull the
Cross down, and set up the Bed Flag in its place. The Irish would
have mingled with it only with a view to upset it, and probably
given the sympathisers with rioters whom they detest, a severe
beating, which would have been painful, at least to Red Republicans,
who, when next they announce a demonstration, had better, perhaps,
mention that no Irish need attend.