Punch (98.1890)

304

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIVARI.

[Junk 28, 1890.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTBACTED FEOM THE DIAET OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, June 16.—'.' This is something like
old times," said Tim Healy, briskly rubbing his hands. .Poor
Joseph Gillis ! pity he didn't live to see this night.

Yery like old times, indeed. Seventy questions on the paper,
increased fourfold by others put arising out of the answer. Practice
is for Irish Members to put question; Prince Abthub reads answer

from manuscript supplied from Irish
Office; then uprise in succession
half-a-dozen other Irish Members,
each asking fresh question. Prince
Abthur with one leg crossed over
other and hand to chin sits looking
and listening; presently when there
is lull, lounges up to table and
makes answer. Fergusson looks on
in wonder. "What would become
of me," he said, "supposing after
I had read out my cut-and-dried
answer, half-a-dozen fellows sprang
on my hack, and with fists in my
face demanded reply to quite new
question. I'm afraid I'd be lost."

That exceedingly probable. Fer-
gusson's floundering when momen-
tarily adrift from sheet-anchor of
his written reply decidedly painful.
Prince Abthub saunters up to very
mouth of guns of battery opened on
him from Irish camp; looks straight
down them; fires his shot; and
saunters back; often a nasty shot,
too ; plumps in middle of camp and
sets them all a roaring. This takes
At Bay- place every night. To-night lasted

an hour. Once threatened repetition of scenes of decade after '74.
Would have so happened but for tact and presence of mind of
Speaker ; cool and collected amid the clash of arms and roar of
constant cannonading. John Dillon standing with folded arms
and flashing eyes, " Like Napoleon when he couldn't cross the
Alps," said Nicholas Wood, looking on from a safe distance.

The Speaker also on his feet with stern cry of " Order! Order!
Long John O'Connok sitting on Bench below, darting straight up
and down, with swift regular movement, for all the world like the
piston of a steam-engine. Ministerialists bellowing in continuous
roar at John Dillon, still on his feet; uprises John O'Connor with
intent to offer observation; roar redoubled; reaches demoniac pro-
portions; John O'Connor plops down again; noise partially subsides;
suddenly the piston discovered bolt upright; another roar; down it
goes; all the while the Speaker crying aloud for "Order!" and
John Dillon standing with fiercer frown and arms more tightly
folded.

" What was it Napoleon said when he couldn't cross the Alps ? "
Nicholas whispered, tremulously. "' If the Alps won't come to
Mahomet, Mahomet must go to the Alps.' No, I don't think it was
quite that; but was something to that effect: and I'm sure some-
thing will happen if Dillon doesn't sit down."

Just when matters reaching crisis, Dillon gave way ; the piston
on the bench below simultaneously ceased its action; _ and the
Speaker, in quiet, grave tones, that had immediately soothing effect,
suggested that, if any more information was required, it should be
sought in the UBual way, by Questions placed on the Paper. John-
ston o' Ballykilbeg, who had overheard G-ill incidentally allude to
Prince Arthur as prone to untruth, wanted the Speaker to take
notice of irregularity. But Speaker judiciously deaf. As for John
O'Connok, glad of a little rest.

"All I wanted, Toby," he explained, " was to hurl the word
' Crime' in Balfour's teeth."

"Exactly," I said; "nothing more natural or desirable. But
you should tone down the tendency towards the steam-engine-piston
action, for which, I do not deny, you possess some natural advan-
tages."

Business done.—In Committee on Compensation Bill.

Tuesday. — "What's this I hear about Heligoland?" says
Nicholas Wood. Hardly knew him ; so changed. A dull, heavy
look faded over his usually mobile countenance; his svelte figure
puffed out, and bent. " Only fortnight ago, Sage oe Queen
Anne's Gate proposed to give up Heligoland; barter it for a case of
German Sausages, says he. Fergusson very properly angry; me
and other good Tories protested against this new Separatist policy.
Couldn't find Heligoland on the map."

" Ha!" I say, " but Germany has found it, and taken it, and the
Mabkiss is willin'."

" Very odd," says Nicholas ; " can't make it out; like a thing
out of a play; never go to a play, you know, but understand this
sort of thing is somehow done: first you see it, then you don't;
Heligoland British territory; to be sacrificed only with last drop of
blood; Radical Separatists rapped on knuckles for suggesting handing
over; then we wake up, and find it's been handed over, and by
the Mabkiss! Tell you what it is, Toby, think I shall cut this
business ; not brought up to politics ; find them a little weakening."
Old Mobality announced programme for remainder of Session.

In bulk something exceeding ordinary
programme when brought in in February.
Now it is the so-called June; every
prospect of sitting till October; House
groans and growls; terrible charges
flying round; Wintebbotham darkly
accuses Cabinet Minister of keeping a
public-house. Hicks-Beach admits soft
impeachment, but pleads it's "only a
little one, brings me in only £20 a-year
rent." " Miserable 1" says Newnes,
who owns Tit Bits.

General feeling of sympathy with
Beach. Wxntebbotham apologises; if
he'd known it was only £20 wouldn't
have said anything. Old Mobality, in
his kind way, presses Beach's hand; has
troubles of his own to bear; but a man
who owns a public-house and draws only
£20 a-year from it, takes precedence in
sympathy.

Over stern conflict and cantankerous
sitting, Plunket sheds beam of genial
humour. Tim Healy asks if there could
not be lift arranged to Ladies' Gallery.
" Too expensive," says Plunket. " Too
dear, he means," murmurs Howobth,
who runs Dick Temple close in his
devotion to the Ladies. " Why," objects
Geobge Campbell, whose eye nothing
escapes, " there is already a lift for coal.
The Ladies' Man. why not substitute Ladies for coal ? "
" You see," said Plunket, smilingly, " we cannot do either
without coal or without Ladies, and it is difficult to combine them in
a lift."

Geobge Campbell not sure. When he has time to withdraw his
thoughts from Central Asia, will look into the matter.

Business done.—In Committee on Compensation Bill. Ministerial
majority reduced to 29.

Thursday.—"I really can't do it," said Maclube. "Oh, you
must," said Chaplin'; " hard work,
I know, but put on a spurt and
there you are."

" Wish I was there," said Mac-
lube, mopping his forehead._ " All
very well for slim young thing like
you; but seventeen stun isn't the
form for a short spin, especially
with these confounded steps." Scene
—passage by Cloak-room into House
of Commons; time 5'19 p.m. ; bell
ringing furiously; Division immi-
nent; Penrose Fitzgebald with
jacket shorter than ever, trousers
turned up with a grace that maddens
with envy. Bobby Spenceb and
Lewisham, on watch at top of
staircase.

" Come along! " he shouts ; "di-
viding on First Clause of Compen-
sation Bill; Sage of Queen Anne's
Gate sprung a mine on us; got all
their men here ; ours down at Ascot;
wouldn't be you for a quarter's
salary, Chaplin. Hurry up! hurry
up! Put your best leg forward,
Maclube !"

"That's all very well," said
Maclube, testily; "but which is
my best leg ?"

The two heavy-weights pounded ~ „ .

gallantly along; been to Ascot; On Output Duty,

thought they'd be back in plenty of time for Division; and here's
Division-bell at its last shake. Habtington come up with them;
striding ahead; wins easily; Chaplin reaches door of House just as
it is closing; with tremendous effort, Maclube pulls himself
together; throws himself on doorway ; nothing could stand rush like