Punch: Punch (100.1891)

304 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [J™ 27, 1891.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, June 15.—Richard Chamberlain
back to-night, after long absence. Been up the Kile, calling on
Ptolemy and Pharaoh, and visiting scenes connected with the early
life of Brother Joseph. Much enjoyed the trip; entered House
to-night full of life and energy ; suddenly pulled up ; hair rose;
flesh crept; blood chilled. Was it true ? Could
it be possible ? Yes; no doubt about it. There
was Prince Arthur still lounging on Treasury
Bench with Madden in reserve. About a score
of Members present, including Windbag Sexton,
looking on with his irritating smile of supreme
superiority, whilst Sage of Queen Anne's Gate
moved rejection of Irish Land Purchase Bill.

"Why!" exclaimed Brother Dice, his hair
still visibly rising, " when I was here last, weeks
and months ago, they were discussing Irish Land
Bill; Prince Arthur sprawled on Treasury Bench;
Labbt was denouncing the Bill as pernicious ; and
Ssxton, having just sat down and just going to
follow, looked on with sort of pitying toleration
of other people who assumed to know anything of
the Bill. Do 1 dream, or are there visions about ?
Think I'll go and pinch Jesse Codlings, and see
if I'm awake."

Yes ; wide awake ; no mistake about the situa-
tion ; still harping on the Irish Land Bill; but,
thank a merciful Providence, this is the last night.
John Morlet, who never shrinks from call of
duty, rises, and makes one of those formal, offijial,
somewhat tiresome protests, recapitulating ob-
jections which everyone only too familiar with
through this gruesome spring and saddened sum-
mer. Then Sage of Queen Anne's Gate cracks
a few jokes ; Morton appears on scene; attempt
made to Count Out; talk kept going through
dinner hour. At eleven o'clock Prince Arthur
rises ; benches fill up ; then, when everyone ready Brother Dick,
for Division, strangers in Gallery startled by mighty roar of execra-
tion ; looking round with startled gaze in search of explanation,
discover at corner-seat below Gangway a dapper figure uplifted on
supernaturally high-heeled boots, with trousers tightly drawn to
display proportions of limbs that would have made Sim Tappertit
green with envy ; a black frock coat, buff waistcoat, coloured tie,
a high collar, a wizened countenance, just now wrinkled with
spasmodic contortion, kindly meant for an ingratiating smile.

This is Seymour Keay. House may roar at him as the dog that
crosses the Epsom Course when the bell rings for the Derby is howled
at. He has, in return for the contumely, only a smile, a depreoatory
wave of the hand and a speech. House keeps up the roar; Keay
waves his ringed hand, nods pleasantly at the Speaeer, and at any-
thing approaching a lull, shouts half a sentence at top of his voice.
For full ten minutes contest continued. Then Speaeer rises ; Keay
sits down, glad of interval of rest, and hopeful that Speaeer is about
to rebuke his interrupters.

" The question is," said the Speaeer, "that this Bill be now read
a Third Time."_ Before Keay realised situation, House is cleared for
Division, and his final speech on Land Purchase Bill remains unspoken.

Business done— Irish Land Bill read a Third Time by 225 votes
against 96.

Tuesday.—Gorst gave House to-night thorough surprise. The
Squire of Malwood brought on Manipur business ; moved Resolution
asking for more papers. Incidentally indicted the Government at
home and in India. Gorst put up to reply. An average Minister
would have made an ordinary speech ; Gorst's reply accepted by
common consent as the most extraordinary ever heard from the
Treasury Bench since Dizzr left it. Instead of evading respon-
sibilities, colouring facts, doing what Ministers usually do when in a
fix, Gorst simply, boldly, cynically, told the truth. The Senapatti
of Manipur was an ambitious, capable, popular man who might breed
mischief for the rule of the Empress of India. So the Senapatti
must be got rid of at earliest possible moment, and in most absolutely
complete fashion. Arbitrary this; tyrannical perhaps; unjust
possibly. None of Gorst's business to defend or extenuate it. All
he could say was it is not a new thing ; done wherever British flag
waves under foreign skies ; in New Zealand with the Maori King ; in
South Africa with Cetewayo ; in Egypt with Arabi ; in the Soudan
with Zkbehr. ' In India," said Gorst, leaning his elbow lightly on
the table, "they have always hated and discouraged independent
and original talent; always loved and promoted mediocrity."

