Punch: Punch (100.1891)

160

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[April 4, 1891.

THE WAY OF WESTMINSTER.

(A Story of the Parliamentary Bar.)

"You will not forget, Sir," said my excellent and admirable clerk,
"that to-morrow you have to appear before a Committee of the
House of Commons, in the matter of the Glogsweller Railway
Extension ? "

I glanced somewhat severely at Portington, but was gratified to
find that his face was quite free from any
suggestion of levity. I was the more pleased
with the result of my investigation, as, truth
to tell, the delivery of a brief in the matter
of the Extension of the Glogsweller Railway
Company had been somewhat of an event in
my life. I had never before had the honour
of practising at the Parliamentary Bar. So for
months my mind had been entirely occupied
with the date fixed for my appearance in the
Committee Room of tbe House of Commons,
known technically, I believe, at St. Stephens,
as " upstairs."

"You will be sure to meet me there, to-
morrow, Portington?" I observed.

^v,- " Certainly, Sir," replied my clerk. " But,

* as I have to be down at the Mayor's Court

with Mr. Charles _0'Mulligan in the morning, I daresay you won't
mind if I come with fyour sandwiches and sherry, Sir, at two, or
thereabouts."

I acquiesced, somewhat unwillingly. 0'Mulligan shares with me
the good offices of Portington", but generally contrives to secure the
lion's portion of his services. I had arranged—understanding that no
adjournment was made for luncheon—that some refreshment should
be conveyed to me during the day's proceedings, so that my voice
should lose none of its wonted resonance (owing to famine-produced
weakness) when the time arrived for my advocacy of the cause of my
clients. Those clients had, so to speak, but a collateral interest in the
day's proceedings. The great North-East Diddlesex Railway were
promoting a Bill to carry a new line into the neighbourhood of tbe
Glogsweller Extension, and my duty was confined to cross-examin-
ing one of the expert witnesses that I knew would be asked to
support the G. 1ST. E. D. R. To be candid, we had a goods depot
near their suggested terminus, and were fearful tbat their proposed
proximity would damage our mineral traffic. The matter was simple
enough, but I had taken months in carefully studying a small
library of charts, Encyclopedias, and Parliamentary Blue Books, in
mastering it.

On the morning following my conversation with Portington,
duly robed (I had put on my wig and gown in Chambers), I travelled
by hansom to Westminster, and presented myself at the side
entrance to St. Stephen's Hall. I had no difficulty in finding the
Committee Room devoted to the consideration of the alleged
necessities of the Great North-East Diddlesex Railway. It was a
large and pleasant apartment, with a distant view through the
windows of St. Thomas's Hospital. At a horse-shoe table sat the
Committee, some four or five gentlemen, who might have filled
equally appropriately any one of the pews reserved in the Royal
Courts for the accommodation of a Special Jury. I took my place
amongst a number of my learned brethren, who were perfect
strangers to me. The table in front of us was littered with plans,
charts, and documents of all descriptions. A Q.C. brought with
him a large bag of buns, and two cups of custard, and there were
other refreshments mingled with 4the exhibits before us. On chairs
at the side were Solicitors; at our back, separated from us by a
bar, were the Public. On the walls were hanging huge charts,
giving in pantomimic proportions the proposed progress of the pro-
jected line. In the corners of these charts were explanations why
such a part was coloured green, or red, or blue. During the day's
proceedings an .attendant was told off to trace the course of a
counsel's harangue by pointing out, with a lecturer's wand, the
various places referred to in his speech.

I was gratified to find that the expert whose evidence it was my
duty to test by cross-examination, was soon in the witness-box.
He was a gentleman of considerable bulk, which gave one of my
learned friends, who was the first to take him in hand, the oppor-
tunity of saying, that he was a "witness of great weight," a remark
which caused much laughter—even the Chairman of the Committee,
a somewhat austere person, indulging in a stealthy smile at the
ingenious sally. Such waggish flashes as this, I need scarcely say.
were most welcome, and afforded, when they came, a pleasant relief
to the necessary dryness that characterised, perforce, the proceedings.
As the hands of the clock progressed, waiters carried into the Com-
mittee various light refreshments, such as brandy-and-sodawater,
sandwiches, and buns. My colleagues, too, when not actively
engaged in the declamatory duties of their profession, partook of
the viands with which they had provided themselves before the com-

mencement of the day's labours. Thus the cups devoted to custard
soon were empty, and the paper bags, once occupied by buns,
crumpled up and discarded. I gazed at the clock. It wa3 past
two, and I was getting terribly hungry. I felt that my voice was
becoming weak from famine. This would never do, and might
endanger my clients' interests. I looked round eagerly for Porting-
ton. He was nowhere to be seen. I whispered to a colleague,
"would the examination-in-chief last much longer?" and was told
it could not possibly be concluded within a quarter of an hour. I
made up my mind to hasten to a refreshment-bar I had seen in the
corridor before I had entered the room, and hurriedly left my seat.
I pushed my way through the public, and had scarcely got outside
when I found my faithful clerk laden with sandwiches and sherry
making post-haste towards me.

