Punch: Punch (70.1876)

January 22, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 13

the work of Nature, even as the golden beading acts as a frame to
the work of Art.

Nothing is prettier than a sweet face peeping out of a becoming
hood, and yet Madam Fashion prefers a sugar-loaf hat or a bunch
of artificial flowers tacked on to a square inch of straw or a morsel
of muslin. She gives up charming frames for grotesque and ugly
capitals. Under these circumstances, Mr. Punch advises his fair
friends to make Madam Fashion their slave in lieu of their
mistress. During the winter, at least, Ladies should wear hoods or
warm bonnets—which may be made eminently becoming—instead of
the tasteless and useless abominations which now usurp the name.
They will find the change, they may take Mr. Punch's word for it,
not only better for their health, but (what is far more important in
their eyes), decidedly conducive to their attractiveness.

INSTRUCTION FOR THE UNIVERSE.

ost Profound
Ma. Punch,
You had better
look to your laurels,
as the reporters say.
There exists an Uni-
versal Oracle else-
where, Sir, than at
85, Fleet Street.
Above another portal
than your office-
door it may now be
written:—

" Hie stupor est mundi
qui seibile discutit
omne."

Moreover that other
Astonishment of the
World knows all he
talks about, as Avell
as you do. Omni-
science, said to have
been the late Dr.
AVhewell's foible,
is another's forte,
as well as yours.
Who is that other ?

Tou are told in the following paragraph of news, if truly
reported:—

" Cardinal Manning last night opened the Aeademia of the Catholic
religion in Manchester. The object of this institution is to promote the study
of the Roman Catholic religion, to oppose the errors of the day, to preserve
the young from the influence of such errors, and to provide lectures on literary,
historical, and scientific subjects in connection with Catholicism. In the
course of the proceedings the Cardinal delivered an address, in which he
maintained that the Catholic Church is the true exponent of revelation,
science, history, politics, and morals."

Of course, Mr. Punch, this Oracle has alwavs been at the service
of Christendom, though nobody knew that till'1870, when the Vati-
can Council declared the Pope infallible. The Universal Oracle
has always existed at Pome in the form of the Pope for the time
being. There Infallibility and Holiness combined have ever, from
the pontificate of St. Peter downwards, impersonated the Infallible
Church—infallible in its dogmas not only de fide et moribus, but also
de rebus cunctis et quibusdam aliis.

Now, thanks to the electric telegraph, for the invention of which,
primarily, mankind are indebted to the only true exponent (besides
yourself) of all science and all truth, whether sacred or secular, the
Oracle of Pome has branch Oracles in sundry places, notably at
Manchester, where Cardinal _ Manning opened the Aeademia, and
in Westminster, where he resides. The Archbishop of Canterbury
can grant degrees, but is not supposed to pretend to know, for
instance, how far a recipient is qualified for the diploma of Doctor of
Medicine. There the Archbishop of Westminster has the advan-
tage of him, through connection of the local with the central Oracle.
Unluckily, any degrees he might be authorised to confer would
perhaps not be recognised by the Medical Council. It is deplorable
that_ bigotry should impede the rapid advancement in scientific
Medicine, Physiology, Chemistry, and all the collateral sciences,
which would necessarily result from due concession to an infallibly
true exponent of science, no less than of revelation, history, politics,
and morals.

The true exposition of History, Mr. Punch, you will allow, is
conditional on the true exposition of Science. The former and the
latter taken together will set the story of Galileo, for instance, in
the right light; and demonstrate that astronomical truth, like all
other, originated from Rome.

Now that the Aeademia of the Catholic Peligion is established at
Manchester, Professors Tyndalx. and Huxley-, Mr. Darwin, and
all the rest of our naturalists and philosophers, had better go there
to school. So had Mr. Carlyle, who is not too old to learn ; so had
Mr. Froude, so had every other historian; so had both Mr. Glad-
stone and Mr. Disraeli—especially Mr. Gladstone ; so had all
politicians ; so had every moralist—except you.

