DOI issue:
January 5, 1856
DOI Page / Citation link: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16617#0011
January 5, 1856.]
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
3
The bystanders' aid John and Louis pray'd ;
But in vain; nor, a man would budge.
" Y^u let him rob us; our complaints you cali'd ' fuss
When we shouted 'Stop thief!' you said 'fudge '
Till an Oil aud Italian Warehouseman,
Who knew the brute's tasre for Sardines,
'Gainst the thievish whelp voiunteer'd his help,
To the limit of his small means.
They join'd with a rush ; in that first brush,
There were doubts which would come off worser.
John made more than one blunder, but, on stagg'ring asunder,
'Twas bellows to mend with Ursa.
John was getting his wind, 'ere again he pinn'd
The Bear, with purpose sure.
When the German band, which stood close at hand,
Proposed an overture!
"That be Double d ! " says John, says he,—
" Your brass and wind, 1 know them !
Help us, or help Bear,—which, I don't much care ;
But as for your overtures, blow them !
Be off, vile pack, or"—the band drew back,
for the weight of his fist they knew:
And when our report left the scene of sport,
They sere squaring for round number two.
a chasce fob, a great young man
Tor any Great, Unknown, desirous of becoming known as the Author
of a work of fiction equivalent to another Waver ley, a splendid opening
is afforded by a liberal anonymous publisher, who has inserted the pro-
position following among the advertisements in the Athenaeum.
AUTHORS.—A PUBLISHER OF STANDING wants a GOOD
ii- novel. He will pay one hundred pounds for the one he selects.
A good novel is a good thing, but the publisher who obtains one for
£100 wiil_ make t hat good thing a somewhat better thing. "Happy
man be his doie," as the subjects of Queen Elizabeth used to say, if
be gets a Tom Jones or a Vanity Fair for a hundred pounds. What an
unlucky thing it is for this enterprising publisher that he did not pro-
mulgate this alluring offer of his a few months ago, before, perhaps,
arrangements were concluded for the publication of Little Dorrit.
This publisher belongs to thepast. What a big fish he might have
hooked in that Elizabethan time and the succeeding reign, Jacobi
Pbimi, by advertising something under a hundred pounds, according to
the tben value of money for a good Tragedy—landed Macbeth perhaps,
who knows?—or Hamlet? And had he happily lived to "wait a little
longer," there would have been a " good time coming," wherein, fishing
with the same golden hook, he migbt have caught a Paradise Lost;
nay, a lighter hook for that, matter would have served his turn, had he
thought to bob or angle, not to say sniggle, for a good Epic Poem.
However, as there are, peradventure, among us mute inglorious
Miltons still,—though this hundred-pound snap-hook is not rigged for
i hat sort of Jack, so there probably also are Richardsons and Pield-
ings equally silent and unknown to fame, but desirous of making a
noise and becoming famous, who for the advantage of a lift into pub-
licity, and the additional consideration of one hundred pounds, may be
glad enough to barter a production of genius, which, for the generous
and discerning publisher, may realise at least the square of that figure.
To the "publisher of standing " ready to stand a hundred pounds for
a good novel, we can only say in addition, that we wish he may get it.
THE CAMPAIGN IN BELGliAVlA.
EXTRACTS FROM A PEACE DICTIONARY.
Altf pea woo
Aristocracy. The only
true aristocracy are the
Cotton Lords of Lanca-
shire.
Abut. A Military Police
ttiat is always haunting
the Area of civilisation.
Austria. The experienced
Captain of the Jesuit's
Craft.
Bale For keeping the
Peace yon can have no
better Bail than the one
Manchester would wil-
lingly give—a Bale of
CottOD.
Balls Ugly customers to
meet.
Kills. See Halls.
In reference to the case of Westerton v 1>iddell the Morning
Herald makes an observation calculated dreadfully to dishearten the
__t, . .. - bills, see nans.
^ZAK OE JlTJSSIA ; to Wit ;— j Bloodshed. The red ink in
which warriors write their
despatches.
Cannon. A vulgar mouther
and tiery spouter that is
always stopping the way
" And before a final judgment is obtained, there is little doubt that a sum of at least
five thr/uaa?id pounds will have been expended in a contest about tables, crosses, and
altar-cloths."