As he finished this pregnant and delightful aphorism, Gorst
looked up at the Peers' Gallery, where sat his Chief, Grand Cross,
successor of Clive in the Government of India. His glance travelled

downward, till it rested on the Treasury Bench, and fell gently on
the figure of Old Morality.

Hjw Dizzr would have delighted in this speech, with this last
exquisite touch ! The Squire of Malwood, in his secret breast, not
less appreciative ; but dehate must be kept up, and he joined in the
hue and cry with which Mediocrity resented this fresh and original
way of treating things. Even Campbell-Bannebman shook his
head. "It is brilliant," he said, " but it is not discretion."

Business done.—A good deal.

Thursday.—Government met with awkward defeat on Factories
Bill. Not quite certain to whom they chiefly owe it, whether to
Gorst or Matthews. Question arose on Sydney Buxton's Amend-
ment, raising the age of child-labourers to a minimum of eleven
years. Debate lasted all night; a pleasant contrast to the unreality
of Irish Debate; Banches crowded; audience interested; speeches
practical; Gorst in attendance, though doubtful whether he would
speak. Usually sits in modest retirement under shadow of Speaeer's
Chair. To-night marked slight difference of opinion from his
colleagues by taking up corner-seat on Treasury Bench by Gangway,
quite out of reach of hand-shake from Home Secretary.

Mundella, lunging to be at Matthews, waiting on Front
Opposition Bench; Matthews, earnestly desiring collision with
Mundella, lingered the long night through on Treasury Bench. At
last dragged into arena by John Morley. Painfully conscious of
Gorst on his right hand. Why couldn't he go away ? Why sit
there smiling when Matthews floundered, and why turn over the
pages of the Blue Book with such subtle air of contradiction when
Matthews quoted from proceedings of Berlin Conference ?

As midnight drew on, ex-
citement increased. Uncer-
tain how Division would go.
Rumours of possible defeat
of the Government; Aeers-
Douglas moving about smil-
ing ; therefore all must be
well. House surging with
excitement; movement to and
fro; a buzz of conversation
rising above the voice of
Member addressing the Chair.
Only one placid figure under
the glass roof. Seated in side
Gallery facing Treasury Bench
was J. S. Balfour ; (no rela-
tion of Prince Authur's, own
ente.ndu) Question put; Di-
vision bell rang; the bustle
of eight hundred departing
feet disturbed J. S. B., and,
stepping carefully down from
the inconveniently highBench,
he walked out to take part in
the Division.

" All very well, dear Toby,"
he said, "talking about eleven
being the age for half-timers. No Relation of Prince Arthur a.
Eleven seems to me about the figure at which we should knock off
here. When it gets on to twelve in this hot weather, I almost feel
as if I could go to sleep." Business done.—Sydney Buxton's
Amendment to Factories Bill carried by 202 Yotes against 186.

Friday.—Question to-night, how would Government take their
defeat of yesterday ? Soon settled ; at earliest moment Matthew's
appeared at table, announced that Government "fully and cordi-
ally " accepted decision of House. It was true that they had resisted,
with fullest strength, Sydney Buxton's proposal. He himself, in
powerful speech, had demonstrated that, if Amendment were added
to the Bill, the heavens would fall, and the British Empire would
stagger to its doom. But that only his play; Gorst really obliged
to the House for beating them, and Clause would be added to Bill.
Done accordingly. Report stage of Factories' Bill run through, and
Third Reading taken.

Odd thing befell the universe last week. Happening to mention
in this Diary Wooton Isaacson, Member for Tower Hamlets, the
dissolute Artist drew fancy portrait of Lewis Isaacs, Member for
Newington ; labelled it from JDod, "A Progressive Conservative."
Oddly enough, both Isaacs and Isaacson write themselves down in
Dod " A Progressive Conservative." So our Artist (occasionally
quite clear-headed), got mixed up with the family ; descended, so to
tpeak, from Isaac to Isaac's son. Not quite sure to which apology is
due. Just as well to mention it, so that, when the New Zealander
reads his Punch a century or two hence, he may have a clear con-
ception of the actuality. Business done.—Quite a lot.

More Russian Tyranny.—Punch is not admitted into Russia
unless bound.