Punch (86.1884)

210 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [May 3, 1884.

!N SLUMMIBUS.

Small Eastendian. “Ello ! ’ere 's a Masher ! Look at ’is Collar an’ ’At !”

GOOD MANNERS; OR, THE ART OE BEING
AGREEABLE.

[Being Maxims and Extracts from Lord Jesterfield’s Letters.)

No. IT.

How to Promote Conversation and Relieve Monotony.—Example
No. 2.—I 'will suppose that you find yourself one of a party where
the prevailing tone is serious, where a taste for theatricals is con-
sidered a sign of reprobation, where the talk is of sermons, of
religious meetings, and where solemnity and sadness go down arm-
in-arm to dinner. On such an occasion, it is for you, always
judiciously, to introduce the element of light-heartedness and fun.
Now is the time for your merry jest, uttered in a loud tone, and
repeated,—for in such company it will bear repeating,—in a louder,
with such appropriate action towards your neighbours, as digging
them in the ribs, and slapping them on the back, until you brighten
up their wits, and make them happier and pleasanter all round. For
instance, a Lady commences with “ Oh, Mr. So-and-So, how beauti-
fully the dear Dean brought in that allusion in his sermon. I was
so glad to see how many young men there were present. There
were a great number of Clergymen, too, in the Stalls.”

Here is your chance. “ Yes,” you can break in, with animation,
|41 like to see the Clergy in the Stalls; it shows they take an interest
in the Stage. There’s a good joke told about the Archdeacon of Bltjm-
eord at the Gaiety on the first night of a new Burlesque. Perhaps
you’ve heard it; but, if not, it’s worth repeating, as it was really
witty, and it sent Nellie Farren and Terry into such fits they
couldn’t go on with their parts for some minutes, and I believe John
Hollingshead,—the Manager, you know,—had to come down and
ask the Archdeacon to leave. Well, this was it—the Arch-
deacon ”-and here follows the story, a good strong one, of which

you will have a supply by you.

Exceptions to the above Rule. No. 1.—When you find yourself in
company with one or more Invalids, you will not make a boast of
your health, as this only encourages them to bewail their own sad
symptoms,.their illnesses, and the disorders which prevent them
from enjoying life as you profess to do. There is no chance of con-
versation in this. It becomes simply a chorus of invalids, a threnody

which is, as Shakspeare has said of it, “ Yery like a wail.” Your
method, here, is this : Find out of what ailments each of your com-
panions most complains; what illness or disorder each one prides
himself upon possessing; and, having ascertained these important
details, you must at once declare that you have had each particular
disorder in a far worse manner than any one of them ever had.
If somebody complains of having been, or of being afflicted with it
(whatever it is) in his arms and legs, you have had it in your head
and toes, which they must allow is far more serious, or you can have
had it all over you, which settles the question at once. If someone
has suffered from something once or twice, you will take care to have
had it four or five times; and, if that won’t do, you must assert that
you are never without it, and are perpetually liable to its return.

Should one of the invalid company declare that there is only one
way of dealing with it, tell him that he is quite wrong, that there
are at least ten ways, and that he has evidently been the victim of
an inexperienced doctor. If he cites the name of someone at the
head of the Medical Profession celebrated for his treatment of this
particular disorder, tell him that this practitioner is old-fashioned,
is “ faddy,” has too much to do, is only a “ Specialist,” and that his
theories and practice have been entirely upset by the man who, you
will take care to add, is now at the top of the tree, Dr. Herfen-
grafeer, of Berlin, or any other name you choose to select. If a
man says he can’t go to Berlin to be cured, you can only shrug
your shoulders, express pity, and re-assert that Dr. Herfengkaffer
is the only man to go to. After this the liveliest conversation will
ensue, and men who came to the party moping, dull, full of aches
and pains, and scarcely able to move hand or foot, will soon.be
gesticulating fiercely, and arguing warmly in favour of their separate
theories, doctors, and treatments ; and, if you only keep them at it,
you will have done more to restore these invalids to the use of their
limbs (they will kick each other, offer to fight, and throw bottles)
and to the enjoyment of life, than any number of doctors, or any
amount of medicine and mineral waters.

Exception No. 2.—This is when you are among professional men,
or fervent politicians. Example. You find yoursmf at a party of
Painters. Do not deprecate their Art, unless they are all of different
schools and opinions, in which case you will return to the rule, and ,
speak only of music, extolling this Art above all others. But if they j