When Alexander comes to find that, in the midst of the expenditure
entailed on England by the contest which she is compelled to maintain I of Progress,
against himself, a single metropolitan parish can afford to throw five ■ ^ch the Plag*^"rrut°h
thousand pounds away on an ecclesiastical squabble, he must be over-' is composed,
whelmed by 'he conviction that the resources of fcbis country are inex-1 cotton Tkeb. The Tree of
haustible. That whilst having to fight on a Titanic scale in the Crimea j c^0"^^. j anlb that
and the Baltic, we are able to stand a religious war in Belgravia, is a ! ^ English and French
fact which cannot but, prostrate him in uUer despair. It may at the I wolves wish to devour,
same time, however, somewhat heighten his estimate of our piety, to 1 because they declare be
discover that any of us care sufficiently about tables, crosses, and altar-
cloths as to think such matters worth any discussion at all, not to say
worth a controversy costing as much as five thousand pounds. He
may conceive hopes that what his forces may be unable to accomplish
-with their mere bayonets, thev may succeed in effecting by poking
St. Sergius, St. Alexander Newskj, and other idols at our men:
and it would be a fine thing if, under such an expectation, he were to
-substitute canonised dummies for more troublesome artillery. At the
same time, it is not impossible that the Czar no more believes in
St. Sergios than Julius CiESAR believed in Jupiter, and whilst
alarmed at seeing Englishmen still capable of expending money upon
ecclesLstical trumpery, may be disposed by that circumstance to reflect
that fools aud their money are soon parted.
Seasonable Advice.—When any poor fellow is out of employment the
best place he can go to is the Horse Guards; for there he is sure of a job.
is disturbing the stream
of events.
Drill. A good thing for
trowsers.
Enginbke. The worst of
breeches-makers.
Gladstone. One of the few
men who are holding the
Pale of Civilisation that
France and England are
trying all they can to
upset.
Glory. The Red Fire that
lights up the Theatre of
War.
Hero. a Fool who dies for
his country,when he could
stop at home perfectly safe.
Humiliation. What Eng-
land deserves being
brought to for going to
War.
Man of Peace. A mora.!
tourniquet that puts the
screw on to stop the effu-
sion of blood.
Manchester. The Cotton-
opolis of the Universe—
the Capital of the World.
Millenium. The period
when the whole world will
be covered with nothing
but Cotton Mills.
Navy. A floating specula-
tion, in which t ailors em-
bark their lives either to
sink or swim.
Neutral. The only true
neutral colour is Dtah.
Peace Party. In connec-
tion with the Quakers, it
is Mr. Cob-Den's Thou-
aud-Theeology,
Plant, Cotton is certainly
the best plant nrw-a-days
for making money.
Pope. The occupant of a
French caserne.
Prussia. The. cmly throne
of Sober Reason*
Quaker. A Friend who
doesn't fight but talk—one
who, in the art of milking
inflammatory speeches,
takes his hat off to no man.
Reputation. The bubble a
fool seeks in the cannon's
mouth.
Russia. The place that
England gets its hideing
from.
Sailor. Thn scum of the sea.
Soldier. The dirt of the
land.
Shot. What nations (hat
go to war cannot always
pay for.
Sinews ok War. Money—
without which an Army
cannot advance the value
of a penny, or the distance
of an inch.
Transport. What a s<,Idi. r
goes out in, but seldom
returns home with.
Wool. What our wits are
always gathering, when
we say anything against
the War; and what we
stuff our ears with, when
we hear anything said in
favour of it.
A LIVERPOOL "LADY'S MAN."
The beasts that recently made their debut at, Drury Lane Tneatre
have, it, seems, been taken to Liverpool, where the Lady of the Lions
does not appear to have been more attractive than in town. One of the
critics, in expounding his views upon the subject, really gives such
very cogent reasons for his disapprobation of the performance, that
we cannot leave them to mere local circulation. Here they are :—
" We do not approve of the gentle sex permitting a bear, or am- other beast, to eat
out of their mouth : the performance is disgusting, and ought to be eschewed. Man
only should encounter the disagreeable task of feeding with bears or lions ; and man
only should be privileged to approach the lips of woman."
