Punch: Punch (70.1876)

January 29, 1876.] PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAKIVARI. 27

CAVEAT NAVIGATOR.

ome recent revela-
tions have rendered
it almost impera-
tive that intending
voyagers by any
ocean steamers, with
the exception of cer-
tain favoured ones,
upon which Mr.
Punch occasion-
ally, Camillalike,
"skims the main,"
should make care-
ful investigations
and arrangements
before purchasing
their tickets.

The intending pas-
senger shoidd claim
the right of exa-
mining the entire
cargo, in order to
ascertain whether
any dynamite is on
board.

After this, a care-
ful inspection of the
coals should be
made, in case any

torpedoes should have been introduced among..them; As each
lump would have to be examined separately, this might occupy
some timeout to the apprehensive mind it would be indispensable.

This done, the water-tight compartments should be carefully
examined, the intending passenger claiming the right to close them
and fasten them with padlocks, the keys of which he should imme-
diately place in his'pocket.

A descent into the lower hold would then be necessary, in order to
ascertain whether any mechanical " rats " were at work, or ready to
begin their work of boring holes through the ship's bottom.

Presuming that all had gone well so far, an arrangement should
be made with the captain, by which the intending passenger should
be at^liberty to see that every light is extinguished on board at a
given, hour, while insisting, besides, on the right of keeping for
himself.a private look-out ahead as a precaution against collisions,
particularly in quarters frequented by Her Majesty's cruisers.

Afterjbemg rowed round the vessel, in order to inspect the load-
line, it would be'advisable that the intending passenger should go
ashore'and make'his will, at the same time taking u tender farewell
of his friends, and relatives.

These few preliminaries being adjusted, there would be no objec-
tion to paying .for the ticket and proceeding again on board, it
being,* of course understood that the intending passenger has a
Boyton dress, or, perhaps, a collapsible boat in preference, and (if
his means permit) has chartered a private steamer, or stout sea-
going tug, to sail in company with the vessel in which he is going,
in case of accident.

Other precautions might, of course, be taken, but the above would,
we believe, go far towards tranquiBising a nervous temperament, and
even ensuring sound sleep, at more or less widely separated intervals
of time.

EXPERIMENT IN STREET-CLEANING.

Readers of the Pock will probably rejoice to find it therein stated
that—

"A Carman was brought on Tuesday before the Loud Mayor, charged
with unlawfully using profane, indecent, and obscene language in Billings-
gate Market. The charge was made at the instance of a Committee appointed
at a recent wardmote for the purpose of endeavouring to put down the practice
of using foul language."

This Carman might as well have carried coals to Newcastle, as
bad language to Billingsgate. We are told he was dismissed with a
caution from his Lordship, which we hope may render him more
cleanly in his speech.

Perhaps, when Billingsgate is purified, and the neighbourhood
adjacent, the Committee may extend their work to the West End.
A stroll on Sunday'in the Parks, or the thoroughfares contiguous,
might convince them that bad language is not confined to Billings-
gate, and that juvenile offenders need to be corrected quite as fully
as adults. Filthy words are used by children of both sexes, who
appear to take a pleasure in bawling them aloud. How to cleanse
these little foul mouths is a great social question, which we fear that

the Committee (to whom we wish good speed most heartily) will find
it hard to solve. In morals, as in medicine, a foul tongue is a
certain indication of disease, and when children are afflicted with
it, they may be bettered sometimes by a dose from Dr. Birch.

A WARNING FROM NEPTUNE.

Britannia ! Hoy! Belay, my lass! What's all this yarn I hear
About this last new notion of the go-ahead Engineer ?
Come, take a seat here at my feet, where oft you've sat and heard
Your old salt-sea-sire's voice, whose ring your blood has ever stirred.

Of late you've used me scurvily. I've blushed for very shame
At things that brutes and bunglers have done to soil your name :
Scuttled ships, sunken seamen, and Slave-Circulars are not
The sort of things to feed my pride, or keep your blue from blot.

Boyton and Webb I winked at. I liked the Briton's grit.
If the Yankee's gutta-percha suit seemed to me a misfit,
We '11 pass all that. But this new game is coming it too strong.
Take Nep's advice, and stop it, girl; the C.E.'s are all wrong.

The best gift you owe destiny is old Nep's emerald ring,
To break it, for whatever bribe, will never blessing bring.
Your Engineers are clever, but they '11 serve you ill who seek
To rob you of the safeguard of your guarding Silver Streak.

I set you 'midst my subject seas and girdled in with, foam

Your isle for freedom's fortress, its altar and its home.

Beware, lass, how you break the spell! Think not my words a joke,—

'Tis sea-bonds clinch the fibres of your English Hearts of Oak.

To bore beneath or build above the barrier set by me

Between your bastion cliffs and foes and rivals over-sea,

Is casting carelessly away your citadel's best guard,

Where patriot vigilance should keep its keenest watch and ward.

Eh? ■" Selfish insularity " ? Britannia, my lass,
Don't be the fool of phrases ! Helpful sympathy will pass,
By lightning flash, or force of cash, or steel—should need arise ;
You will not want a Tunnel, girl, to carry such supplies.

But foot-dry passage fixed and fast might bring your foes to you,
Or help your mutineers,—such may be in every crew.
You 're far more stout than ready, watching's less your line than
fight,

And, should they take you by surprise, old Nep can't help your
plight!

In vain your ships might scour the seas should some dull blunderer
doze,

And let rogues snatch your street-door key under his snoring nose.
You've had some lubbers in your crew. How would a Nelson feel
With foes who'd slip from shore to shore beneath his very keel ?

Though all, in piping times of peace, are welcome to your land,
Ptemembcr that Achilles' heel could lame Achilles' hand.
Seeing old Nep has served you well by setting you apart,
The safety Nature gave you do not you give up to Art.

Why should you ? What are doubtful gains, in cash or comfort,
weighed

With ne'er so faint a chance of foes loithin your walls conveyed ?
Are shores inviolate a boon to risk with calm content,
For boo-hoo of sea-sick tourists or bait of cent, per cent. ?

Nay, let the Silver Streak still roll unbridged, unburrowed still,
Still girdle with its shifting sheen stout heart and strenuous will,
Though cosmopolitans declaim and engineers devise.
It means security from shock, and safety from surprise.

Self-centred, billow-circled, let Britannia still abide,

Though insular not isolate ; swept by no sudden tide

Of foeman or of fever-fit from any foreign shore,

When the Red Spectre raves abroad or war's slipped ban-dogs roar!

On Opposite Sides.

Mr. Punch, the general Arbiter Elegantiarum, being asked his
opinion of the present Ladies' dress, with his usual taste and readi-
ness replied, " I highly approve the present fashion, comprehending
as it does the highest graces of two of the most distinguished types
of female beauty—modelled in front on the Yenus de' Medici, behind,
on the Venus de Hottentot! "

Westminster Aquarium Theatre {Programme). — Overture :
Tancredi. Fish Out of Water. Seeking Plaice. Whitebait at
Greenwich.