Punch (98.1890)

January 18, 1890.] PUNCH, OK THE LONDON

Fanatic lovers of the hound

Scorn hygienic laws,
And though their dogs should snap all round

You must not hind their jaws.

Restraint appeared hoth sore and sad

To every Kentish eye,
And, whilst they swore the Man was mad,

They swore the Dogs would die.

Nay, more, there came this fearsome threat

From true-hlue Tory throats:
" With muzzles if our dogs you fret,

You shall not have our votes ! "

0 patriots true! Rads grin with glee!

The puzzle Chaplin fogs;
'Tis plain that Party loyalty

Is going to the dogs!

Kent's choice 'twixt Party Eeems, and pup,

The question stirs the town,
"Whether the Tories will give up,

Or Chaplin will climh down !

SLAPS POE SLIPPEES.

Snt,—I am at a loss to understand what is the meaning
of all this futile discussion as to the respective merits
of the various kinds of road pavement. There cannot
he a moment's douht, as to which is, far and away. 1™
cheapest, the safest, and—in a word—the—best. With-
out any hesitation, I maintain that it is the Asphalte.
And I do not speak without experience. Dor many
years I have pioked mine up from the box-seat oi a
hearse, which I think my most virulent opponents will
admit, from the ticklish character of its cattle, accus-
tomed as they are to a stiff, formal and lugubrious
method of progression, affords a test that must be
regarded as supreme by all candid and unprejudiced
inquirers into the matter under dispute.

In the loeltest weather I have never had so much as a
slip on the asphalte, whereas the moment I have got on
to the wood, when it has been comparatively dry, 1 have
frequently had the horses down as many as seven or eight
times in half a mile, and on one occasion, that I can recall,
the stumbling was so frequent, that the Chief Mourner
stopped the procession, and sent me an irritable message
to the effect that, if I could not manage to keep my
horses more securely on their feet, I had better then and
there " hand over the corpse, and let it finish its journey
to the Cemetery on the top of the first mourning-coach."
Fortunately, we came shortly to a bit of asphalte, on
which I was able to bowl
merrily along, and make up
for lost time; and, as at
length we reached the Ceme-
tery only an hour and three-
quarters after the appointed
time, the Chief Mourner,
whatever may have been his
disposition to make com-
plaints, had the good taste
. '". " " to keep them to himself.
Bull, the incident was annoying, and I attribute its
occurrence Bimply and solely to that pest of all sure
and stately-footed hacks—the Wood Pavement.

Beyond holding three thousand Preference Shares in
the European and Inter-oceanic Asphalte Paving Com-
pany, and having signed a contract to supply them for
seventeen years with the best Pine Pitch on favourable
terms, I have not the slightest interest to subserve in
writing this letter, which I think any quite impartial
critic will allow, curtly, but honestly, expresses the
unprejudiced opinion of An Unbiassed Judgment.

Sib,—I am a private gentleman, who keeps a carriage,
or rather, a four-horse coach, in which I am continually
driving about all over London at full speed. We dash
at such a rate over those portions of the Metropolis that
are blessed with a wood pavement that my coachman is
frequently summoned for furious driving, but we have
never yet had a horse down. No sooner, however, do we
get to the asphalte than all this is changed. Leaders
and wheelers alike are instantly on their hacks, and I
have now made it a rule, the moment we come to a street
paved with this dangerous and detestable compjsition, to

STUDIES IN REPARTEE.

Heavyside [Author of "Epaminondas" and other unread Epics). By the bye,

how much do you weigh, BlNKS ? "

Little Binks. '' Fourteen Stone 1" n
Heavyside. " Deab me 1 You don't look very Big, to weigh all that !
Little Binks. "'Epaminondas' doesn't look very Big—but it's peeoious
Heavy!" _.

put my horses inside the coach, and, with the assistance of a policeman or
two, drag the vehicle to the other end myself. Only yesterday, I think it
was, on the north side of Leicester Square, I counted as many as nineteen ugly
falls in as many minutes, necessitating, m nearly every caset the despatch of
the creature on the spot by a shot from a revolver. The fact is, the laying of
asphalte anywhere should be made criminal in a Vestry. I write impartially
on this subject, as, beyond being a sleeping partner in a large firm of Wooden
Road-Paving Contractors, I have no sort of interest to serve, one way or the
other. But it must be obvious, from the account I have given of my own
personal experience above, that in addressing you on the subject, I am actuated
by no motives that are not consistent with and fitting to the signature of

An Unprejudiced Observer.

Sir,—I am in no way interested in the present pavement controversy, hut
I would direct public attention to the real source of all the mischief, and that
is the ineffective shoeing of the unhappy horses, who are compelled to struggle
with the difficulties created for them by a parcel of Paving Authorities. What
we want is a general order issued by the Board of Trade obliging all horse-
owners to provide those they possess with a couple of pairs of The Patent
India-rubber frog and flannel-soled Horse-Shoes, warranted to support the
most stumbling beast on any pavement whatever. I said I was in no way
interested in the present controversy, and as I am merely the Inventor of the
shoe above referred to, it must he obvious, that in making this communication
to you, I am only fulfilling the commonest duties of An Ordinary Spectator.

Sir,—Will not you, or someone, step in and deal with the matter compre-
hensively, without paying regard to vested interests ? Surely, if the right people
would only put their heads together, they must hit on some method of bettering
the present wretched condition of those much ill-used but patient and long-
suffering creatures, among whom the first to subscribe himself is

The Ordinary London Omktbus Horse.

Another' Title fob the Guide to the Exhibition at the New
Gallery.—" New Edition of the Tudor's Assistant."

To be Created a Knight Hospitaller.—Mr. Peteb ReiD; _