Punch (77.1879)

August 30, 1879.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

85

MARY ANNER TRANSMOGRIFIED.

11 Lord Lytton has issued a minute on the subject of the education provided for the
children of poor Europeans and Eurasians in India, from which some hints, which might
be useful nearer home, might advantageously be borrowed. . . . Lord Lytton writes
that ' the daughters of Europeans and Eurasians of the humblest classes are frequently
taught so-called accomplishments which are worse than useless to them.' . . . Identically
the°same state of things goes on in England. . . . One consequence is that it is almost
impossible to procure domestic servants. Our housemaids are all lady-helps nowadays;
brazen-faced hussies, who cannot cook a chop or darn a stocking, scrub a floor or keep a
door-step in order, can talk theatrical criticism, and are wise in the study of fashion-
plates. . . . What we lack is the raw material of strong men and women, not a company
for the revival of High Life Below Stairs:'—Standard.

eae Susan Jane,

When yon've pe-
roosed the rubbish above
written,
Aperypo of some remarks
on Ingya by Lord Lyt-
ton,

I make no doubt your lips
will curl with horty
scorn, as mine did.
It's just amazing how
folks'minds by prejudice
is blinded!

You know, of course, that
| lately J've gone in for

education,
Which lost me !—such is
jealousy ! — my latest
situation.
Ko doubt 'twas gall for
Missis Brown, a reglar
stuck-up Tartar,
To find her daughter beat
by me in fingering a
Sonatar.

And _wy not, Sue ? Is
genius a thing of rank
or station ?
(Though a retired dry-
salter's wife ain't no
great elevation)

Perish the"thought a thousand times'! No! Education's benison
Can't be confined to "Norman blood"—for which see Mr. Tennyson.

It's all the Nobs]s narsty spite as makes 'em so insult yer.
But, Sue, I've riz above sech ways since I went in for culture.
Do parties think our souls is dust, our hands but fit for dusting ?
That door-steps is our destiny ? It's really too disgusting !

Hussies, indeed ! The eppythet is infry digmytaters.
Such Billingsgate is only used by coarse and vulgar naters.
A housemaid—how I hates the name !—who's proud and self-respective,
Would scorn for to demean 'erself to such low-born invective.

Sweetness and light may bless the lot of the most 'umblest Christian,
While a purse-proud drysalter's wife may be a mere Philistian.
/often soars to brighter speres whilst scrubbing floors or stitching—
Oh why should snobs in parlours sniff at culture in the kitching ?

What Ingya's got to do with it is what I fails to hit on.
We 're not black niggers I should 'ope, not yet, my dear Lord Lytton.
No, no; we are ground down enough with work, low wage, and worry,
But not so low as your poor brutes as lives on rice and curry.

The cry is, " No accomplishments for Servants ! " Highty-tighty!
And why not, I should like to ask, good Mr. High-and-Mighty ?
If a 'ousemaid's got a horgan—which my upper C's a buster !—
Why call her " hussy " 'cos she shows a soul above her duster ?

And as for the Theayter, Sue, why, next to Art and Fashion,
I certny must admit the Play is my pertikler passion.
High Life Below Stairs ? Not a bit ? I'm no such vulgar shammer.
'Igh Hart and the Hintense is what / looks for in the Drammer.

They talks about our " spere of life," them orty hupper suckles.
Ah, Sue ! becos we're smutty-nosed, or red about the knuckles.
That ain't no reason why our souls should be sech ones to grovel,
As not to thrill at Coopo's woes or Weedee's last new novel.

They wants to keep us down, dear Sue. Sech princerples is foodie.
These ain't the Middling Ages, though, and no uplifted noodle
Shall keep me from attending Plays, or laming the peyanner,

Or marrying-but that's tellings, dear. Yours trooly,

Maey Annee.

CAYEAT CAYAGNAM.

"This ad vice was significant, and its acceptance may probably
be taken to indicate the completion of a change in the attitude
of the Ameer towards the Government of India. Yakoob
Khan has despatched a courteous reply to General Kaupmann,
in which he has suggested that for the future any communica-
tions, complimentary or otherwise, from Eussia or Eussian agents,
should be sent through the Indian Viceroy."—Times.

It being quite impossible to exaggerate the importance
of this diplomatic triumph, as bearing directly on the
stability and security of our Indian Empire, it is with
the greatest satisfaction that Mr. Punch publishes the
first instalment of an intercepted correspondence evi-
dently not intended for the eye of the British Viceroy.

From the General commanding the Forces of His Imperial
Majesty the Czar of all the Russias to His Serene
and Exalted Highness the Ameer of Afghanistan.

On the Amu Darya,
Dog Days, 1879 {Old Style).

May it please Youe Serene Highness,

I have received your last esteemed communica-
tion, inquiring' after the health "of my August Master, the
Great White Czar, inclosing cheque for commissions, and
asking me whether I can give you a good recipe for a
cheap and wholesome batter pudding, and I have much
pleasure in replying to your Serene Highness as under.

I am happy to inform you that my August Master is as
well as can be expected in this unusually damp weather,
and, spite of a nasty little influenza, which he hopes to
shake off as soon as he can get away from the Winter
Palace, is, as we say on the Upper Oxus, tolerably "fit."

With regard to the Commissions, I have endeavoured,
I trust successfully, to meet your Serene Highnesses'
taste, and I shall be glad to hear that the fifty dozen of
damaged strawberry-jam, the three-and-sixpenny magic
lantern, box of conjuring tricks, bathing machine, and
pink ulster have given your Serene Highness every
satisfaction.

And now permit me, on behalf of the great Potentate
I have the honour to represent, to offer you, as a testi-
mony of the friendship which it is his earnest endeavour
to prove to you, one dozen of the best boot-blacking,
a highly-trained hyaena, a set of paper collars, and—
last, not least — a handsome second-hand mechanical
piano, on which he has had arranged, with august con-
descension, an entirely new and original composition of
his own. This little effort he trusts your Serene Highness
will accept and adopt as the future National Anthem of
your country. It is simple, majestic, solemn, and, when
once heard, not easily forgotten, and is entitled "My
Grandfather's Clock.11

Appended is the recipe for the batter-pudding (a
Russian one), which I trust your Serene Higness will
find serviceable.

Taking this opportunity of enclosing your Serene
Highness a summons and a couple of suspicious-looking
envelopes that have been waiting" to be forwarded"
to you at this Station for some time,

I am, with every expression of profound esteem,
Your Serene Highness's respectful Servant,
The Geneeal in Command.

The enclosures, consisting of a County Court summons
for the price of a pair of imitation epaulettes, an adver-
tising circular of a new hair-dye, a threatening letter
from a firm of solicitors at Smolensk, and the offer of a
lucrative engagement from the proprietor of a Music
Hall on the Lower Danube—though all of them highly
significant documents from a Central Asian point of view,
Mr. Punch does not think it incumbent on him to pub-
lish in extenso. It is enough for him to have shown
how well-grounded has been the "Russian terror" of
those gentlemen who have all along clamoured for a
" scientific frontier "—and something more. Mr. Punch
trusts he has done this.

army clothing.

Captain Carey has been honourably absolved a;
an unfounded sentence. Uniform for Members of a
blundering Court-Martial—Muf(f)ti.

Relative Punishment.— Quod.

vol, lxxvti.