Punch: Punch (70.1876)

January 15, 1876.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

9

RELIEF AND REACTION.

An Egyptian- Tragedy in Two Acts.-Part I.—Relief.

Scene.—A Saloon in the Palace of the Khedive, handsomely furnished. The Khedive and his First Minister discovered.

hedive {gloomily). Tell me, thou pale-faced
slave, have the French Dogs any more cash to
lend me ?

First Minister. Light of Lights of Splendour,
they keep their.money-bags tight-fastened.

Khedive {more gloomily). And the German
Pigs?

First Minister. They, too, Sweetness of
Sweet Waters, refuse to negotiate our hills.
May their beards grizzle in Gehennum!

Khedive {most gloomily). And the Russian
Unbelievers ?

First Minister. Oh, thou Elect of the Pro-
phet, they, too, higgle and haggle, and give
lis nothing. May their shadows be less than
nothing!

Khedive {after a pause, despondently). And
the Austrian Giaours ?

First Minister. The same story.
Khedive {interriipting savagely). Bungling
dog, hast thou offered them eighty-five per
cent. ?

First Minister. Bulbul of the Garden of
Delights, I have offered them anything and
everything.

Khedive. And thou hast failed! Now, by
the father of Bowstrings, on my eyes be it if
I be not the death of thee !

[About to sentence the Prime Minister to
instant execution, tvJien enter Second
Minister (of the Menus Plaisirs.)

Second Minister Oh, Pride of the Just, I
bring thee good tidings.

Khedive. Ha! {holding out his hand.) Give
me the money-y-quick!

Second Minister. 0 Blossom of the Fruit-
trees of Pleasure, as Vet it is but promised!
The English--_

Khedive {pondering). The dogs are wealthy ;
and vet—thrice accursed be their ancestors
and descendants !—they dearly love money's
worth for their money. "What do they want ?

Second Minister. They offer £4,000,000, on
condition that-

Khedive (jjromjjtly). .May Conditions eat dirt!
Not another word! Get the money. When
that is safe, we can speak of the conditions.
Not another-frord, I say! The money—get the
money!

[Scene closes in, amid great rejoicings.
{Three months are supposed to elapse.)

PART II.—REACTION.

Scene.—A Saloon in the Palace of the Khedive,
still more handsomely furnished _ than
before. The Khedive and the First Minister
discovered.

Khedive {referring to a long list which he holds
in his hand). Most despicable of dogs, thou
hast arranged about the Opera Season ?

First Minister. 0 Pomegranate of Sweetness,
I have.

Khedive. Thou hast ordered the new Palace

and the diamond necklace for the—(eraser hurriedly, Second
Minister)—Well, dog, thy news ?

Second Minister {trembling). Lord of Lords, I dare not tell thee.

Khedive {angrily). ..By the Beard of the Prophet, has our
Prima Donna thrown up her engagement ?

Second Minister. Worse than that, O Lump of Delight! I crave
thy pardon on my bended knees !

Khedive {savagely). Ihave.it.! The. Viennese Ballet Dancers have
not arrived!

Second Minister {crying piteously). Worse than' that, 0 Lord of
the Faithful! Worse even than that!

First'Minister {maliciously). • Ha-! I know the cause of his fears.
The English Dog, called-cave, • has arrived. The audacious infidel
that he {pointing to Second Minister) invited to our shores.

Khedive {with terrible calmness). Well, and what is he doing ?

Second Minister {trembling with abject fear). He is asking-

Khedive {still terribly calm). Proceed! The English Dog is

asking-pr**:

Second Minister {in despair). How we have spent our money!
Khedive {astounded). What! Surely my ears deceive me! Say
it again, thou most abject of beaten pigs !—say it again !

First Minister {maliciously). He says—O Perfection of Wisdom!
—that the English Dog is asking how we spend our money !

Khedive. Rahat lakoum ! Gurra-gurra ! Be cheshm ! Salaam
Aleikoom ! Wallah Billah, Bismillah !*

[Fearful explosion. Swords, pistols, resignations, and awful
Transformation Scene, including all the Ministers of the
Khedive. Cave out and Cave in. Stock-Exchange Spill
and Pelt on all the Bourses of Europe {no rally). Stam-
pede of Bulls pursued by Bears. Scene closes.

* Egyptian expressions too awful for translation.—Ed.