Punch: Punch (70.1876)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 245

June 17, 1876.]

HOW TO TREAT P1CTURE-STEALERS.

{Hint to the Police.)

shades, well spread out, as proud as peacocks. It is odd, yet a sign
of strong University Conservatism, that, though gas has been intro-
duced everywhere, these two ancient Moderators should be still
retained on the establishment. The celebrated Professor Lig ht -
eoot (Doctor of Dancing, as his name implies), was received with
acclamations. The Professor of Astronomy wore his stars, a new
cocked hat, and walked along looking at nothing particular through
a brand-new telescope. The Downing Professor of Medicine was got
up as Dr. Dulcamara, and attended by the conventional Jack-
pudding, with the usual big pill-box, drum, and old jokes, which
fell flat. The Botany Professor was distinguished by a sunflower in
his button-hole, over the Arabic by his Bedouin costume. Alto-
gether it was a grand, I may say, an exceptionally grand spectacle.

Then we came. When I say " we," I mean that I, of course, was
apparently a mere subsidiary—a mere super, while, as was right
and proper, all the attention was centred upon Le Jeune Com-
positeur, who, as pale as milk, but with a calm step and one un-
faltering eye (the other being on the other side, I cannot give you
any account of it, and I will not invent), marched onward, occa-
sionally turning to press my hand, to ask me how he was looking,
and to beg me not to forget to prompt him in the Latin reply which
he would have to make to the Public Orator, and which, though
he'd been up all night learning it—(we were up together, and I was
hearing him. We awoke in our chairs about four a.m., " oUhi rohi
ollt r'axxi," as the great scholar Porson said, and as I feel / should
have said, had I only had the great scholar Porson's opportunity,
—tout est Id), he was obliged to repeat over and over again, as he
walked along, with, I admit, a proud step and an erect bearing,
towering above all heads, the observed of all observers.

I attended him as the Minstrel's best man. White waistcoat with
Camelia in my button-hole, primrose gloves, but I refused to black
my face, positively. Behind us and winding up the procession—
but we couldn't see behind us, and I scorn to invent.

With a flourish of trumpets we entered the Senate House by the
Sheldonian Gate, where we were received by_ all the great Dons of
Brasenose, whose privilege it is on these occasions to wear the brazen
insignia of their college ; the effect is striking, and is at first like a
family of golden-nose'd Punches. The galleries were full; all seats
taken; a first-rate house. No paper; all genuine; there were a
few foreign orders ; and I gave a few orders myself, but it was

to the boys, in front, to get away from the railings. The military
bands played (outside) through the proceedings, so that, to put it
theatrically, we " spoke through music."

The Public Orator advanced. " By Jingo! " he exclaimed.

" Quid est f " I asked in a whisper.

" Perdidi orationem meam /" he exclaimed.

" Quid faciesne f " says I. I haven't spoken Latin since I was
in Hungary, campaigning, and I own that I wasn't quite sure of my
" ne " and my " num." But when I was campaigning, and out all
night, my knee was numb—as I said to the Regius Professor, who
told it to the Hulsean Professor, and they went off, behind the Yice
Chancellor, in suppressed shouts. My! or as we say here, " Meum '"
it was a scene.

" Da mihi verbum," says he to me.

" Volo," I replied.

" I say," whispered my dear friend the future Musical Doctor, " for
goodness sake don't give him my speech"

" Compte sur moi! " I returned, and creeping up inside the Public
Orator's enormous gown, I begged him to keep his arms down: then
I put out mine under his, and did the old trick. He spoke, I did the
action, occasionally giving him the word when he stuck. The effect
was admirable, and the encore was enormous and enthusiastic.
It was as much as I could do not to step from underneath the gown,
and bow my acknowledgments. However, I didn't wish dare
gaffam ad ventos. This is in brief the idea of the speech :—

" Dominus Vice-Cancellarius, Magister, Domince et Domini,
Magistrce et llagistri"-

Here he paused, and I prompted him. He was getting dreadfully
nervous. " Salvetc ! " said I, in a whisper. " Salvini! " says he,
out loud. Which got a round of applause, and he was a little
abashed. Again I prompted him. " Permettez-moi—I mean," for
I had made a mistake, you see. " Omne rectum! I caput!" I
whispered : and recklessly he plunged into it.

'\D7abeo magnam delectationem introducere ad vestrain considera-
tionem maximum et cleverissimum Hominem Componentem quern
prcesens cevum vidit. Non solum composuit, ille, hie maximus et
cleverissimus Vtr Componens, melodias musicales tales tet' Revidens^
' Obvia mihi unum tempus iterum.' ' Vita quce vivit ad teJ1 ' A
rupe ad rupem.' ' O pulchra Columba! O amans Columba ."
Sed prcrcipue, et super omnia et opera sua, est magnum opus
per quod, hie vir illustrissismus et valde doctissimus descendet
ad posteritatem admirantem, ego volo dicere et nominate Mud
opus inelodiosissimum et jocosiosissimum," (" Quod composuit," I
put in, " cum alio clcverissimo viro qui scripsit librettonem ")

Coxus et lioxus " (immense cheering and waving of handkerchiefs)
" ex quo nunc ego unam parvam rem cantabo."

Cries of " No, No! " ''Don't!" " You've no voice! " ''Cutit!"
&c, &c. In a whisper I prevailed on him not to waste his sweet-
ness on the galleries, but to give it us afterwards in the Common
Room.

Then amid deafening cheers our Composer knelt down before the
Yice Chancellor, and at his hands received the emblems of the
Doctor's Degree, an ancient Medicine Bottle (one of those big glass
things with coloured fluid inside, and a hieroglyph outside—our an-
cestors, medisevally, always took medicine in these quantities,_ and
" that's how they never got beyond the Middle Ages "—as I said to
the Medical Professor and Clinical Lecturer, who went into shrieks
and had to be led out by the Proctors), a plaster (adhesive on one side,
with the University Charter and the terms of his degree on the outer
side, away from the skin—this is only worn in full dress), and a
tuning-fork to be used at banquets. It is this last which distin-
guishes this degree, i.e., the Musical, from the ordinary Medical, or
Doctor's Degree.

Our Composer sang his reply, which was admirable. Words by—
well, I won't mention names, but he's not fifty miles away from
Your E,epresentative at this present minute. Music by the II
Dottore Maestro himself. I will just give you the chorus—emphasis
strong on the am in viam, the vi very short, and eliding the vowels
when required:—

" Hanc viam militares habenrus,
Viam navitantes habemus,
Viam in Varsitate et habemus,
Sic dicirnus nos omnes !
Sic dicimus nos omnes !
Sic dicimus nos omMes .'

Hinc vi-am militares, &c."

Sir, the whole Senatus'' Consulti rose as one man. The hymnus
was taken up frantically, and a lot of Undergraduates were taken
up frantically afterwards,—subsequent proceedings in the Town
Hall, at which his AYorship the Mayor, &c, assisted.

I brought our new Mus. Doc. back again safely, muffin cap, gown
and all (which had to be returned by next train), and there only
remains my little account to settle, and this little account to be
given to a generous Public, by one who is ever most faithfully

Your Representative.