Punch: Punch (70.1876)

176

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 6, 1876.

DISABILITIES OF WOMAN.

{Scheduled by a Fast Young Lady, in anxious preparation for the Act

for their Removal.)

1. Excepting on
the sly, she is in-
humanly debarred
from using a cigar-
case.

2. She is not al-
lowed to make love,
but merely to re-
ceive the manufac-
tured article.

3. She may not
wear top-hoots, not
even when out
hunting.

4. Unless she can
hear a lecture from
her feminine next
of kin, she must
never dream of
reading Bell's Life
or The Sportsman.

5. She cannot
even play a humble
game of Lady's
Cricket, without
being chaffed un-
mercifully.

6. Excepting at

the risk of being thought unfeminine, she must never row a Match,
nor ever'ride a Steeplechase.

7. When she bets with any member of the unfair Sex, she rarely
has the privilege of paying if she loses.

8. "She is unable to go unattended to the Opera.

9. She cannot even dance more than three times in succession
with a partner whom she likes, without being suspected of a tendency
to flirting.

10. Excepting at great peril to her social reputation, she may not
indulge in either Black Pool or Blind Hookey.

11. No matter how put out—say, by her maid or by her milliner—
she is not permitted the use of stronger language than " Dear me ! "
or " How tiresome ! "

12. While doomed in perpetuity to play on the piano, she is not
allowed an instant to practise on the post-horn.

13. Unless she can submit to being thought a " Blue," she must
be ignorant of politics, Latin, Greek, and the Hegelian Philosophy.

14. She may not chaff the waiter at a foreign table-d'hole, although
she knows his language perfectly, and longs to use the chance of
showing that she knows it.

15. By a masculine assumption, she is deemed unable to play
rackets, golf, or football, and is doomed to feeble games like battle-
dore and shuttlecock, or croquet with mild curates.

16. Though over head and ears in love, she may never make an
offer, except perhaps in Leap Year, and for this it would be hard
for her to quote an actual precedent.

17. She is expected to be able to make use of a Needle, and is
thus disabled from competing with Men in works of idleness.

18. Her ears are steeped in Slang when her Brothers come from
College, yet she is obliged, as far as possible, to keep her lips from
using it.

19. Although conscious of a guilty love for the perfume, she may
not proclaim her preference for a Smoking Carriage.

20. If there be a Baby in the house where she is visiting, she is
presumed to be unable to talk sensibly about it.

21. When her Married Sisters call, she is always pounced upon to
entertain their Children.

22. However humorous her temperament may naturally be, she
cannot crack a joke or sing a comic song, without being thought
eccentric.

23. She must not practise Boxing, excepting as regards the ears of
her small brothers.

24. She is not allowed the privilege of a Latch-key.

A Diocese in British. Diggings.

At a meeting under the presidency of the Earl of Devon, at
NewtonAbbot the other day, in aid of the fund for forming-a new
diocese in Cornwall, it was stated that more than half the required
fund of £30,000 had been raised. Let us hope the Cornish miners
are able—and willing—to raise the rest of the tin.

A SEA-EIGHT OF THE FUTURE.
Letter I.

From the Admiral of the British Fleet to the Admiral of the

Enemy's Fleet.

Sir, High Seas, June 1, 187—.

I have the honour to inform you that I sighted the fleet
under your command last evening. As in these days of civilisation
unnecessary bloodshed is to be deprecated, I take the earliest oppor-
tunity of letting you know that I have reason to believe, from in-
formation received through the newspapers, that my fleet is stronger
than yours. _ I have under my command three Iron-clads, each with
four feet of iron-plating protecting the water-line, and each carry-
ing four 200-ton guns, firing fore, aft, and all round, mounted in
turrets, protected by six feet of iron-plating, and with all the loading,
aiming and working performed by hydraulic machinery, so that loss
of life at the guns is hardly possible on my side.

May I, under these circumstances, request you to surrender with-
out unnecessary delay ?

I have the honour to be, Sir,

Your obedient Servant,
(Signed) Nelson Ironside, Admiral.

{Reply.)

The Admiral of the Enemy's Fleet presents his compliments to
the Admiral of the British Fleet, and begs to say that the Admiral
of the British Fleet has been misinformed. The Fleet under the
Enemy's Admiral's command consists of two Iron-clads each with
six feet of iron-plating protecting the water-line, each mounting
six guns of 300 tons, firing perpendicularly, upwards and down-
wards, as well as fore, aft, and all round, in three turrets pro-
tected by eight feet of steel-plating, and with all the operations of
loading, priming, and firing effected by a galvanic battery worked
by a single engineer stationed ten feet below the water-line, so that
there is as good as no life to lose at the guns on his side.

As the Admiral of the Enemy's Fleet entirely reciprocates the
humanitarian ideas expressed by the Admiral of the British Fleet,
he trusts that the Admiral of the British Fleet will surrender with-
out any unnecessary delay.

Letter II.

From the Admiral of the British Fleet to the Admiral of the

Enemy's Fleet.

Sir, High Seas, June 2, 187—.

I have the honour to acknowledge your reply to my letter
of yesterday's date.

I regret to say that I am unable to comply with your request.
The rules of the Service to which I have the honour to belong do
not permit of any surrender of Her Britannic Majesty's ships. I
am forced to inform you that unless you surrender before to-morrow
morning, it will be my painful duty to do my utmost to blow you,
your ships, and the gallant men under your command, from off the
face of the waters.

Trusting that, by your speedy surrender, you will avert this
unpleasant necessity,

I have the honour to be. Sir,

Your most obedient Servant,
(Signed) . ISelson Ironside, Admiral.

{Reply.)

The Admiral of the Enemy's Fleet presents his compliments to
the Admiral of the British Fleet, and begs to say that he is now in
a position to surrender, his flag-ship having, during the last six
hours, unluckily run into and sunk her consort.

The Admiral of the Enemy's Fleet begs to intimate that had the
force at his command been anything like equal to the force of the
British Admiral, he (the Admiral of the Enemy's Fleet) would have
considered it to be his duty to fight the battle out to the bitter end.

Letter III.

From the Admiral of the British Fleet to the Admiral of the

Enemy's Fleet.

Sir, LLigh Seas, June 3, 187—.

I have the honour to acknowledge your reply to my letter
of yesterday's date.

1 feel in honour bound to inform you that, during the night, two
of the Iron-clads under my command have sunk each other in the
course of manoeuvres, directed with a view to perfect their ramming
practice. Under these circumstances, it has occurred to me that
perhaps you would prefer fighting to surrender. In ten minutes
tny flag-ship (the remaining vessel under my command) will.havethe
sionour of opening tire.

I have the honour to be. Sir,

Your most obedient servant,

(Signed) Nelson Ironside, Admiral.