Perhaps no long time will elapse before the Catholic Aeademia of
Manchester shall have published a Catholic Encyclopedia for our
instruction in all things, particularly on the subjects of the Begin-
ning of Life, Development, and Origin of Species, the Age of Man-
kind, the Antiquity of the World, the Functions of the Brain, and
Physiology and Geology at large. In this publication we may also
expect that the true exponent of History will unfold the annals of
Chemistry, Electricity, Steam, and Mechanics, and show that the
modern great conquests of Nature by means of Science were none of
them the exploits of Protestant Priestleys, Davys, Farad ays,
AVatts, Stephensons,_ AVheatstones, or any heretics whomsoever,
but all so many victories won by soldiers of the Faith. And surely
the compilers of this useful volume will, while they are about it,
not forget to prove (by infallible assertion) that the initiative of all
great moral reforms, which have elevated humanity, signally that
of the Abolition of Slavery and the Slave Trade was taken by the
one true exponent of everything that is good, either in an Allocu-
tion, or an Encyclical, or a Brief, if not a Bull. Infallibility cannot
conflict with Infallibility, otherwise, Sir, you might perhaps be
pleased to consider whether you had not better be beforehand with
its other Claimants in bringing out a Dictionary of Universal Truth,
for the diffusion of knowledge and enlightenment, and the acceler-
ation of Progress.

THE MONITOR OF THE OPPOSITION.
" Vemon nunquam viret."
(To the great Trilogical Druid, Punch greeting.)

Lash, Sir Dejiocritus Harcourt, laughing philosopher rude,
Fools who Power from afar court ere on their grasp it obtrude.
Sharp and sagacious physician, your diagnosis is right—
No plague of Opposition like itch for ill-chosen fight:
Men who their buckrams or grograms would change for purple and
gold

Go hawking about their programmes on paper, marvellous bold;
Pert and pestilent praters, confounding to do and to say,
And scorning Fabius Cunctators, who wait for the right time of day.
Why weave intrigues sinister for whirling parties about ?
Wait, and the ablest Minister is sure to turn himself out.
Whether Lib'ral or Tory the tar whose trick's at the helm,
Onto her port of glory he '11 steer Old England's realm.
Blunders—of course. AVould the Nation one Party in power
entrench ?

'Tis blunders bring healthy rotation of crops on the Treasury Bench.
But are there no questions that burn on next Session's liberal list,
That you, sharp-sighted Sir Vernon, come out as a Negativist ?
True, better aught than maintain Mob for king with his toadies and
tools,

And with husks for good grain fob off the hunger of fools,
Yet 'twere well to protest against telling the world to stand still;
Of eloquence where is the test like fruit of work with a will ?
England, the Enrpire Nation—niille pardons, other Great Powers—
Brooks not 'faineant''s station in these hurried, headlong hours ;
And he that 'mong England's leaders aspires a place to seek,
Needs, to win followers and readers, the power to do more than speak.

"A CHARMING FELLOAV."

It is not every Gentleman, or Gentleman's Gentleman either, who
can say as much for himself as does this modest advertiser :—

WANTED, a Situation as Butler and Valet, or Travelling Servant^
Used to the Continent. Speaks four languages. Understands hunting

things.

A useful servant this, no doubt; but, with a view to an engage-
ment, he might be more explicit. For instance, why does he not
name the languages he speaks ? Suppose he is a Welshman, and is
conversant with Hindostanee, Hebrew, and Chinese; his knowledge
of four languages would really be remarkable, though not pecu-
liarly serviceable in Continental travel. Then again, what are the
" things " which he understands hunting ? Are they rats and mice,
and such smaR deer; or elephants and tigers, and other nobler
animals ? Or can he be conveying a delicate allusion to the '' things "
which are unnameable, but which are so commonly hunted after
nightfall by tourists on the Continent, and indeed are too well
known to need more identification ?