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
3
The bystanders' aid John and Louis pray'd ;
But in vain; nor, a man would budge.
" Y^u let him rob us; our complaints you cali'd ' fuss
When we shouted 'Stop thief!' you said 'fudge '
Till an Oil aud Italian Warehouseman,
Who knew the brute's tasre for Sardines,
'Gainst the thievish whelp voiunteer'd his help,
To the limit of his small means.
They join'd with a rush ; in that first brush,
There were doubts which would come off worser.
John made more than one blunder, but, on stagg'ring asunder,
'Twas bellows to mend with Ursa.
John was getting his wind, 'ere again he pinn'd
The Bear, with purpose sure.
When the German band, which stood close at hand,
Proposed an overture!
"That be Double d ! " says John, says he,—
" Your brass and wind, 1 know them !
Help us, or help Bear,—which, I don't much care ;
But as for your overtures, blow them !
Be off, vile pack, or"—the band drew back,
for the weight of his fist they knew:
And when our report left the scene of sport,
They sere squaring for round number two.
a chasce fob, a great young man
Tor any Great, Unknown, desirous of becoming known as the Author
of a work of fiction equivalent to another Waver ley, a splendid opening
is afforded by a liberal anonymous publisher, who has inserted the pro-
position following among the advertisements in the Athenaeum.
AUTHORS.—A PUBLISHER OF STANDING wants a GOOD
ii- novel. He will pay one hundred pounds for the one he selects.
A good novel is a good thing, but the publisher who obtains one for
£100 wiil_ make t hat good thing a somewhat better thing. "Happy
man be his doie," as the subjects of Queen Elizabeth used to say, if
be gets a Tom Jones or a Vanity Fair for a hundred pounds. What an
unlucky thing it is for this enterprising publisher that he did not pro-
mulgate this alluring offer of his a few months ago, before, perhaps,
arrangements were concluded for the publication of Little Dorrit.
This publisher belongs to thepast. What a big fish he might have
hooked in that Elizabethan time and the succeeding reign, Jacobi
Pbimi, by advertising something under a hundred pounds, according to
the tben value of money for a good Tragedy—landed Macbeth perhaps,
who knows?—or Hamlet? And had he happily lived to "wait a little
longer," there would have been a " good time coming," wherein, fishing
with the same golden hook, he migbt have caught a Paradise Lost;
nay, a lighter hook for that, matter would have served his turn, had he
thought to bob or angle, not to say sniggle, for a good Epic Poem.
However, as there are, peradventure, among us mute inglorious
Miltons still,—though this hundred-pound snap-hook is not rigged for
i hat sort of Jack, so there probably also are Richardsons and Pield-
ings equally silent and unknown to fame, but desirous of making a
noise and becoming famous, who for the advantage of a lift into pub-
licity, and the additional consideration of one hundred pounds, may be
glad enough to barter a production of genius, which, for the generous
and discerning publisher, may realise at least the square of that figure.
To the "publisher of standing " ready to stand a hundred pounds for
a good novel, we can only say in addition, that we wish he may get it.
THE CAMPAIGN IN BELGliAVlA.
EXTRACTS FROM A PEACE DICTIONARY.
Altf pea woo
Aristocracy. The only
true aristocracy are the
Cotton Lords of Lanca-
shire.
Abut. A Military Police
ttiat is always haunting
the Area of civilisation.
Austria. The experienced
Captain of the Jesuit's
Craft.
Bale For keeping the
Peace yon can have no
better Bail than the one
Manchester would wil-
lingly give—a Bale of
CottOD.
Balls Ugly customers to
meet.
Kills. See Halls.
In reference to the case of Westerton v 1>iddell the Morning
Herald makes an observation calculated dreadfully to dishearten the
__t, . .. - bills, see nans.
^ZAK OE JlTJSSIA ; to Wit ;— j Bloodshed. The red ink in
which warriors write their
despatches.
Cannon. A vulgar mouther
and tiery spouter that is
always stopping the way
" And before a final judgment is obtained, there is little doubt that a sum of at least
five thr/uaa?id pounds will have been expended in a contest about tables, crosses, and
altar-cloths."