" Get back, Sir, as quick as you can," he cried, as he thrust the
invigorating ingredients of my midday meal into my hands ; " run,
Sir, run; I hope they haven't noticed your absence ! "

Rather offended at the peremptory tone adopted by my subordinate
I returned to my seat, and was pleased to find that the examination-
in-ehief was nearly ended. I pulled myself together. I drank a
glass of sherry and finished a sandwich. My voice was in excellent
tone, and I felt that the crisis of my life had indeed been reached.
I knew that it was now or never. I had this great chance of dis-
tinguishing myself by pleasing my clients and securing a practice
at the Parliamentary Bar, which might mean hundreds, nay, thou-
sands a-year. I imagined my children at Eton, my wife in a
carriage and pair, my address in Grosvenor Place. All I had to do
to secure these tardily-attained luxuries was to protect my clients
by my careful attention to their interests. The moment at length
arrived. I rose to cross-examine.

"And now, Sir," I said; feeling that I was master of the situa-
tion, and that my voice had a magnificent resonance, which was
striking terror into the heart of the witness before me, Jam going
to put a few questions to you I "

"I beg pardon," said the Chairman, promptly—"you will do

nothing of the sort. You were not present during the whole of the

witness's examination-in-chief, and so we decline to hear you ! "
****♦♦

I could have wept I The momentary search for sandwiches and
sherry had ruined me ! Eton and Grosvenor Place vanished together
(in the carriage and pair) for ever !

Pump-Handle Court. (Signed) A. Briefless, Junior.

OLLENDORFF IN LONDON;

OR, THE COCKNEY'S FAMILIAR PHRASE-BOOK.
No. I.—At the Estate Agent's.
Have you some nice houses to let furnished ?—Here is our Cata-
logue, Sir.-1 perceive that most of these are Queen Anne houses;

'' sanitation perfect;'' where is the satisfactory explanation of the fine

advertisement ?—It is in Spain with the other castles (idiom).-

What is "Queen Anne"?—Yietoria comes first, Elizabeth second,

but Queen Anne is (the) last.-Is then sanitation also something?—

It is the little game of the big builder; it is all your (my, his, her,)

eyes.-Can we have some nice furniture ?—You can have (the

furniture of) Chippendale, Sheraton, M'Adam, or Louis-Quinze.-It

is too dear.—No, Sir ; my brother bought it yesterday of the clever

carpenter.-1 was fione by .you or by your brother; I require a

room for my mother-in-law (neuter). — The good mother-in-law
sleeps in the chamber of boxes (box-room), but the evil mother-in-
law prefers the best bed-room.-How many persons are you ?—We

are sixteen.—You are, indeed, suited, Sir ; it is an eight-roomed

house.-Is not! the noble drawing-room smaller than we have a

mind to?—On the contrary, it is very lofty. There is room near

the chandelier.-Where is the "moderate-sized garden"?—It is on

the leads with the broken flower-pots, the capital smuts, and the

industrious cats (masculine or feminine).-Is it then much larger

than a postage-stamp ?—Decidedly not, Sir. It is also nearly as
sticky. Much rain produces weeds.-Where are " the bath-
rooms"? I only perceived a watering-pot.—Any rooms in which

you put baths, are bath-rooms.-What is then the price ?—The

exorbitant client of the first-class agent demands four hundred

guineas for the season.-It is too much.—He would take less in

some minutes; but my commission will rest the same.--Here are

"Commanding mansions," "Bijou maisonettes," and "Desirable
residences."—It is not difficult; the mansion that has a back-staircase
is commanding, the " Bijou " is for the newly-married, or the actress,

but the "Desirable residence" is what you desire.-What is then

the "square hall" ?—It is neither round nor oblong; therefore it is

square. It is likewise in a square.-Is it geometrically the same

as the Bridge of Asses ? — I do not know, Sir.-Where is the

capital accommodation for the poor servants ?—It resembles the dark

kennel of the sad dog.-What are dilapidations and electric light ?

—The first, Sir, is what you break; the second is what breaks you.
-If I were to let my own house, and then to myself take it,