Punch (74.1878)

June 22, 1878 ]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVAEI.

287

NEW IDEA FOR A FANCY BALL.

Shave your Head, and go as a Phrenological Bust.

HIGHLY RELIABLE.

(Apropos of the Mission of my Lords Bea-
conseield and Salisbury.)

Mr. Gladstone says—that they will be
forced to open the proceedings of the Con-
gress by laying the whole of a recent article
in the Nineteenth Century (cut) upon the
table, and reading portions of it, in turns,
until a " frank and healthy attitude" is
assumed all round.

The Rest of the Cabinet—that they will
receive hourly telephonic instructions from
Downing Street, not speak till they are spoken
to, and always say, in reply to every leading
question, very modestly, "Please, Sir, we
must communicate with our Colleagues."

A Having Jingo—tbat they will arrive at
Berlin with a large military escort, keep an
Iron-clad on the Spree, attend the Congress
with cocked hats, a brass band, and revolvers,
and, singing a verse of " We don't want to
fight,1' draw caricatures of the Emperor of
Russia on" the blotting-paper, and wave a
couple of Union-jacks continually over the
President's head.

" One who knows Bismarck well"— that
they will talk it over quietly with his Ex-
cellency, take Egypt and any other Asiatic
pickings they can get. let the Roumanians
learn the double shuffle, or anything else
they like, and thank their own stars that
they have met Borne one at the eleventh
hour willing to coach them up in diplomacy.

The General Public—that it's all going
to come right—somehow.

And Mr. Punch—Very encouragingly,
but emphatically, that he has got his eye
upon them.

Congress and Cookery.

It has been remarked that a gentleman
named Currie has gone to the Berlin Con-
gress with Lord Salisbury. Currie being a
Scottish name, its connection with the Con-
gress cannot of course escape the remark of
Scotchmen. Tbey naturally say that whilst
at work with a Currie it may be hoped that
their Lordships won't make a hash of it.

in the Licensing Magistrates' mind when they refused the licence
fur the Grosvenor Gallery, which, after all, is the artistic Whistling
Shop of Bond Street. I wish that Sam's remark applied to the
pictures as well as the spirits, and that when visitors to the Gallery
were expected "the vord" could be given to the Vistler, and that
they might vistle for the pictures when they went to look. Where-
ever I am informed that Mr. Whistler's works of Art are on view,
" Whistle, and I won't come to you, my lad."

There is evidently a Whistler and. Burne-Jones School. I advise
all the pupils to run away from that school; there are better
Masters in another Academy round the corner.

Let me go ! Past the keepers, down-stairs ! Free at last. If I
do not go now, I shall never be able to return.

He who writes and runs away,
May live to write another day.

Which I hope to do, and interview some of the sane ones shut up,
by accident, in St. Luke's, Bond Street.

*** On Saturday the 15th the licence was granted to Sir Coutts.
The Gallery is now retailing the productions of a Licensed Whistler.

WAft IN THE FUTURE.

A Letter from the Commanding Officer of the British Army to the
Secretary of State for War. A.D. . . {?)

Llead Quarters of the Army,
Tioo Thousand Miles from the Seat of War.

Si a,

I havf, the honour to report to you that I have just defeated
the enemy. The message received this instant through the tele-
phone is as follows : " The plan of the Chemist-General is perfectly
8 icceasful. On finding that the lower strata of air over their posi-
tions had been reduced to its uubreathable elements, the enemy

attempted to seoure a better atmosphere in the upper cloud region.
On taking to their War-balloons, they were immediately followed
by our Cavalry, mounted on the new regulation Electric Elevator.
Ascertaining from their Mathematician-General that they were
outnumbered 105 per cent., they surrendered at discretion. We
have seized their scientific library and some ammunition."

I enclose the various orders given on the field of battle. When
placed in the phonograph the metals will reproduce the exact words.
I may add that the first attempt to capture the enemy's position
failed through their use of the microphone. Every precaution was
taken to avoid noise. The Infantry and Cavalry floated over the
ground in the new formation ordered by Field Exercises, Part VI.
Unhappily a Bugler sneezed when the army was within a hundred
miles of the enemy's position, and the sound, intensified by the
microphone, immediately gave the alarm.

As the war is now virtually at an end, I beg to enclose a memo-
randum of the expenses : —

£ s. d.

Salaries (Scientific Officers) . . . 20,473 0 0
(Combatant Officers) . 72 18 i\

Food.......186 12 2

Ammunition...... 40,012 0 0

Chemicals ....
Pay of British A.rmy (20,000)
Pay of 200 Sepoys .

120,000 0 0
10,000 0 0
200,000 0 0

£390,741 10 64

Considering that this campaign has extended to nearly five days,
it must be allowed that the cost is trifling.
I have the honour to be, Sir, your most obedient servant,
[Signed] Newton Dryasdust,

F.R.S., F.L.S., F.C.S., F.G.S., &c, &c,
Major- General.