Punch: Punch (70.1876)

February 26, 1876.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 71

TEACHING BY EXAMPLES.

(For the Use of Parents and Guardians.)

here is no fea-
ture of the rising
generation more
striking than
their disposi-
tion to intelli-
gent doubt,
sometimes mis-
called scepti-
cism, and their
unwillingness
to accept the
ipse-dixits of
authority. Mr.
Punch, haying
been lately in-
vited to put a
friend's child
through a his-
torical exami-
nation, was so

struck with the result, that,'he] has recorded both questions and
answers as subjoined, •

General History.
Q. What do you know about Romulus ?

A. He was a purely mythical personage, whose actions were so
excessively stupid that I have not burdened my memory with them.
q. What was the character of Nero ?

A. Humane, gentle, and refined. The assertions as to his cruelty
and madness are calumnies invented by his friends.
Q. Who was Homer ?

A. A Grecian Mrs. Harris. The Iliad and the Odyssey were
street songs of the period—an ancient parallel to "Lord Batcman,n
or " Tommy make Room for your Uncle,'''1 or-

Q. Let us try elsewhere. Who was William Tell ?

A. He never existed—save as the hero of a German play or an
Italian opera.

Q. We will come to our own country. What is your view of
King. Arthur ?

A. King Arthur is a solar myth, like Hercules, Thor, Vishnu,
and generally all the so-called gods, demigods, and founders of
religions.

q. Did not King Alfred suffer the cakes to burn in the
neatherd's hut ?

A. Oh dear, no! The story was invented for the benefit of Royal
Academicians hard up for a subject.

Q. What did the spider suggest to Robert Bruce ?
A. Squashing it.

Q. Tell me what you know about Henry the Eighth.

A. He was amiable, kind, and forbearing to a most aggravating
set of wives, and a strict respecter of legality.

Q. Why is the epithet "glorious" usually applied to "Queen
Bess"?

A. It is.hard'to say. _ Queen Elizabeth was a mean, tricky, and
avaricious character, principally remarkable for doing her Ministers
out of their money, and cheating her sailors of their beef and beer.
I need hardly add, that her private character won't bear looking into.
Q. Comment on the genius of Shaespeare.

A. He hadn't any. That he was uncommonly clever I do not
deny, because he is the one theatrical person on record who realised
a fortune by management. If he had lived now, it is probable that
he would, have gone the greatest lengths in the way nf sensation
drama, burlesque, and opera-bouffe.

Q. This is startling. Who on earth then do you suppose did
write what we are accustomed to call Shaespeare ?

A. Certainly not Shaespeare, as we know that he couldn't write
his own name twice alike. For my own part, I lean to the Baconian
theory, but refuse to commit myself.

Q. Good heavens! How old are you ?

A. If you believe the testimony of my parents—which the
experience of life thus far has taught me is rash—I am four years
six months and three days old.

Q. What are you ?

A. I cannot say that I have yet made up my mind, but, as at
present informed, I incline to the belief that my generation was
spontaneous, that my bodily substance, in its simplest expression, is
protoplasm in the form of germ-cells; that my actions are auto-
matic, my _ motives cerebro-spinal, and my ancestors anthropoid
apes in their later generations, ascidians or bacteria in their earlier.

[Exit Examiner, hastily.

PUNCH TO THE BLACK-COATS

(Established and Dissenting).

Hear a lay voice, 0 recalcitrant Clerics,

To whom Punch most respectfully proffers his tip.
JSTow have we not had quantum stiff, of hysterics,

Of cat-and-dog conflict, and quarrelsome quip ?
Church or Conventicle, list to his caveat,

Bow all ye sensible heads, whether under
-Mitre or billycock, curly or wavy hat!

Call in your lightning, and tie up your thunder !

Punch must announce that all sensible people

Are wofully weary of all this to-do ;
Wondering why the traditional steeple,

Which points so suggestively up to the blue,
Stands as a sign of perpetual shindy, a

Pepper-pot token of battle as hot
As water of Hecla or pickle of India.

Jfnst you keep boiling the clerical pot ?

"Peace and goodwill ? "—well, it sounds very pretty

From eloquent oracles lovely in lawn ;
But passionate squabbles and bickerings petty

Scarcely portend its desirable dawn.
Ridiculous rows round the title of " Reverend " !

Strife about what may be carved o'er a grave!
Say will such puerile potterings never end ?

Must the red standard eternally wave ?

Small pseudo-popelings who peevishly hanker

For mass and monopoly, cash and kotou—
Priggish P.P.'s whose un-reverend rancour

•Revels in rudeness a cad might eschew—■
Clerical Dracos so down upon little ones—

Watchdogs who snarl at the gates of the grave—
Ware! or your holds on the mass will be brittle ones,

Useless to shackle as helpless to save.

Genial Gentlemen—Churchmen, Dissenters—

Is there no clerical Coventry known
AYhither to banish these public tormentors ?

Zealots and sectaries, can't you change tone ?
If but for sake of a little variety,

With sweet milk of Charity temper your zeal;
Mingle the spirit of peace with your piety,

Harry no longer, endeavour to heal!

Popular speech on this rumpus parsonic,

Which raises a dust wheresoever we walk,
Is apt to be far less polite than laconic ;

Much it might pain you to list to such talk._
Lend Punch your ears, then, 0 Clerics ubiquitous,

Lest it be found there are those who shall say,
" Whenever we'd banish the harsh or iniquitous,

The peace-blazoned ' drag ' of the Priest stops the way! "

De Dickey-Birds nil nisi Bonum.

'We have heared a deal of the cruelty of killing and plucking
Dickey-birds—dear little things! Bosh! They ain't dear little
things; leastways, not out of the trade. They are nasty quarrel-
some little varmint. Watts says they " in their little nests agree.'
What's Watts? He may have knowed a thing or two about lions
and bears, but it's quite certain he didn't know much about
Dickies. If he 'ad, this would have been about what he would
have wrote—

" Birds in their little nests agree
Till big enough to fight;
And then the biggest gets atop,
And sarve the little 'uns right! "

Yours truly,

A Feather Dresser.

Address to the Convocation of York.—York, you're not
wanted.

/