When Alexander comes to find that, in the midst of the expenditure
entailed on England by the contest which she is compelled to maintain I of Progress,
against himself, a single metropolitan parish can afford to throw five ■ ^ch the Plag*^"rrut°h
thousand pounds away on an ecclesiastical squabble, he must be over-' is composed,
whelmed by 'he conviction that the resources of fcbis country are inex-1 cotton Tkeb. The Tree of
haustible. That whilst having to fight on a Titanic scale in the Crimea j c^0"^^. j anlb that
and the Baltic, we are able to stand a religious war in Belgravia, is a ! ^ English and French
fact which cannot but, prostrate him in uUer despair. It may at the I wolves wish to devour,
same time, however, somewhat heighten his estimate of our piety, to 1 because they declare be
discover that any of us care sufficiently about tables, crosses, and altar-
cloths as to think such matters worth any discussion at all, not to say
worth a controversy costing as much as five thousand pounds. He
may conceive hopes that what his forces may be unable to accomplish
-with their mere bayonets, thev may succeed in effecting by poking
St. Sergius, St. Alexander Newskj, and other idols at our men:
and it would be a fine thing if, under such an expectation, he were to
-substitute canonised dummies for more troublesome artillery. At the
same time, it is not impossible that the Czar no more believes in
St. Sergios than Julius CiESAR believed in Jupiter, and whilst
alarmed at seeing Englishmen still capable of expending money upon
ecclesLstical trumpery, may be disposed by that circumstance to reflect
that fools aud their money are soon parted.
Seasonable Advice.—When any poor fellow is out of employment the
best place he can go to is the Horse Guards; for there he is sure of a job.
is disturbing the stream
of events.
Drill. A good thing for
trowsers.
Enginbke. The worst of
breeches-makers.
Gladstone. One of the few
men who are holding the
Pale of Civilisation that
France and England are
trying all they can to
upset.
Glory. The Red Fire that
lights up the Theatre of
War.
Hero. a Fool who dies for
his country,when he could
stop at home perfectly safe.
Humiliation. What Eng-
land deserves being
brought to for going to
War.
Man of Peace. A mora.!
tourniquet that puts the
screw on to stop the effu-
sion of blood.
Manchester. The Cotton-
opolis of the Universe—
the Capital of the World.
Millenium. The period
when the whole world will
be covered with nothing
but Cotton Mills.
Navy. A floating specula-
tion, in which t ailors em-
bark their lives either to
sink or swim.
Neutral. The only true
neutral colour is Dtah.
Peace Party. In connec-
tion with the Quakers, it
is Mr. Cob-Den's Thou-
aud-Theeology,
Plant, Cotton is certainly
the best plant nrw-a-days
for making money.
Pope. The occupant of a
French caserne.
Prussia. The. cmly throne
of Sober Reason*
Quaker. A Friend who
doesn't fight but talk—one
who, in the art of milking
inflammatory speeches,
takes his hat off to no man.
Reputation. The bubble a
fool seeks in the cannon's
mouth.
Russia. The place that
England gets its hideing
from.
Sailor. Thn scum of the sea.
Soldier. The dirt of the
land.
Shot. What nations (hat
go to war cannot always
pay for.
Sinews ok War. Money—
without which an Army
cannot advance the value
of a penny, or the distance
of an inch.
Transport. What a s<,Idi. r
goes out in, but seldom
returns home with.
Wool. What our wits are
always gathering, when
we say anything against
the War; and what we
stuff our ears with, when
we hear anything said in
favour of it.
A LIVERPOOL "LADY'S MAN."
The beasts that recently made their debut at, Drury Lane Tneatre
have, it, seems, been taken to Liverpool, where the Lady of the Lions
does not appear to have been more attractive than in town. One of the
critics, in expounding his views upon the subject, really gives such
very cogent reasons for his disapprobation of the performance, that
we cannot leave them to mere local circulation. Here they are :—
" We do not approve of the gentle sex permitting a bear, or am- other beast, to eat
out of their mouth : the performance is disgusting, and ought to be eschewed. Man
only should encounter the disagreeable task of feeding with bears or lions ; and man
only should be privileged to approach the lips of woman."